To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

You are obviously being unreasonable, OP - a 24 year old doesn't need to be in contact every few hours! Some of it is the curse of mobile phones and social media, because they create expectation of constant contact - back in the day, a 24 year old off travelling would send one postcard per month, and that was perfectly fine. Try to channel some of the spirit of the 1980s!
But when I see how much some of my friends fuss over their competent adult offspring, it just makes me even more relieved to be childfree.

Life 360 is another modern day curse, and does nothing except make parents anxious. Switch it off, people, because you absolutely don't need it, and it infantilises your young people.

@Mummyoflittledragon I hope so! Dd1 and dd2 are early 30s, married with dc and ds has also graduated and has a permanent job so they are off my hands. Dd3 is also not doing the course she wanted as she has decided that university is too close as its about 1 and a half hours away. She also has an offer for a university close to where ds and dd1 live but apparently that was a too low offer. I don't think any of her friends are going there but a boy she likes in the year below is apparently thinking of going there! She is quite resilient and a friend of mine lives about 20 miles away in an emergency. It is a worry but she has to grow up sometime.

Interestingly 80% of people dont think its obvious at all. Also interestingly you dont have children. There was no suggestion whatsoever that I expect contact every few hours. Nor do I use life360. But you do you ....obviously.

No, I'm not a parent, but I have been an adult child and I can confidently say that the more a parent fusses, or expects a message or "check in", then the more likely I'd be to push back and just stop getting in touch at all.
I remember going to university in the Stone Age and being told that I had to send a letter home once a week - I bitterly resented it, and only did it because I was financially dependent. So it's just about being aware of potential consequences.....

Totally. Unless you know they're not coping, it's better for everyone if you can't see what they're up to. It's draining for them too if they're trying to work round your anxiety (saying this as a very anxious mum who always thought DS must have collapsed in a ditch on his way home on nights out, before he left for uni).

Have you heard from her OP?

All parents are not like yours. I remember people like you at Uni who bitterly resented calling their parents, they were always too cool or clever to want to speak to parents <eye roll>. Most of us enjoyed the weekly chat we had with our parents - even if it was in a freezing cold phone box. It sounds like your parents abused you emotionally and financially but it's not the way the majority of parents behave. Maybe you need to get some therapy or check out the Stately Homes thread in relationships - you seem to be carrying a lot of issues.

I empathize with you op. I have found navigating being a parent of young adult DC the trickiest phase. It was so much easier to be a relaxed parent when the stakes were so much lower.

My NT kids (compared to my autistic children) have lived and studied in different cities, travelled widely, clubbed and attended festivals from 16. There were times where my anxiety felt unbearable to me but I never tried to deter them from doing anything they wanted to do as long as it was age appropriate, they'd done their own research and thought through possible issues - transport, contingency and exit strategies etc.

The most they ever knew about my excessive worry was that 'mum likes fairly regular texts so she knows we're still alive'. But importantly, if they ever forgot I was never angry with them or caused a fuss - I didn't want them to burdened by my worry - I just wanted them to see keeping in touch as part of being a responsible adult doing adult stuff.

The other thing I'd say is we all have different levels of tolerance for risk and as parents we all have different childhoods, personal experiences, dispositions, levels of empathy etc and this is bound to affect how we deal with the uncertainties that come with parenting young adults so don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

I also get a bit fed up with people who are naturally very relaxed/non worriers who dress up their detachment from their kid's lives as a deliberate strategy to promote independence rather than just their own natural inclination to be hands off for an easier life. Even worse when being laid back is framed as some kind of virtue. Sometimes it is, but it can also be a result of a lack of imagination and a rose-tinted belief that nothing bad will ever happen because you were fine at their age. It can also be laziness/ selfishness framed as healthy boundaries - many people seem highly relieved to have got their kid to 18 and consider their job done...

See I am an anxious person and was an anxious parent yet haven't felt like this.

