To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

Yeah, that's a TV show. Not real life.

In real life age gap relationships almost always involve an older man/younger woman combo.

You're in such a 'relationship' yourself, aren't you?

Indeed, especially when it’s an especially young person, where there is an age gap relationship where it is the woman who is older, the man isn’t often under 30.

nope a spinster, prefer the quiet life, but i do enjoy the hypocrisy of society with age gaps

Cher & Alexander "AE" Edwards: 40 year age gap
Joan Collins & Percy Gibson: 32 year age gap
Holland Taylor & Sarah Paulson: 32 year age gap
Kris Jenner & Corey Gamble: 25 year age gap
Sam Taylor-Johnson & Aaron Taylor-Johnson: 23 year age gap

Sam Taylor Johnson is horrific, I agree that goes against the common pattern, but she’s vile, certainly not something to be celebrated.

Now list the number of famous men with decades younger women.

Might be a good way to pass the time until the England kick off. You'll need at least that long.

i much prefer needlework than football

Ignoring the “let’s go back to medieval times” suggestion, an 18 year old cannot possibly have the “worldly experience” of a 30+ year old. They certainly haven’t had the years of relationship experience. Yes I know, what about and what if and all that. But they don’t. They’re only just coming out of childhood, and not yet out of adolescence. And any actual adult can see that a mile off, and unless there’s something wrong with you, that isn’t attractive.

Did we suddenly say it after medieval times? 😂

Yes I think it was one sunny April day in 1634, literally came out of nowhere, big change and shock for everyone.

I just googled those and most of those started when the younger man was around 36.....the vast majority don't care one bit when the youngest person is that age, regardless of gender.

No idea who the last couple are but he was 18 and she was 42. That sickens me and it sickens many other people, no different than if it were a man or a woman.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson married director Sam Taylor-Johnson because of their profound personal connection and shared life goals, despite their 23-year age gap

I don't care, I think she was disgusting to date/sleep with someone so young.

so when did humanity change the goal posts, one min 18 year olds are leading armies in medievel times and rasing familys yet now suddenly they are too young just because people are living longer etc ?

See my response to that at 01:47am

it just seems odd that you can vote, join the military, and so on yet somehow if you fall for an older person suddenly your relationship is wrong, yet even same age relationships can and do fall apart so its like what happened society ?

Why do you keep saying 'suddenly'? I'd say it was gradual cultural shift, not sudden at all.

"There are a large amount of people today that view age gap relationships to be immoral. For example, a 26 yo man dating a 19 yo woman. People will say this is wrong because “she is too young to understand she’s being manipulated” “, her brain isn’t fully developed yet” “they don’t have enough life experiences to know any better”.

If people against age gap relationships truly think this then they should be for raising the voting age as well.

If young adults are too immature & don’t have enough life experience to date who they want, then how are they somehow mature enough to choose who should run the country. If their brains aren’t fully developed yet then why should they be able to vote, their brains are apparently too small to be able to date but large enough to be able to choose who controls the entire country. ?"

Anyways thats my points on the age gap debate

Well young people deserve representation in the government. Voting is about collective, decision making, but relationships are a one on one power dynamic.

And while of course a young peoples choices in voting may well end up having a direct impact on their lives it is generally nothing at all like the impact that intimate relationships can have on an individual.

Everyone, no matter what age they are can make poor voting decisions that affect everyone else. Who says that older voters make better decisions on who controls the entire country? I'm not from the UK but I understand hat many in the UK believe that Brexit was a mistake, yet young adults had the highest amount of remain voters.

YANBU. Until just now, I didn't know this 'rule' originated that long ago. I think I first heard it on TV in the 2000s. Anyway, it's arbitrary, and I indulge in a little inner eye-roll when people reference it as though it's accepted knowledge of some type.

I understand feeling uncomfortable with large age gaps, but we all have different thresholds for where that discomfort starts, and so much depends on individual circumstances, maturity levels, the older person's intentions, etc. Some people act as though a 30-year-old dating someone in their mid 20s is a disgusting age gap, which is just crazy, imo.

I agree with you @Dizzydrizzy, I have never heard of that "rule" before either!

I also think that when it comes to age gap relationships, each one - if there needs to be any judgement at all - should be judged individually. I don't think that there is a natural law that governs all age gap relationships!

I have been married twice, the first time I was under 20 years old, and he was 4 years older than me, his friends teased him that he was a baby snatcher! My next, and present husband, is almost 8 years older than me, but we started going out when I was 32 and he was almost 40. Which I believe is a perfectly reasonable age gap, but if we had met and started going out when I was 12, and he was almost 20, many people would have called him a paedophile.

So, I am actually interested to know, whether anyone thinks of a particular number of years that would make a difference in ages turn from just being an accepted norm, to then becoming an age gap that is worthy of a damning judgement?

Ive never met a mature 20 year old who was deemed mature by anyone but the man wanting to fuck her

we started going out when I was 32 and he was almost 40. Which I believe is a perfectly reasonable age gap, but if we had met and started going out when I was 12, and he was almost 20, many people would have called him a paedophile.

What a weird comment to make.
Well yes obviously they would have, and he would have been one.
It's not in any way the same as a 32 and 40 year old.

Yes you can join the military, but do you know what you can’t do? Get into a relationship with someone in your chain of command due to the power imbalance among other things (whatever the age) you’re comparing apples and pears, no one is saying an 18 year old isn’t mature enough for a relationship at all. It’s about appropriate relationships.

I have met young people who I think are mature for their age - but it doesn’t give me any desire to enter into a relationship with them. I see them as a separate generation, not a peer. I’m not so ageist to think a younger person has nothing they could teach me. But at most I would think a friendship or even sort of mentor relationship might develop naturally. But romantic? Hmm… I think it’s possible, but I think it’s really extraordinarily rare for two people with such a gap to genuinely connect like that as equals and in the vast majority of these cases it is a problematic dynamic that I have no desire to “normalise”. The happy few will just have to deal with judgements of others, since they are adults and they know full well what they’re getting into. I’m sure they can handle it.

The thread is not about specific age gaps, the point is that a formula has been created to help guide people in what would be acceptable depending on the age - so the gap has to change. Your husband at 20 would have been able to date a 17 year old at the youngest. At 40, the rule here would say he could date a 27 year old - which you were well over that at 32. As others have said, the rule is more for younger people as over 30, most people think you’re definitely an adult. But, again, as you get much older, I wouldn’t want to date a man in his 60s at my age, and would think it was pretty weird if I met a couple with a 40-45 year age gap where the oldest was elderly, even if the youngest was well over 30.