To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

So that’s one person, not “mumsnet”. I just find it odd you’ve started a thread about a formula that is not widely spouted, about a topic that is not directly impacting you in your life because of a handful of people on the internet who have a different opinion to you. I mean I know that’s MN, discussion forum etc etc, but people usually have some skin in the game in the thread they’ve started.

Yes just to discuss all these hypothetical much older people “of both sexes” that genuinely connected with a “consenting” adult less than half their age, who unfairly get tarred with the same brush as the actual creeps by people who don’t know them (I’m sure they’ll live).

So I put it this way … my mum was 25 when she married my dad who was 46 …they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary before dad died ….they had their ups and downs as everyone does sometimes more downs than ups but it worked out okay in the end … then we have my niece going through a very traumatic divorce involving police .. both are the same age were in the same class at school..,so it seems he was a controlling narcissist… so age does not matter…. it’s the character that counts more than age…

In all fairness, controlling narcissists are far more likely to go for vulnerable people they can control, so are more likely to be in age gap relationships, with them being the older one.

Exactly.

We can all think of huge age gap relationships with 'work' and same age relationships which don't. But generally speaking, I would bet that men (and yes it's pretty much always men) who seek out much younger partners have a higher chance of being a controlling type.

Statistically, these relationships also have a high failure rate.

Think also we are missing the point we are dealing will consenting ADULTS here …. I do not have the right to tell other consenting adult couples who they can love and marry ….Just as I would not take kindly to anyone thinking they have a right to tell me which other adult I can love and marry purely down to age ….

No one (barring the one poster calling for a law change lol) here is saying we have the right to stop it, but we have the right to an opinion on it. It’s something I have quite strong opinions on.

I don't care if you wouldn't take kindly to it, if you decided to love and marry an 18 year old I'd think you were disgusting and be very concerned about the very young adult you were involved with.

You have the right to do it, you have absolutely zero control about what people think about it.

I think if you have children you shouldn’t date around or below your child’s age. That’s creepy.

30 year old dating a 18 year old creepy.

40 and 60 year old cool beans.

I also think it’s weird when parents have children around the same ages as their grandchildren too.

Even if you don't have children, a generational age gap is creepy.

I agree. Old enough to be someone’s parent, then it’s weird. And of course I wouldn’t stop two people with an age gap like that from being together, but I would absolutely think it was weird. And obviously so would the majority of people.

Who says? It surely depends on the individuals? Glad your'e not my mum.

In my kids school 16 and 13 would not have been appropriate, they would have said the 16 year old was a pedo, they are very against age gap relationships like that, and they wouldn't be a woke bunch or the type who are permanently offended, the exact opposite really but very against these age gaps.

Well said!! Thank you for being sensible and adult about this clearly contentious issue in some peoples opinions

but then what if its the younger one that falls in love with the older one ?

No judgement towards the 18 year old, all judgement towards the 30 year old.

but why if they care about each other and if its what the 18 yr old wanted ? as someone said upthread they could be in a same age relationship and get disrespected etc so its odd why socety judges first rather than asks does the older one treat them with respect and makes them happy ?

surley thats what should matter more as long as they are 18+ then surley a happy and stable relationship is better even if its an age gap one ?

What kind of 30 year old wants to date a teenager?

Because the 30 year should know better. Because the 30 year should be able to recognise how immature an 18 year old is, how lacking in experience they are, how they would hold them back. If the 30 year old genuinely had feelings for the 18 year old they would let them go. But they don’t, because they’re selfish and usually have nefarious reasons as to why somebody so young suits them.

if they connected on hobbies, similar taste in films music enjoys different locations, if the 18 has worldly experience or has various hobbies they can discusss, not all 18yr olds are glued to love island etc.

after all medievel times, 18+ were leading armies, rasing families etc so if they could do that then then what happened with society did we suddenly say oh you have to wait till your 30 had plenty of failed relationships been through the ringer then you can have your age gap relationship ?

Is that the choice we have? Power imbalance or abuse and drugs? I think it’s fine to have boundaries and standards. I personally hope my children manage to find somebody who isn’t abusive, or an addict, or far too old for them.

Medieval times, seriously? You think you’re going to win an argument pulling that out? Want me to list all
the other things that were ok in medieval times? Let’s just bring back marital rape and child marriage, it was ok in the 1400s after all!!

In medieval times girls were giving birth at 13. What's your point?

And if you're 30 and are 'connecting on hobbies' with a teenager, then there's something seriously off about you. And let's face it, the 30 year old will almost always be a man, and the 'so mature for their age' teenager will almost always be a woman girl.

Not many 30 year old women 'connecting on hobbies' with boys just out of school, is there?

im talking about an individuals knowing their own mind, that is all. and the judge mentality of society

you forget the cougar women and even the tv show cougar town, well older women chasing younger guys, never, all women are saints and holy omg