Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

See, if this was happening during the day during babies day naps, it would be more acceptable. But it’s not, it’s babies bed time. And he and mother both need their rest

it is for whatever reason, the mother and babies current home and the son is absolutely disrespectful of that fact

The fact that OP is absolutely putting her sons needs above everything else, her daughters sanity and rest, her grandson’s development is not on.

her daughter can’t and shouldn’t dictate to OP about visitors, but you’d think OP would set some boundaries for the sake of her developing grandchild.

Your post and some of your responses read very aggressively “YOU MUST, YOU CANNOT,” clearly you are not ok

Very immature response, do you have experience of pitting people against each other? it’s not about the daughter and baby taking more, the needs of a baby should take priority over a grown adult with free will

Your sentence doesn’t read very well what on earth does the first sentence of your last paragraph mean?

Listening to people like you makes me so thankful for my parents, they were and are amazing grandparents.

You sound awful, sorry

As long as they bow down to your ridiculous hierarchy

If you say so. They come with their mother's ( my daughters) so I don't see the " hierarchy" you are rambling on about.

Cone in the house, play while I chat to DD and go home Simple

That's ok. I really don't give a shit if I sound awful to you

It's not my daughter's living in my house and telling me what I gave to do

Would you all be so keen if your MILs moved in and told you who can visit?

It’s your house and while I can understand your daughter asking him to keep the noise down, suggesting he shouldn’t come is overstepping the mark by quite a long way.

@Thechaseison71 we have lived with my MIL and FIL when our daughter was a toddler. We were all respectful of each other and there were no problems. Would envisage that if they moved in our house, (if/when we had the space) it would be the same story

Its called respect. It is called consideration.

If I agreed to a relative or friend moving in my house with a small baby, I would do everything I could do to make sure they felt safe, secure and the house was comfortable and fit for their needs. And if that is ensuring any of my visitors don’t make it difficult for the mother and baby. It would be their house too if I opened my doors to them living there

pleaae sort out your keyboard your text is difficult to read due to the typos

But I bet you didn't tell your MIL who she could have to visit?

@Thechaseison71 - @wildorangetruck‘s dd is going through a tough time at the moment - housing problems that mean she’s had to move back in with her mum, and a baby who she really struggles to get to sleep - I’m sure she is stressed, exhausted and sleep deprived, and if the baby is woken up again when she’s spent ages getting them to sleep and now has it to do all over again, it must be the last straw for her.

I’m willing to bet she wouldn't have any issue with her brother coming over if it didn’t mean he was going to wake the baby up and she’d have to spend ages getting them to sleep all over again.

And I have a lot of sympathy for a stressed, exhausted young mum - don’t you?

If he’s not willing to change when he visits then he needs to learn to speak and laugh more quietly and be reprimanded for being loud. It’s rude! He is 24 and even with ASD he is not 5 years old.

I clarified earlier in the post that I thought DD was unreasonable to suggest OP shouldn’t have visitors. And no I didn’t tell MIL she couldn’t have visitors.

i didn’t need to raise any concerns about because either MIL told them that my daughter needed to rest, or the visitors realised this because they are also respectful. It’s not rocket science is it.

A baby can learn to sleep through those noises, esecually if the baby can get used to something white noisr nearby. I am a mother of 5 and never done the cry it out method, never stopped normal living noise as it sets tge situation up for disaster. If you keep puhing your son you will end up seeing less of one of your children. Last point, how was your son asked to be quieter as it sounds lile he is just digging his heels in after being challenged. My suggestion would be to empathise with him with a quiet chat and maybe he will be quieter without you damaging either relationship

I think perhaps everyone having a go at the son is forgetting these 2 are actually siblings. Have people met siblings? A lot of them are in constant competition with each other and don't like each other that much.

Going to make a lot of assumptions here, but having grown up with a brother somewhat further on the spectrum than NT people it could be very irritating and draining having a loud, confusing sibling needing many things his way all the time.

Home with mum and Dad was also the one place he could absolutely totally be himself where he knew he would always have unconditional love, where he could let out his worse habits and it be ok, he didn't have to tip toe around anyone or constantly think social situations through.

The brother in the case is possibly also pissed off that his sister got herself knocked up with no were to live (horrible way to put it, but thinking of it from how the brother might feel) and is now living rent free (possibly) with their mum and dictating how he spends his downtime because the silly baby can't go to sleep with a bit of noise.

There's probably loads of sibling rivalry going on here, the daughter is in a stressful time of her life, the son has constant stresses and the mother is caught up in the middle of it all.

