To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

"to", not "than".

100% this.

Or maybe by the woman girl herself.

If the man was seeking maturity in a woman, he'd go for someone his own age. It's precisely the lack of maturity that attracts men to much younger women, delusions to the contrary aside.

I don't think most men consider maturity to be a particularly attractive characteristic, and particularly not in comparison to the physical attraction of a 20 year old body compared to that of a 40 year old.

Yes, that's why any young woman who believes that her much older man considers her 'so mature for her age' is deluding herself.

If the 13 yo is female and the 16 yo is male, then they are probably at the same maturity level 🤔

Girls mature faster than boys, and they may act more “grown up” but you can guarantee a 16 year old boy would feel more ready for a sexual relationship than a 13 year old girl. Aside from the possibility of the older child pressuring the younger child in this way, no form of contraception is 100% effective, and it would be ridiculously irresponsible to risk getting pregnant at 13 years old. Lots of children think they’re ready, and that shows how immature they are.

My grandmother always said no more than 4 years between you, doesn't matter who is older. She got that from her mother who got it from her mother etc. My ex was 29 and I was 18 when we met. At the time it seemed exciting and I was flattered because I had been mercilessly bullied through school about my appearance. Looking back he obviously targeted me as someone he could manipulate. Plus it was a way to legally have sex with a teenager if you consider that angle. Not OK and my parents didn't like it but what do you know when you're that age and had an extremely sheltered upbringing?

I’ve raised teenage boys and teenage girls and I’m sorry I don’t agree with that at all.
All this nonsense about girls mature more than boys serves a particular narrative.
Just because it’s repeated consistently doesn’t make it true

Exactly, and aside from the three year difference in maturity being incredibly dubious and just someone's random opinion, what % of 16 year old boys will be happy to wait three years until their girlfriend is 16 and they are 19!

I agree - I have two of each and they're all different and tbh mature in different areas at different times. Social and emotional maturity isn't just one thing, there are plenty of aspects that don't always mature at the same rate.

Boys stay impulsive longer, and their executive planning skills seem to mature later, ime, but that isn't a reason to encourage them to date impulsive younger girls who are similarly poor at planning and time management!

In terms of self assurance, confidence and being comfortable with and having faith in themselves/ self esteem I don't think there's any indication either girls or boys achieve that earlier than the opposite sex as an average.

I also hugely question the boys mature later than girls tosh. Feels to me like it suits men a little too conveniently, they’re off the hook for being ‘immature’, they can be impulsive, immoral, lazy at home because the poor mites can’t help their underdeveloped brains. While 18 year old girls are just SO mature, they get those nubile youthful bodies but it’s totally acceptable for the old man to shag her as she acts like a proper grown up.

How often I’ve read stories of females regretting some of their earlier dalliances that I highly suspect they were manipulated into and felt compelled to do to demonstrate their grown up ness.

When I’ve read about the decision making part of the brain not being fully developed until 25, I’ve never heard it discussed in a different context between men and women. If there was, I highly suspect it would be environmental and that shouldn’t be something we’re encouraging.

From what I've read, there is some difference in maturity levels between boys and girls, but it amounts to maybe a few years at most, and levels off once they reach adulthood. Definitely doesn't mean that a 19 year old girl is at the same level of 'maturity' as a 40 year old man! I'd think very little of that man if it was. I'd think very little of him anyway.

But you have to ask yourself why have you read that?
Who wrote it? What was their motivation?
as I say, I have firsthand experience on a daily basis
And if the expectations are the same of a boy, then the maturity is the same.

When that is the case it often makes it worse, not better.

Immature 16 year old boys will still have raging hormones, so they're immature but have more strength, more independence and the sexual drive of an older teenager etc.

Yes exactly this. Girls may act more grown up, but they’re not grown up. Boys may have an immature sense of humour or some other superficial appearance of being immature, but they can be seeking a more adult relationship than a girl their own age, let alone a younger girl.

Sounds pretty random, my only problem with age gaps is that you have different frames of reference-TV, films, music,etc.

Completely off topic but I watched the film adaptation of Rebecca the other day and it infuriated me they removed the age gap, it is such a fundamental aspect of the novel. Her lack of maturity, the power imbalance, her desire to ‘be grown up’ for Maxim despite the fact he likely picked her due to her naivety in contrast the more assured, mature Rebecca. The one time a spotlight can shine on an age gap and they shied away from it.

You mean the NF one with Lily James? Yes I agree. Generally I hate gratuitous age gaps in TV and film (and it's always the man who is older!) but in this particular case having Maxim as a handsome man only slightly older than the heroine made no sense. As you say, her naivete and the power imbalance is an essential part of the story.

Agree, they often do it in Jane Eyre as well, which complete changes the dynamic.

Then you have films like The Wolf of Wall Street. Leonardo di Caprio is 15 years older than Margot Robbie, who played his wife. But in real life the characters were about the same age.