It's not that I've suddenly stopped loving or caring about them - I'm at the end of the phone if needed they are still at University so in a supportive place and they spent sixth from at regional college rather than in school sixth form and it feels like the independence has slowly built up. I'm not suddenly detached or not interested in their lives - I just know they can cope and if they can't they will ask for help from us or others.

I'm also getting menopausal anxiety but it's not focused on the kids. Having said that if they were traveling abroad I think I'd be worried TBH - it's okay round UK and trip to friends in Europe didn't phase me but longer and less well know area I'd be worried - but they haven't done that yet.

The no control over what they do - is odd one for me as I had very controlling parents - so it was always more of a discussion in later teen years with our kids - and frankly it can be now just with decreased influence.

I think MN is terrible for nomralising infantilizing young adults and making out anxious behavior is normal but I can see why you are worried and you're aware enough to know it's not reasonable to act on it.

Personally we don't have any tracking software - so no idea what they are up to unless they tell us - and I do feel that is healthier for all of us.

So I think it should get better - or more likely it will go in phases on worry and less worry.

I understand the change of routine concern, but I still think that this level of daily checking up on children who are fully-fledged adults is not normal behaviour. At some point both sides have to manage to let go a bit and develop more independence. It’s a negative development in modern times.

Did you forget that you posted this earlier this morning? 😂

I don’t think you’ve even scratched the surface yet of things to worry about. I used to think everything would settle down when they were grown up but it doesn’t, and you’re right, it’s worse when you have no control over what they do. Imagine getting a phone call from your son on a gap year in Africa who says he’s been offered a lift by plane to see a neighbouring country. I didn’t think to check before he rang off that he had also secured a lift back - he hadn’t.
I’m afraid you have to let them go. They cannot organise their lives to minimise your worrying.

Bore off.

We all do. It never ends.

Surely we need to be allowed the space to admit we worry, on an anonymous forum but it certainly doesn’t mean we expect our DCs to organise their lives around our worries - I see the two situations as very different.

If you are looking people who have adult dc, then that's me.
Mine are all in their 20s (so obviously have been 19).

I think the OP (and several other on this thread) are being completely ridiculous to track their dc and feed in to their tendency to over worry.

It really doesn't disqualify you from contributing to the conversation because your own dc aren't 19. Some of us remember being that age. Some of us know other people, not just our dc.

The OP is talking about wanting to message her dd who is out with her friends in the pub, and her other dd, simply because she hasn't seen a SM post from her for 12 hours ? Nobody can seriously think either of those are normal, or healthy.

Your OP literally said

DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.

ie you are "thinking all sorts" because you haven't heard from her in 12 hours.

Quite.

I don't think any normal parent never worries about their dc. But that isn't really what this thread is about - a normal level of worry. This seems to be about extreme levels of worry, and (not from the OP, but from other posters), the incredibly intrusive use of tracking devices.

That's very strange, I didn't post it twice... I was out since morning, must be a glitch 🤷🏼‍♀️😊

Interestingly 80% of people dont think its obvious at all

Which rather proves the point made by @AprilMizzel that "MN is terrible for nomralising infantilizing young adults and making out anxious behavior is normal."

And did they have mh issues? How many nights did you spend in a&e with them. How many court cases did you have to go to? How many police interviews did you have to attend. How many times did you get 3am phonecalls from them being hysterical and in danger? Some parents rightly worry significantly more about their child then others do. Not everything is as straightforward as you think it is.

I suspect, if that were the case with the OP's dds, then she would probably have mentioned it.

Exactly. I ‘only’ have the first on that list to contend with. But I have other things, some of which I have detailed and others I don’t wish to discuss on an open forum.

It is good your dd is resiliant. And she’s seen her sibilings go through it and will hopefully contact them for advice. But what I can’t get my head round is not wanting to be far. Dd was the same about a university, that is almost 1.5 hours away by public transport, 1 by car. Fingers crossed for you.