They really do need to just sit down together, air everything out and work out a compromise and learn to put up with each others annoyances out of respect for their loving mother who is trying to keep the peace and everyone happy and safe.

Really don't get the nastiness on this thread.

I could understand if he was popping in every night but it’s 2 days a week.

Op already talks about creeping up her own stairs to go toilet.

That the front door merely being used sometimes wakes the baby.

Like a prisoner to a babies bed time with zero visitors or going out.

couldn’t even get a shop delivered after 7pm incase the door wakes the baby basically.

That’s no way for someone to be treated in her own house.

The daughter needs to suck up the 2 nights a week and for her own sanity as well try other things to help her child cope with normal household noise at bedtime.

I can’t imagine moving into my mums with my children and then dictating her visitors and holding her hostage to my child’s bedtime routine.

Wow, That’s a lot of creating your own narrative there

I think if you move into someone else's home , even moving back in with parents that you have to fit in with their routines/ lives. Not the other way round.

I think they should both compromise. She needs to realise you don’t have to stop visits in the week and just ask your son to keep it down.

He would have to be fairly lacking in soul, empathy or any maturity if at his big age he got angry with his sister getting pregnant and having to move in with mum and the ‘silly baby’ not being able to sleep through noise. What is he a toddler? Hes 24!

I'm just going by what the OP said about her son 'not seeing it as his problem' or whatever the wording was. And my own experience of annoying siblings!
Trying to see things from all potential sides. I could be utterly wrong about some things, I did say I've made a lot of assumptions!

I did say I'm making a lot of assumptions!

Just going from my own experience of have a ND annoying as hell brother, and having two children that don't often see eye to eye, and countless stories and examples and history making events due to siblings not getting on.

Just trying to look at things, imagine what might be going on from all sides, using my own points of reference rather than be really nasty about the son and mum as many posters have been.

Fair enough. You do know some people will read your post and take it as truth though don’t you?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, most of you know absolutely nothing about the different profiles of autism and you know nothing about the complexities of social communication and sensory processing. As someone who has extensive professional and personal lived experience in this area, this is a disgusting thread to read.

I think the op has been a little remiss in not teaching her kid to

I think in my house it maybe works out more balance because everyone f needs, so when there is a conflict of needs, there needs to fair compromise, instead of

If the DS has never been taught that other family members also have needs that matter (eg. Nephews need for sleep), then that's more on the op then the young man, but at 25 he does need to learn.

I think in my house it maybe works out more balance because everyone has needs, so when those needs conflict, someone has to compromise and there's not a default 'more able to compromis' sibling that it alway falls to. For us, the 'rule' is that one person's right to 'be themselves' dose not extend to harming someone else, and if you're the one causing harm, the onus is on you to change.

Eg. My DD would like to authenticly express her displeasure by hitting me when I ask her to brush her teeth, but I'm not ok with being hit, so she makes do by eye rolling and yelling "fine!" (The onus is on her to control her hands)

My DS would like to 'be himself' by climbing onto furniture and jumping down (movement sensory seeking), but the constant crashing disturbs the neighbours and was causing sensory overload for DD, so he needs to do his jumping on a trampoline or gym ball. (Ie. Onus on him to use quiet jumping outlet, not on DD to adapt to sound)

In the op's case, the son likes to be himself by shouting when talking (maybe auditory sensory seeking?) But this is causing physical harm and emotional distress to his sister and nephew, who's sleep is being disrupted. It makes sense to me that the son should be the one to change, because he is the one who is harming others.

While I don't think the op should restrict his visits, she does need to make him understand that he can't keep shouting while the baby is sleeping. If she allows him to keep harming the baby, it will be impossible for the daughter to remain living with her, and a doubt her relationship with the daughter would survive her choosing the sons wants over her/her babies physical needs.

That sums it up.

You and your son need to work harder on keeping his voice lower, but your daughter absolutely does not get to dictate when you see him.

It's mid summer and long days. Maybe you and he could go for a walk and chat some evenings?

If she allows him to keep harming the baby, it will be impossible for the daughter to remain living with her, and a doubt her relationship with the daughter would survive her choosing the sons wants over her/her babies physical needs

He is not harming the baby. The baby is being harmed by being taught not being able to sleep through routine noise. Yes, I’ve had kids, several, and that was our job as parents to teach them. The world does not become silent because a baby is going to sleep. That’s a very ‘first baby’ thing. Once you have noisy kids and toddler siblings in the house, it’s essential babies know they need to sleep with household noise, both typical and unexpected. Toddlers don’t not have noisy tantrums because baby siblings are going to sleep/are asleep🤣.