Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Yanbu. Of course you love your two children equally and your daughter is framing this unreasonably as trying to make you choose between them. You will not tell your son to stop visiting any more than you would tell your daughter to move out. You can remind your son that everyone is trying to be quiet after 7 but that's it. Your daughter needs to accept that no living situation is perfect

As usual OP being a good parent means balancing the needs of both your kids - there is room for compromise, there's also plenty of room for selfish behaviour on both sides but as a parent that should not be tolerated - you never stop learning and it seems you never stop parenting either.

Dude, I am an autistic person who has always struggled to sleep.

I also have two autistic children, both of whome took several hours to fall asleep, even as baby, and neither of whom slept more then 3 consecutive hours until after the age of 5 (which meant I slept even less, as I was up both). I taught both that they need to be quiet if other people are sleeping, as non of us could survive with the little sleep we were getting being any more disrupted. When you're living off 2-3h of sleep a night, and someone carelessly makes it so yo lose another hour of that, it really does feel like a slap in the face.

A mistake would be if he tried to be quite but occasionally forgot or needed to be reminded. Deciding it "not your responsibility" is not a mistake, it's a decision. OP needs to find a way to make her son understand that he is responsible for the amount of sound coming out of his own mouth.

What's the obsession with white noise machines? Anyone else fine white noise absolutely unbearable? They make me feel so stressed and like I'm having a nervous breakdown - car fans, extractor fans, hoovers, some air fryers (we have an old noisy one) even kettles boiling! Thank God they weren't a thing when I was a baby or my kids. I would have lost my mind!

They're horrible. DS had one as a baby, and it used to do that thing where you basically get auditory hallucinations as your brain tries to interpret the noise. Sometimes it was music but most of the time all I could hear was a baby crying, which was really distressing when there wasn't actually a baby crying. I still get it when I can hear fans and air con or even the shower running.

Also it didn't stop the waking from random thuds or loud noises either so it was just an extra stress.

Agreed.
Plus they are both adults and they can have this conversation with eachother instead of making it OP's problem.

You are prioritising an adult (your DS) over an actual child. Obviously he needs to be quiet. Yes it's your house but why are you not putting your grandchildren first?

I'm ND and sorry but it's no excuse really, you can't go through life excusing thoughtless behaviour because of it.

Oh God, they sound like a nightmare! Poor you!

My youngest didn't sleep for more than 2 hours in a row until he was 2, noise didn't seem to bother him, he seemed to just want to be cuddled non stop! I'd still have preferred not sleeping for 2 years than one of those nightmare machines.

Why would you put someone else's child above your own?

Her daughter is also her child......

Stompythedinosaur · Yesterday 10:58
Your ds is being extremely inconsiderate and should keep the noise down! It's entirely reasonable to ask a regular visitor to be considerate or not to come over, and I'm amazed you think otherwise.
Why should the little one have the impact of disturbed sleep because of his selfish behaviour? Why does your ds feel ok harming his nephew?
If you want your dd to leave, have an adult conversation about it, rather than making your house an uncomfortable place for her and her ds.

Replies like this are why people are afraid to post on mn! I think op wants to have her son be able to come and go as he pleases while helping out her daughter too.

So his her son. The reply was about putting the GRANDCHILD first. Who is not her child

Maybe because the grandchild is a literal baby... and the son is a grown man

I repeat my question - do you know what masking is? Do you know well anyone who is autistic who works and lives independently? Unless you have intimate knowledge of autism and masking, you cannot make your assertions.

I might add that if you know one autistic person, then you know one autistic person. You cannot lump autistic people together and say with confidence that "they do x" or that 'they do y'. Autistic Spectrum Conditions do not work that way.

Yes, this is a common issue and I do sympathise. I had similar issues with my ASC child who did not even sleep as a newborn, so I do understand. What I do not like is everyone having a go at the young man.

He is visiting his mother (childhood home?) at the end of his working day and is stripping his mask off. That mask he wears all day, to fit in with his work colleagues. He is most likely being himself with a person and in a place where he used to be accepted as he is. Now things have changed and he cannot be himself without being accused of being selfish. Yes, he can change his ways, but he doesn't want to, probably, or maybe doesn't see why he should. He needs help, not constant reproach.

I suspect that there is probably a work around that might work for all concerned, but seeing the situation as someone's selfish behaviour will not achieve that.

Some people are just loud and while I understand that it wakes your DGC up I don't think your DD has the right to move in and start dictating to other people, if as you say your DS had a disability that makes it difficult for him to be quiet it's hardly his fault.

You of course can ask him not to come round after work, but once your DD moves out remember you can't suddenly expect him to start popping in again and him to agree.

My children would still come first

Over your own grandchildren? That’s exactly what all the mums who cut their daughter in law off when she leaves their son because he was cheating on her say and do.

Well in your case i expect you wouldn't allow your grandchildren in the door then

Because the baby needs sleep for brain growth. It's a physical need.

The son doesn't have a physical need to be loud or even visit when the baby's sleeping. His brain growth won't be slowed by being loud or not visiting.

There's a hierarchy of needs and the physical needs and requirements of a young infant should take priority over an adult's wish to visit a home where he won't take care not to be loud.

“He doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up”. Your son doesn’t seem like a very kind or considerate person, who thinks of others. You say he’s a young 25 year old, so there’s probably a lesson here for him.

Children? So if you were the OP you’d consider the needs of both son and daughter? That’s not how your comments read

And the daughter is considering her babies needs.

you sound very one sided to be perfectly honest!

why are you so against the daughter and her baby?

It would be both her daughter and grandchild. No need to shout now 😂

Yes both son and daughter.

Wouldn't be putting my grandchildren above my daughter either if it was sons kid

She OP is going so by getting the daughter live there. So she gets 90% priority whereas the son gets 2 evenings a week

My grandchildren are obviously allowed in the door lol. What a daft comment.