To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

From my age gap friends... because it's still worth it to them. One man I know even sacrificed having children (he wanted them) for the sake of his now wife who is 15 years older.

What of it? I’d still feel guilty as the older one, and you’d think it would dawn on the younger one eventually when the chase has ended. Maybe it’s like a pp says, they feel it’s worth it, it would make me feel sad though, even more so if it was the real deal.

Mumset posters hate age gaps. Even if it works for the people concerned.
And it is not written in stone that the older man in a relationship has more power.
It depends entirely on the personality of those involved.people are judgemental about something that is different to their perceptions.

i think what i ment is why do people look down on the relationship eg power etc when in some cases its the younger one chasing the older one and the younger one knows excatly what they want and why, in that situation why in general are people still horror etc about the relationship ?

I mentioned earlier that my ex was relentlessly pursued by a 19 year old after we split. She definitely knew her own mind there.

Because the older one should know better, and if they really loved the younger one should want more for them. I personally would feel awful if I knew someone was potentially holding their life back in some way for me, which in a lot of age gap relationships they are, or statistically more likely will do at some point. You never know what’s around the corner, but with large age gaps you have more of an idea than most.

currently im mid 40s, my exH is nearly 60, i am more disabled than he is. anything could happen.

My dad was the fittest man I knew. Triathlons. Dropped down with a heart attack at 59. You can be fighting fit at 80, or you could be dead, but the older you get, the more risks rise, that’s just human physiology.

Okay not the best example as that was a genuinely iffy beginning, but Macron is the French Prime Minister so not sure how he's been held back for instance.

Yeah that really is a bad example lol, who knows what he’s psychologically given up as a result of that relationship, he was groomed. But I will go with it, they’ve not had children, no one could convince me he knows what he wants when groomed so young, even if it was a healthy relationship she’s most likely going to die when he’s still pretty “young”, they won’t have a shared retirement which is what I’m most looking forward to, no one knows what’s around the corner but they can’t even plan and look forward to a shared retirement which most similar aged couples
do.

I mean … you can try to be the thought police, but it won’t work.

I'm in a same-age relationship and not generally attracted to older people, but as I've said, for some people, that's a sacrifice they're willing to make in order to have a life together for as long as its possible.

What I will also say is people calling 8/10 years an age gap relationship is daft that's nothing.

Would you say it’s nothing if a 15 year old was seeing a 25 year old? It can also be very different at 65 and 75, as I say I know someone who only had a 6 year gap and she really struggled with his retirement after a very long and successful marriage, he was ready to fully embrace retirement, she wasn’t done working (she had stayed at home with the kids and found her career later in life and still had working years left, he wanted to travel). 10 years can absolutely make a difference, I remember thinking the people in their 30s I worked with in my 20s were ancient, it was a common joke how different we were.

No that's silly, I've said repeatedly I mean 21+.
And at that point, adults can make their choices. To have an age gap relationship, a long distance relationship, one with large religious or cultural differences... all potentially more challenging but as adults, people can make these choices.

I personally had an 8 year age gap (20s/30s) and he didn't look or act any older than me.

It's all maybe a bigger deal for people who are very conventional, and need to have these very defined life stages.

I haven’t tracked your posts so was only replying to that specific one. I agree 10 years might not have much impact 25-55, but I think it does when one is in earlier or later adulthood.

Jeez do you work offshore? My husband 65 is f**king his 26 year old colleague, and yeah his daughter is older than her and our sons not far off her age. It’s disgusting

Stretches the limit of what I think is ok but as a rough guide it works kind of

I think both young women and young men can be very vulnerable in age gap relationships.

A lot of MN rules and beliefs are followed by the herd majority who are either pearl clutchers or not capable of of having a single though of their own thinking.
Live your life the way YOU want to provide it doesn't interfer with others or break legal laws.

Yeah, I'm often amazed at how conservative and small-minded much of the talk on here is. I'm hardly particularly radical myself, I was a very hardcore Christian for 25 years, but I seem very liberal compared to some here.

Well, some religious types are ok with a 18y old girl being married off to a 30/40y old man, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m generally pretty liberal but some 60 year old letching over a young woman turns my stomach. Probably because I had to put up with a lot of that shit in my youth. And I was never flattered, fell in love with them, enjoyed their experience, thought it was romantic or any of those other things we’re supposed to feel. I just felt grossed out and disgusted. I still do. Robert de Niro, Al Pacino, Donald Trump, Leonardo di Caprio all yuck. Jason Bateman, Paul Rudd, Samuel L Jackson, Denzel Washington all cool as hell.

Being cool with older men feeling entitled to much younger women is hardly liberal. It's the mainstay of the most conservative, misogynist societies.

One of the reasons I have an issue with it is that young women have so much to deal with from men their own age, and we don't explicitly lay out quite how misogynist our world is, so often they are still somewhat naive. Wouldn't it be lovely for them if men old enough to be their fathers could feel paternal towards them, rather than sexually possessive?

This formulaic number thing sounds a bit like the Bible. You know three or four score plus ten.

But we have to give a. nod to the French who claim to know everything.

In terms of age people are free to date who they want really. As long as it's legal. Obviously there are benefits and disadvantages And you will always get both male and female schoomerzes and meal ticket merchants,

Anyway, on a positive note. Think Joan Collins and her husband who is around 30 years younger. She still seems to be very happy.

DH and I got together when I was 19 and he was 34. We’re still together 29 years later and have just celebrated our silver 25th wedding anniversary. We have 2 lovely children who are 18 and 24 and we are still going strong. We raised a few eyebrows when we first started dating but I think we are proof that age gap relationships can work.