Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Nope, that's now how his disability works. And it's not being inconsiderate to have a disabilty so maybe stop using bigoted language.

Your the one misunderstanding people and getting on your high horse based on that. Enjoy your wild venting.

Goodnight.

I don't think the OP is coming back anyway so I don't think it really matters who says what at this point.

I think we can acknowledge DS has a disability, the OP says he can't help being loud or heavy handed, but we won't get any answers to any questions about this.

I think we can acknowledge that some babies don't need a routine and they seem fine while other babies do need a routine and they can't just hop back into a routine the next day quite so easily if they've had a disturbance. The child is 1, statutory maternity leave will now be ending or have already ended, and if OPs DD is looking for work or is working then everybody getting some good rest is important.

And I think we can acknowledge that if OPs DD had a better living alternative available to her, she'd probably have chosen it because who wants to move back in with their parents after being independent unless there are serious circumstances that prevent living independently.

The OP doesn't have to do anything, but inaction will affect one child and action will affect another and compromise has to come willingly from all involved otherwise it just won't work. I don't think compromise is coming willingly, and neither do I think the DDs suggestions, which weren't demands, were disproportionate. Circumstances change, families grow and shrink and sometimes routines have to be changed.

Unfortunately, demanding that a person with a disability stop inconveniencing you when you are living in someone else's home by their favour is indeed disproportionate.

OP has already indicated she's happy to ask him to keep it down and that he is unable to do so.

So the DD's demands can't be fulfilled.

The only option the OP would then have would be to unfairly exclude her disabled son from her life and further favour the DD.

She chooses not to do that in her own home.

There seems to be a deliberately ableist determination to refuse to understand that yes she can ask him to keep it down and no he will not always remember to comply and that it is not him being unfair or unkind, it is part of his disability.

Once we accept that simple reality the situation becomes clear.

OP is also being asked to make disproportionate changes to her own life, she is to creep to her own toilet after 7pm at night and even the front door opening in her own home after 7pm is apparently problematic.

Her choice therefore is between an inconvenience for her daughter (the baby is absolutely fine of course) or excluding and ostracising her son.

She has chosen not to exclude and ostracise her son, who she loves, because he has a disability that DD finds annoying, partly because given his disability this will damage their relationship and cause him distress.

So she can simply continue to allow her disabled son to visit a couple of times a week as they have happily done until DD started making demands that cannot be met.

The baby is fine, nobody lives in a cone of silence, it's not possible. If DD moves she will not find a silent home after 7pm anywhere else either, or if she can find that she should simply go.

The DD is being done an enormous favour and will have to learn to cope with the nothingburger of occasional noise in the OPs home in exchange for a free and safe place to live.

If you say so.

Yes, I do, as reality agrees with me :) Thanks.

Are you ok @occamsrazor26 ? You have a very aggressive view of the baby on this post. You call people who have a different opinion to you “bigots” yet you are the one showing strong animosity, disregard, or intolerance toward those who hold different opinions..

Perfectly said. We’ve come to a point in society where every single thing an autistic person does is brushed away with “they can’t help it”. People no longer have bad traits, it’s all excused with neurodiversity.

Neurodiverse people are still capable of being selfish or mean or anything else and it not being because of their neurodivergence. And they can also be encouraged to change their behaviours. It may take longer or you may need to take a different approach.

And yes, me and my children are neurodiverse. Diagnosed.

You’re the most agressive person I’ve seen on this thread. Constantly repeating words like “ableist” and “bigot” doesn’t make it true either, those words have been thrown around so much in order to shut people up that no one really pays attention to them anymore.

Agree. Dd had a friend who was always "I can't help it, I just am loud, just the way I am. Everyonejust has to put up with the real me."

One day in exasperation she said after they'd said that again " if you can't be quieter we'll just not talk until later because it isn't fair on everyone around".

Suddenly they discovered that they did have a quiet button and what's more kept the volume down the entire journey.

Just no.

please point out where I have continuously personally abused you?

There is nothing wrong with my ability to make an argument, and plenty of people have agreed with my comments

You need to learn to put forward your points succinctly, without repetition and less aggressively. I agree with other posters that you seem very aggressive, you can’t throw around accusations of bigotry because someone doesn’t agree with yiu

Hyperbole is not reality.

Sometimes people have to make changes to their behaviour or routines, yes, even autistic people.

Presenting possible solutions to a problem is not a demand.

Not wanting your child to be woken up by someone who doesn't see why it's his responsibility not to be loud isn't hating autistic traits, it's caring about your child.

Asking for modified times of visiting is not ostracisation or bigotry, that is hyperbole.

You can carry on your I'm big your small, I'm right you're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it tirade but simply stating you are the one true factual person and everyone else is a bigot does not make it a reality.

Thank you. I really feel that the approach that labels all behaviour as part of the disability is reductive and massively unhelpful to everyone, including those living with disability. It stops people reaching their potential and limits possibilities for them. Autistic people have such a wide range of abilities, but to suggest that autism makes you incapable of caring about others is outrageous and a massive insult to all the autistic people who are kind and loving.

It's great I didn't offer any hyperbole at all, just facts then :)

The hyperbole and hysteria about a normal noise waking a kid a few times a week has been something to behold though 😆

Yep, you're definitely a bigot if you are pretending his disability isn't real and definitely trying to exclude and ostracise a beloved family member from the home his mother wants him to visit since - as you are aware - that's his only option. As has been explained to you repeatedly by me, by many others and by the OP, he can't just magic his disability away and he is unable to comply with the daughter's demands.

And so you don't get to impose your ableist bigotry on him. You're welcome.

Making up narratives you wish were true isn't offering options. However much you wish you could, in an ableist and bigoted fashion, exclude a disabled man from visiting his loving mother in her own home, it doesn't look like OP will be doing that.

And yeah, the daughter who's being done the enormous favour will indeed have to change her behaviour, stop freaking out about a nothingburger, and the OP and her son can carry on as usual in her own home, in exactly the same totally non controversial way they always have.

And the OP won't have to creep around not opening the front door or using the loo past 7.

All sorted then.

Hope this helps :)

@wildorangetruckI’m not saying you should have to, but could you visit your son sometimes in the evenings? Even if it was once a week, that would reduce the disruption for the baby at home.

I think they think he should be gagged or something.

Absolutely agree.
It is ableist to suggest that low support needs ND people aren't capable of changing or adapting their behaviour, or don't care that they upset other people.

Happy to help, Occam'srazor!

Don't think I've addressed you in this thread before but I wasn't raging, I did a smiley and all see :)