To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

Did it not show a new perspective for you when you had a 19 year old? Would you have been genuinely comfortable with them dating someone at such a vastly different stage of life?

Exactly, that's the whole point I'm making - reducing stuff down to formulas is ridiculous, and creates an arbitrary right/wrong thing that ignores a whole heap of other things. It's especially ridiculous when the formula is clearly a literary device or a figure of speech, and not based on any scientific modern understanding of how people and relationships work.

The simple fact is that some relationships are abusive and some aren't. Age may be a factor in that, but there's many others, and a big age gap isn't automatically a problem. Likewise, a similar age isn't automatically sweetness and light.

I should add that of the age gap relationships I know, only one (man 30s, woman 50s) causes me any concerns, but it has nothing to do with the age gap - it's got a lot more to do with them both being gruesomely dysfunctional people who are clearly massively toxic to each other.

The thing is, you are the one that brought up this formula and are then arguing against it! Most people don’t stick to talking about a specific formula. They rightly think though that a 30 year-old man going out with an under 20 year-old woman is downright creepy. Formula or no formula.

Yeah, I brought up this formula because it's nonsense, that's the point I've made throughout. I've not supported it anywhere.

And that entirely illustrates the point i'm making. None of us know what will happen, so immediately turning down an older/younger person because of age gap and what "might" potentially might happen in 40 years down the line is daft.

Do what makes you happy, and take life as it comes.

And my point is that you still have statistics and probability, maybe if you’re not someone who thinks much about the future much you can easily switch off, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself in the moment knowing that statistically our marriage will much likely be shorter, that I could be a carer or that I will eventually be alone and grieving. An important aspect of my marriage is the hope that comes with planning for the future, it must be such an elephant in the room to not be able to discuss retirement freely?

Anyways that’s of course a personality thing, people who more easily live in the moment probably won’t be hindered by that.

I saw something this morning about 100-year-old Dick Van Dyke and his 54 year old wife. They almost made it.

46 yr gap,

Define "an age gap couple". Is it a year, 5 years, 20 years? What is acceptable?

The entire thread is about whether a specific rule on what is and isn't acceptable is stupid. The definition is there in the thread title and the original post!

I think your comments on here have been extremely small-minded.

And you seem fixated on that formula for some reason even though I don't think many in real life are sitting down and halving their age and adding 7. Also if anything it's generally the people who think age gap relationships are fine who use the quote on these threads and not the ones who are against them.

I think you've completely misunderstood me.

I don't care what age consenting adults in relationships are. The "rule" is one lots of people on here think is set in stone. I don't. People can date who they want.

No I read correctly that you don't care what age they are, but I think your views on those who are against them are small-minded.

As I said it's often the people who are ok with age-gap relationships who will say to go with that rule on here.

For those like myself who are against them when the younger person is only a teenager/very young adult that's normally the 'rule' we use, that they're not ok if the younger person is under a certain age, not the half your age plus 7 rule.

I've made it clear I'm talking about consenting adults.

It is a pile of shite...
If you are both adults then knock yourself out.

Yes, and I think your views about those who are against these relationships when one of the consenting adults are very young are small-minded.

I'm a firm believer that other people's lives are none of my business.

But you're on here discussing theoretical other people's lives and policing other people's opinions...

So why are you being the thought/opinion police then?

What about her friends? Do they have both sets of friends over at the same time, so you are having a BBQ with a bunch of 25 year olds? Or has she had to drop her's? Does she go on holidays, still with her friends? Her parents are your age group, were they invited? A 59 year old won't mix in well, on a typical 25 year olds holiday. It's rare, that a man that old, waves off his 25 year old girlfriend, so she can do what most 25 year olds want to do. Often the older man takes that life phase off his younger girlfriend. As long as nothing is given up, fair enough. At 30 and 64, cracks are going to show. It then hits home, that the younger person has thrown away their carefree and maximum energy levels, 20s.
Re power imbalance etc, there's good reason why we don't put under 25 year olds, in adult prisons and you are classed as a young person and therefore have vulnerabilities re housing etc.

You never answered my question about if one of your friends started dating your 20-something year old child.

What do you consider to be an age gap?

I guess it would depend on what they were like as a person. Just the same as I would if they were both the same age

I think it's a silly rule. I'm not sure there should be any rules as long as you're both adults and consenting.
I met my DP when he was 28 and I was 46. Been together two years now. Key for us is what we're looking for in life - he absolutely doesn't want kids of his own, though is great with mine, but if we were looking for different things in life it might not work out. I mean, he's 30 and a doctor, it's hardly that I'm taking advantage of an inexperienced young person.