To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

Her youngest has AuDHD. Recently diagnosed. Idk what the issues for her, which led to seeking diagnosis, but they will have affected op and her parenting considerably, the amount of support she needs to give her dd and input into her life.

Oops quoted the wrong post somehow. See comment above.

I have 2 DDs and the worse worry was when they gave birth to their own children

Don't be rude @SabrinaThwaite

Oh sorry. Maybe I should have just offered bonus points for being smug?

Have respect and faith in them and give them privacy. Tracking 40 year old children on phones, what the actual fuck. Does no one have any hobbies?

How do you feel about friends tracking each other on Snapchat - is that incredibly intrusive?

Yes.

You could at least say why.

Would you try to convince your adult children not to allow their friends to track them or would you see that as none of your business?

I’d make sure they know that they shouldn’t feel pressured to allow their friends to track them if they don’t want to. Otherwise there wouldn’t be much I could do, as they are adults.

Interesting where the lines are - my adult dcs would think me informing them that they shouldn't feel pressured to allow their friends to track them would be overstepping into "none of your business - I'm an adult" territory.😂

If you’d read the full thread you’d know why.

Well I've read the full thread @SabrinaThwaite and think you're being rude.

Surely it's better if you put it in words, then we can discuss it.

If it was mentioned to me -depending on how it came across when they did so ie context - I'd assume something about it was worrying them and reassuring them it's fine to not be tracked if they don't want to.

If not like coercive control and abusive relationship aren't know for starting with excessive mointoring and controlling where the victim is going. I'd do same for other family members friends and collegues gently point out it's fine not to want to be mointored.

I'm not washing my hand of all involvement when they hit 18 nor am I tracking them.

That's not to say I can't think of situation where phone tracking can be useful - house moves or meet up - but routinely I think that goes into problematic behavior - just because tech allows it doesn't mean we always should. One of DD2 friends has parents who track her - though she rarely ventures far from home or college - she does it back and questions them on where they've been - having had parents who were very controlling I'd really struggle with that dynamic.

If adult kids are traveling remotely or giving birth or doing anything more high risk than average of course parents will worry more. OP has a couple of extrenal stressors but seems sensible to me. However joyfully telling her it always going to be like this is I think unhelpful. It will get better and it may then get worse again but it won't stay as stressful - this is just a bad patch and it will improve eventually.

I agree it fine not to want to be monitored but is it also fine not to be bothered about it?

Why are you so desperate to normalising tracking other adults?

If I or my kids choose if for a short term reason hardly worrying.

Routine tracking I do think it problematic -- I think it can fan anxiety which some posters seem to think may be happening to OP though I'm not so sure. It can also normalisies behavior that often a precursor to stalking or control. Though again it depends on circustances - though I think where it's helpful it a lot rare than many MN posters want to admit.

If my teen or young had a partner or anyone tracking and constantly questioning them about location I'd be worried and I think most parents would be.

I have been struck though how defensive many posters are about tracking their adult kids and how willling many young adults are to go along with it. But then I didn't realised how bad a lot of my parents behavior was till much later - and married a man with similar background - things our parents would have flipped out at if their own parents had tried they couldn't see issues with when it was them doing it to us.

I think it's worth considereing why the tracking being done - if it's about control I don't think that's healthy - if there's an actual decent reason and everyone happy well there's no issue. I don't think any of that view is revolutionary TBH - the few families I know who do it and it's very few it's seem more done without much thought put into it.

I’m interested in your views because you come across as feeling very strongly about this. Don’t worry - there’s no conspiracy - I don’t work for Snapchat or Life360 and I’m not a stalker - so we’re all good!😌

I don’t think there’s anything to discuss. You have a particular view that I found quite dismissive. I responded in kind.

I grew up with controlling parents who didn't trust us checked up on us constantly and often questioning us like they didn't believe us.

Of course I'm more prone to see that pattern of behavior than others and find it very odd that tracking of adults is being so widely normalized as I can see the downsides.

I also have kids two at uni and one just under that age who is out and about under their own steam - and worry this normalisation despite us not doing it could potentially impact them.

That must have been difficult - mine were more the don’t really care what you do - that didn’t feel too good either. Extremes are never good. But you can’t hold yourself responsible for your kids choices - you can’t think that modelling perfect parents will chuck out kids who make perfect decisions- they have to learn by their own mistakes and allowing them the freedom to make mistakes is what’s really missing in modern parenting.

I'm a great believer in thinking that if two consenting adults choose to do something they are both happy with, then it isn't any of my business BUT, if it were a thing that came into a conversation with any of my dc, I would ask them why? I would like to be reassured they'd thought about it and made a conscious choice to allow it for certain times, for what were (for them) good reasons and that it wasn't something they thought was just 'normal' and particularly that it weren't part of a coercive relationship.

Well I wouldn’t be ‘informing’ them as such, it would just be a conversation in which I gave an opinion. Surely your adult DC don’t mind you having opinions? My children certainly don’t always agree with mine, but they don’t mind me having them and voicing them.

Having a personal opinion is fine - having an opinion about how they live their lives and expressing it - now that is going to be controversial and from what I know on here and through my friends, adult DCs do not appreciate their parents opining on their lives. Are your kids really happy about you interfering in this way?