Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

It’s your daughter’s home too. If he did come in every night and wake the baby the problem be solved with your sleep deprived daughter murdering him in a homicidal rage. Can you not think back to when you had babies and how you’d have felt if someone had woken them up a few nights a week? They aren’t babies forever, I’d see if your son could meet you somewhere else once a week and only come around to yours once a week if he can’t not wake the baby, can you afford to shout him a drink at a cafe or pub? But while it’s summer you could just go for a walk.

He is a delivery drivers mate so his finishing time varies depending on the day but he rarely comes around before 7.

Could you ask him to call you when he's outside and you let him in or he comes in the back door etc. I think your daughter is being reasonable, having a little one who is a difficult sleeper is a nightmare. She wants to get her daughter to sleep and relax. Could your daughter consider playing white noise or music in the same room as sleeping little one.
Your son is autistic, so is my daughter, she's improved some of her social skills and consideration towards other people. Maybe your son could too. Thinking about other people and adapting is a life skill.

He is obviously functioning well though if he has a job? So it shouldn't be a hardship to remind him to keep it down?

But her daughter and grandchild are also equally family members, and the sons noisy visits will be making the daughter feel unwelcome.

If he has the capacity to live independently and work, he has the capacity to keep his voice down when someone is sleeping. He's choosing to make his sister spend hours resettling the baby simply because he "doesn't feel it's his responsibility to be quite" thats an active decision to be cruel to a struggling mum (who's clearly having a rough time if she's had to move home), and a child who will be overtired from been distributed all the time. Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture, so it's quite concerning that he is choosing to inflicted it on a child, and your supporting him to do so.

I feel for your dd having had a non sleeping 1 yo myself. Having said that it is your home and it does sound like you try and encourage your ds to be quieter so I do think she is being unreasonable to ask that you don’t have your ds round. Is a bedroom swap possible so that the 1 yo is in a quieter room? Or I had sone success with a white noise machine (or app and speaker) that sort of helps screen out background sounds.

Your daughter is being very entitled. Up until now the arrangement worked for your son, and for you, who is the homeowner. She is very lucky you are accommodating her (I do hope she works/is looking for work and is helping you out rather than just freeloading).
By all means try and get him to keep the noise down/sit outside to chat etc. But the whole family should not be held to ransom by a kid's bedtime. I say that as someone who has a DH with a very loud voice.
And sorry but I attend weekly social meetings at a friend's house where we have dinner downstairs followed by a discussion related to our group - they have a baby upstairs. They have to suck it up, use a white noise machine, go and settle or just accept that this happens sometimes and life doesn't revolve around a kid's sleep.

agree. OP is pandering to him

I think both of your children need to be a bit more respectful or the other.

Daughter could get get a white noise machine, or have a low story on to settle son to sleep, and understand that her brother comes to see you.

Son needs to be mindful of nephew sleeping and try to keep his noise down.

Sounds a lot like favouritism to me. You’re essentially telling your DD (and your GS) that they need to just deal with the disruption caused by your DS because you’re worried about him feeling unwelcome. How come you’re not worried about your DD feeling unwelcome? What if when your DD eventually moves out she chooses not to come round so often and you don’t get to see your GS much?

My son is autistic. This wouldn’t fly in my home - he’d be told to be considerate of other people and be quiet. But I’ve been teaching my son to manage his habits since childhood, it sounds like you just never bothered.

Your kid live independently, has a job, functions fine so he absolutely can learn to be quiet. Some people with autism could never learn, but your son can. You just haven’t bothered and you absolutely are playing favourites.

If you cannot be considerate of a baby sleeping and would rather cause your daughter extra hours of stress and sleep deprivation because you cannot be stricter with your son, then you are playing favourites.

He needs to shut up.

Lots of jobs don't require you to be quiet!

I think it's outrageous of DD to ask him not to come. I think it's reasonable to explain to him he really needs to try.

I know that not every job requires you to be queit... I more so meant that he can function in that he lives independently, has a job, is capable of travelling to work and to the OPs house etc. So he knows how to conduct himself.

I also agreed earlier that the DD cannot request he doesn't come.

I know how hard volume is for autistic kids, I have one, however you need to remind him every time. I'd say he can come round, stays at opposite end of house form baby and keeps his voice down. If he can't is say he should reduce his visits, surely? For a short while?

Sorry but ANYONE who doesn’t live at an address coming to see someone who DOES literally IS visiting. Therefore, they are a visitor

anyone coming into the house regardless of relationship or title needs to be considerate of those who may need quiet

any single parent having put in a shift with a little one all day - especially with the recent weather- will be counting down the seconds until bedtime some days because they’re exhausted themselves

someone steaming in on a regular basis not making any attempt or adjustments IS an inconsiderate prick and does need to be told to keep noise to a minimum, until the little one is spark out and in deep sleep.

Asking him to not come isn't a reasonable option. He is autistic and somehow manages, but it seems that coming to see mum is a part of his support network allowing him to manage.

Is there any way to make the baby's space more insulatwd/white noised/something else to make it easier?
If the baby wakes up from someone hlgoing through the front door, it can't be helped.

I think a bit of both, your grandson should be able to learn to sleep with a reasonable level of noise going on downstairs- tv, normal talking etc.
However sounds like your son is being inconsiderate and very loud, surely he can stop shouting? You say he’s autistic but also able to work so he can’t be shouting all day at work?
I would ask your DS to be quieter when he comes around to begin with and see how that works out

They're both being unreasonable. Your daughter can't dictate who you have in your house - especially when it's your own son - and will have to accept the circumstances of your home along with your help. Meanwhile, your son's attitude, "he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up" is unacceptable, autistic or not, and not a great way to conduct yourself in the world.

He manages to live under and work but can’t keep his voice down or not be “heavy handed” in the bathroom? He sounds AWFUL.

If there’s a way for him to be quieter, then yes, you are being very unreasonable.

You keep bleating on about ‘oh he’s autistic’ like that’s an excuse. He clearly works and lives independently so he is able to function in society. He can therefore perfectly well understand shut the fuck up.
My 9 year old nephew is severely autistic and will likely never live independently and even he understands he needs to shut up when his baby sibling is in bed

100% agree

my friend has a severely autistic child and has worked extremely hard to help them manage situations so that they don’t allow the autism to get in the way of their life and integration with others. This has meant deliberately challenging the OCD type tendencies to wanting things in places, same foods on same days of the week, eye contact, and what they say and how and when they say it.

we’re raising adults here, adults that will have to function without us one day. It’s the least we can do.

”oh he’s autistic, not much I can do” is failing him. Sorry, but it is.

My son who has an ASD diagnosis had terrible trouble sleeping when he was little. It was partly caused by anxiety. Being woken up in the way you are describing would put him into a horrible cycle of falling asleep and then waking becoming more and more anxious. Having an uncle with ASD massively increases the chances of your grandson also having it. If you will not ask your son to quieten down for your daughter, would you do it for your tiny grandson?

Both your ds and your dd need to be more considerate here. Your dd needs to get her ds to sleep more effectively - it really shouldn’t be taking more than an hour to settle a child. Your ds needs to try harder to keep quiet, albeit with frequent reminders. Unless he’s deliberately going out of his way to make as much noise as possible, it’s really unfair to expect him to creep around everywhere, the same as you shouldn’t be creeping to the loo either.

I presume your dd has asked several times for you and him to keep the noise down and has been met with :oh I cant ask ds that hes autistic" or she has heard that a lot in her life and has the snapped and said he can't come round.
Your dd cant ban people from your house but you and your ds need to be more considerate.