To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

I believe generally people should date who theyre happy with whatever their ages. That said age differences have more weirdness at different times of life. Eg an 18 year old and a 30 year old is a bit off in a way that a 30 year old and a 42 year old isn't.

When I was 20 I wouldn't have dreamt of dating a 30 year old but at 56 I'd consider dating a 65 year old.

I still judge people (lets face it, usually men) who date 25, 30 etc years younger. It's not too bad if the younger is north of 40 and the older 65/70 because they're both experienced adults but if one is very young and one over say 50 the power imbalance (and generally perving over someone young enough to be their child) is unpleasant imo.

So if it was, say, a 19 year old woman and a 40 year old man you'd not think there might be something unhealthy going on?

I think you're taking it too seriously- it's just a throwaway line that acknowledge that an age gap (by number of years) is less of a thing the older you get (26 and 16- no. 86 and 76- fine).

I tend to think that everything is fine once both parties are fully developed adults- mid to late 20s. I have two good friends whose relationships break the "rule" and couldn't give a fig.

Same.

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships

Mumsnet attracts certain people who have a dim view of practically everything, apart from misery. I could post a thread about beautiful sunsets and someone would tell me sunsets are evil and misogynistic.

Except children. Don't date the children.

I’ve been on MN for decades and this is honestly the first time I’ve heard that phase both on here and IRL. I also don’t believe MN is any more anti age gap relationships than in real life but like most parents I’d not feel too happy if my 18 year old dd started dating a guy much older than her.

I think it can be helpful as a guide. The issue comes is when people treat it like an immutable law of physics that must be obeyed and applies to every circumstance, and anyone who doesn’t abide by this “law” is a sick pervert.

IMO I think a woman dating a man more than 10 years older can be problematic.

22/32 may not be a problem, nor 32/42 but when you get to 62/72 and 72/82 ill health comes into the picture.
The women I know who married men much older had a lot of advantages at the start, because the man was well-established in his career and there was a significant financial benefit. However, as time went on they were either widowed early or became an unpaid carer for their spouse.

No as a general rule it makes sense.
Actually what I've found here is that people don't apply it!!

Weird views about a 26 year old dating a 20-year-old which is completely OK imo.

As would be a 40 and 27 and

I think that yabu because what I find here is a weird disapproval of anybody not dating anyone of their exact same age. Lol.
That's f*ing bonkers imo.

Twenty-somethings are adults, they can have whatever relationships they wish.

Half my age plus 7 would be 23. I can’t imagine a world when I’d ever be remotely attracted to someone a decade younger. I primarily teach 18-22 year olds with the odd older student here and there and I seriously see most of them as children. They’re just so immature, it isn’t hot.

Then when I look to the other side, the maximum age I could date by this rule would be 52. I’d definitely be more attracted to a 52 year old than 23 year old and would arguably have more in common.

Never heard of it!

I was 24 and my now DH 33 when we got together. Both recent graduates, sharing a hobby. About to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and our DS graduates today! Not sure of we defy 'the math'. Never heard of it.

This is a good point. Years ago a friend married a man who was 20+ years older than her (second marriage for him - she was older than his children, but not by a huge amount). Another friend said to me that Friend 1 was lining herself up to be her husband's carer in due course. I was a bit taken aback at the time by the very blunt way she put it, but now we are all in our mid 60s this is indeed how it's turned out. Not the only couple I know where that's happened, either.

On the other hand, my husband is six years older than I am and in far better shape. Six years is really not a big age gap, though, as long as the younger partner is 18+.

Yep. Hating age gap relationships is one hill I will die on. When I hear about a very young woman being with a man in his 30s or 40s I feel a bit ill. And then the woman often says well I was a very mature 19y and he wasn’t. Who wants to go out with an immature 35 year-old?!. Luckily my kids are young adults and have no interest at all in much older partners.

I think large ish age gaps are fine as long both are 25+ years. Under that and it becomes a bit questionable.

Mumsnet seems to be obsessive about other peoples consensual relationships. "I think its icky", "its exploitative", when actually its "none of your business".
Reminds me of Les Dawson and Roy Bararaclough AKA Cissie and Ada gossipping over the garden wall 🤣

I think it's what men base their OLD age preferences on. I'm in my mid 50s so men my age are looking for 33 year olds and I'd look pretty good to the gentlemen in their 80s.

So you actually feel ill if people date people who are not born in the same year? Or month? Or day? How far do you take this?

How dare you take a dim view of people who take a dim view! I can tell just by reading this that you kick puppies.

Not necessarily. I was 19 when I met my husband. Following the rule mentioned in the OP we just scraped into acceptability. We've been married for well over 40 years now and it's been great.

I loathe this fashion for adoring big age gap relationships. In practice it’s usually an old man trying to run after a toddler while his young wife wastes her best years caring for the old man. I don’t see the glamour that other people do. And I feel for the children losing their father at a young age. I’ve seen the fall out. Because some age gap relationships work out doesn’t make it a good thing and I think the reason we’re supposed to applaud is that old men like to have young wives.

Christ on a bike 🙄

well an immature 35 year old is a not a terrible balance to a mature 19 year old. Yeah - the gap is a bit hmm, but still not illegal

And if you go by half plus - 35 / 2 = 17.5 plus 7 is 24.5
So the half plus 7 puts the 19 year old out of scope anyway