Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

How would the brother even whispering stop the fact the mere door being used can wake the baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

My toddler was alway told to stop any noisy tantrum when his baby sister was napping, most of the time he'd listen because playing with mummy without the baby being arround was much more fun then mummy spending another hour getting baby back to sleep.

There's not actually a way to "teach" a brain to stop registering sound, most NT people's brain automatically does it, this baby's it seems does not. Depriving the child of sleep will not make it's brain process sound differently.

Surely the most important person in all this is the baby? Not the OP, not her daughter, not her son, the baby!

Babies need sleep and lots of it and if they don’t get it they are out of sync all day, irritable, unhappy and difficult to settle which further impacts your daughter and anyone who cares for the baby during the day.

As a mum, you have welcomed your daughter and grandchild back into your home and in doing so you should be prioritising their needs over a child that doesn’t live in the house, autistic or not. To wake up a baby who is upstairs your son’s voices must absolutely bellow and he must lump and crash about so much to use your toilet. I don’t think the level of sound he is making should be considered reasonable. Whether he can help it or not is besides the point. If your son is incapable of keeping his voice down at 8pm at night, then I actually agree with your daughter and he should stop coming round late at night or you should go and meet him elsewhere. I understand where you are coming from in regards to ‘it’s his home’ because it’s your home and he’s always welcome from a emotional perspective, but the reality is, it’s not his actual home. He can go elsewhere to be excessively loud, the baby and your daughter right now cannot. You agreed to have them, so it’s now your responsibility to make sure they are treated with a bit of respect.

Harming the baby. 4 hours noise a week and 164 hours creeping about

And how on earth are you supposed to teach a baby not to hear sounds.

its not routine noise, it’s a distrurbance that can definitely be avoided

Are you forgetting that this baby struggles to fall asleep in the first place, he is not going to be in a deep enough sleep to be able to sleep through noisy voices and laughing

Depends how the door is being used

Messaging when outside vs knocking / doorbell
Open and close carefully vs slamming

Much like the voice volume, it's a matter of being mindful and considerate

Same as a second baby with a toddler sibling I suppose. They don't get creeping around whispering to sleep

Well said

So granny is a hostage to her grandchild got it.

Creeping to her toilet like a ninja.

Can’t have people use her door they must text/call once outside.

can’t have her son visit 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Ive never met such a glass baby.

What a stupid comment. Babies thrive on routine. A one off late night because of a wedding or special occasion, absolutely. But regular weekly interference, no. If the baby needs to be in bed by 7, then that’s the time he goes. How can you even suggest that a 1 year old should be making accommodations for a grown adult so he can shout the house down and crash about at 8pm.

toddlers voice Vs grown man’s deep voice and stomping feet, hmmm not the same

Even granny has to creep though this isn’t even really about the son. The whole house has to move and be silent once the baby sleeps basically.

If the baby slept for half an hour, then was woken, that could act much like a danger nap, amd the baby might not be able to sleep again for 4/5 hours. Therefore instead of sleeping 8-8 and getting 12h sleep, it would be up u till 1am, and only get 7h. If that's happening multiple times a week, it will be impacting the babies health and development.
It will also be awful for the mother to have to deal with the overtired baby, both that night and the next day, then just when she's got it back to a normal sleep cycle, the brother visits again and does the exact same thing.

The baby is not sleeping though. When he’s there. Unfortunately for him and Mum

Daughter needs to sort the sleeping, white noise, co sleeping or whatever.

She shouldn’t expect to hold her mother hostage to silence because she needed to move back in. She moved back into her mums house mum didn’t move into her home.

Op doesn’t have to give up her evenings because of it.

Hostage ha right! You’re filling in gaps with nonsense

and it does sound like she is trying to sort out the sleep, it can’t be easy though being in a new home for them The white noise machines are awful

There’s a very bit difference between normal household noises and someone literally shouting so loud they can be heard upstairs and banging around in the bathroom. Imagine yourself asleep right now and someone literally comes into your room and screams in your ear, would you like that, being startled awake multiple times a week? That’s effectively what he is doing to this poor little baby. The son is being purposefully spiteful.

how is she trying when her answer is he can’t come round on a weekday.

How is it not like being a hostage or prisoner in your own home if you even have to creep to your own bathroom and using your own front door can wake the baby. It means all visitors or even trips out the house or bathroom are restricted. Because ops on edge about waking this baby who can’t sleep in a normal home.

Said forget the brother this is just stuff ops having to do.

God help her if she ever has more children 🤣

I have learnt over the years that people are either door closers or door slammers. My family are door closers but we often have guests who just slam doors behind them, without depressing the handle & latch. It shakes the entire house.

If said young man is closing the front door by slamming it behind him then YABU.

If he’s capable of holding down a job then he’s capable of learning to speak at a normal volume to help his sister’s baby (and his nephew) to fall asleep. None of you seem to be particularly bothered about the baby, just your son’s feelings.

Some babies are temperamentally very light sleepers and there’s sweet FA you can really do about it no matter how many white noise machines you invest in. If we all slept exactly the same way then no one would be an insomniac, nor would we have night owls and early birds.

But why would you not make those adaptation if you knew it made life better for your loved ones.

The extra effort in calling vs ringing the bell is negligible.

Not stamping your feet on the way to the toilet isn't difficult

It's seconds of very slight effort to save her daughter hours of work and her grandchild days of feeling tired.

Toddler having tantrums and screaming is ear splitting

Really? How do you get that? My eldest never slept before 10 or 11pm as a baby, would wake up in the night until she was past 3.5 ( I know this as DD 2 slept through the night first) And be awake by 7ish . Started nursery 8.30. It wasn't silent where they had naps in nursery either

She's in her mid 30s and absolutely nothing wrong with her health or development and never had Been

Id ask him to continue visiting but to please be a little quieter. I’d also get a white noise machine for the baby, they’re fab at drowning out noise

Clearly the son is jealous that all the attention isn’t on him for once so he’s deliberately trying to make things difficult for his sister.

Op won’t be back

Its very possible that DS has been given the message that "he cant help it" all his life and this is a big part of why he does not see he should make an effort here. Autism does not make you an arse, but being spoiled and favoured does.