To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

I only ever heard people refer to it casually, and never heard it taken seriously. And of course we’re aware there are no hard and fast rules in it.

I have to say though, the maths has always aligned with how I tend to feel internally about age gaps. Though gets less palatable the older you go – 60 and 37 begins to sound a bit off.

It's neither an unbreakable rule nor a big pile of nonsense. It's a rough guide. While age gap relationships can work, more often there's an underlying power/control imbalance that is troubling. This goes double where it's a woman under 25 and a man substantially older.

Never heard that before and I’ve been on here over 20 years. Date who you like.

But there's been a recent thread on here with an older woman and younger man, and people hated that as well.

Age gaps when one is under the age of 30 and one is over is very different from both being over 30 imo.

I think that's quite patronising to the many sorted and mature twenty-somethings out there.

I think most mumsnet rules are safely ignored. Life would be very dull and toilet brush manufacturers would be broke if we all followed them

Are you the creepy 40 year old who has brainwashed my 19 year old niece? It sounds like something he would say (and she would parrot).

Some age gaps might be legal but some are utterly disgraceful on the part of the older individual and an abuse of power and influence.

You're entitled to think what you like.

As am I.

There is an age gap relationship at work that "fails" the half your age plus 7 suggestion. And, yes, its a bit ick.
He has kids older than her....

😂

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the toilet brush makers?

As the mother of teens, I think it’s a pretty good rule of thumb. So when my dd was telling me about a 16 year old dating a 13 year old, we used the rule to explain why that’s not appropriate.

16 and 15 is fine. 16 and 13 is not.

No, I've been married to someone my own age for nearly 30 years.

Never heard that expression but I certainly would get into a froth about it if I thought my relationship didn’t fit the formula but was right for me. Age gap relationships are a bit weird though.

I mean it's not a precise rule or anything but I think it works pretty well

I have a few older relatives who were happy with guys 10+ years older when they were in their 30s-50s...struggling now thy are 60s/early 70s with partners who are slowing down just as they are starting to enjoy retirement. Age gaps matter differently at different ages.

But even if they were that person, if the older is 40 the minimum age with half plus 7 is 27 not 19.

We've had this for years where I live. Its not a hard and fast rule, but I think it's good for a rough idea

But there's already a law for age of consent, that's well reasoned and sensibly applied. Why use some made up nonsense instead of what's actually properly in place?

I’ve not heard of this ‘rule’ before but I thinks it’s just personal preference, however I’m 50 and I don’t want to date someone who is 32 I couldn’t think of what I would have in common with a person that young, someone of that age is more for my daughter of 26

I tend to ignore age gaps. If it was my adult children I would rather there was a 20 year age gap and they were happy and being treated with respect than with someone their own age who was abusive or a drug addict etc.

Well I'm 47 and wouldn't date a 30 yr old! So yeah of course it is crap. It's up to the personal preferences of the people involved. Once over the age of say 30 I think it's fine. I don't think people in their twenties should be in big age gap relationships though, there is too much of a power differential.

I think the "rule" is pretty arbitrary but I do think people should be very cautious about big age gaps.

I have a friend who is married to someone over 20 years older than her. She is in her early fifties and the last ten years have been hell as her husband has just just had one major health issue after another. He now has vascular dementia which makes him both verbally and physically aggressive towards her. It's a miserable existence that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

And yes, she might have had to deal with decades of health problems if she had married someone of her own age anyway, but having a much older partner certainly increased the odds of her having to face this kind of stuff at a much earlier age. She has two daughters and she is encouraging them to avoid big age gaps at all costs.

Quite - my children are older than half my age plus seven!

My husband is 5 years younger than me! The scandal when we got maaried, Him 21, me 26. We've been married 39 years in December.

I've never heard of it. There's no way I'd use that arbitrary rule to explain to my teens why some age gaps are inappropriate. We talk about different stages in life, power imbalance, vulnerabilities etc