To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

💕 my teen opted out of sharing location which is fine. I’d just be driven nuts tracking.i also find it a bit intrusive. It’s funny the things that worry us and those that don’t. Out with all his mates today and partying tonight & not worried. But they all go way back. Travelling on his own late totally freaks me out

OP, you are totally normal.
Its a mother thing.
My husband is so chill about ghe children, he doesn't worry at all.
I do.
Their safety is my number one worry.
I travelled all over the world in mh 20's and 30's and was very security conscious.
It's a different world and they are so precious to us.
I worried about my boys but now my girls are now out and about it is another level.
It is exhausting.
The price of loving them so much.

In the last few years several young adult friends of my children have died quite suddenly, and the sheer grief and fallout has been so heartbreaking,

I think it has heightened the fragility of life, even in the very young for me.
They are so precious to us.

This is very true. Mine are 46 and 43. Im unhappy most of the time.

In the last few years several young adult friends of my children have died quite suddenly

That's awful but very unusual.

Agree completely. I'm a mum to two lads (21 and 18). It's always a worry. My eldest one is out today and I'm worried

I think I can name quite a few young people (at least 10, 3 of the deaths were my first cousins who lost their lives through farm accidents, suicide and sudden illness, that’s not where it ends - my sister lost her boyfriend when she was 16, one of my school friends lost her dd, she was hit by a car when crossing a road when she was abroad, my brothers friend died after driving home drunk, had an accident - went off the road - and wasn’t found for a few days, sadly there’s more but they were the closest to me - it’s not that unusual in my life.

My brother died aged 27 in a car accident. There’s nothing my parents could have done to prevent that though. Tracking him, being in contact every 12 hours etc wouldn’t have stopped that accident from happening.

I totally sympathise with you. I have a ds(27) still living at home. When he goes out and it gets to 3.00am I start really worrying until he gets home. My dh sleeps soundly while im pacing the floor. I know its unreasonable but I feel massively relieved when I hear the front door closing and I know hes home.

Totally agree - I can’t understand people that don’t worry like this - my mother in law openly says she never worried - I think that’s odd.

I can’t say how I’d feel as my kids are little still but I was raised with a LOT of freedom. In university, I would call my mum every few weeks max. When on holiday with friends or my boyfriend we’d not message each other at all.

I do remember feeling a bit gutted that we didn’t feel close at the time but equally we were all busy living life, studying and working etc. Now I have kids and we live around the corner, I see my parents multiple times a week.

I was very independent and didn’t want to check in regularly, I can’t imagine many 24year olds wanting to. Because of my upbringing, I find watching your adult children on 360 or checking in every 24 hours too much, it’s suffocating. Maybe I’ll feel different when my kids are older but I’m not so sure as both myself and husband have had more hands off parenting.

I am with you here. I am sure you have done a great job bringing them up to be independent, capable young adults and you need to trust them. You are worrying about things that haven't happened and might never happen that you can't control.

Is there anything you can do to reduce the level of worry? This should be the time you sit back and admire them, perhaps enjoying some time to do things you want to do and you are spending it worrying about things you can't control, fix or prevent. All you can do is trust them and be there if they need you but when would this end?

Might it be possible for you to decide not to worry about things that haven't happened yet? Catastrophisisng what might happen will make this limitless.

He’s a grown man though, old enough to have a wife, kids, a house. Although he lives at home, he should still get to experience freedom and independence - as should you.

I think it’s probably normal to feel anxious about when he’ll be rolling in, but pacing the floor seems extreme. It’s important, to raise a good man, to give him independence. Do you still do all his cooking and laundry? I think the current generation of early adults at home isn’t helping prepare them for adult life, it’s a side effect of the cost of living and poor job market.

Im aware hes a grown man and no I don't do his cooking and washing. He does experience freedom and independence, he works, drives a car and lives the normal life of a 27 year old.This was more a general sympathising with the op about still worrying about grownup dc. I don't track him or project my worries onto him. Maybe " pacing the floor" was a bit of an extreme statement meant to illustrate as a mother you will always worry about your kids no matter how old they are!:

Haha do things I want to do??
Im not some ancient retired 80yr old. Im 54yr old healthy adult who has a responsible job, works about 50/60 hours a week, walks the dog, exercises and sees friends. I dont have a spare hour but I'll keep that in mind for when I retire in 10years or so.

I think people are misunderstanding SoMe use and location settings. I dont think anyone is "tracking" their grown children. We can see them on various apps. I can assure you im not sat here obsessively tracking her location.

My husband is 53 and you know what his old mother told me: promise me you will be always looking after him....

I'm going against the grain too. I never really worried about my dds and I have nothing to worry about now they're adults. They're both super sensible so what good would worrying do? Dd1 travelled around Asia recently. We messaged/spoke every day & she even did a motorbike safari trip for 5 days. Obviously if I didn't hear from her after a day or 2 I'd have started to worry

But when you’re panicking that they haven’t posted anything on SM for 12 hours and are waiting for them to wake up on the other side of the world so they can text you and tell you they’re ok, it sure sounds pretty obsessive.

I hadn't heard from her and she hadn't posted anything for 24hrs. Very out of character for her. Does that meet your criteria?

There was about 10 years I didn't feel I needed to worry about dd1 and dd2 but abnormal cervical cells, ectopic pregnancy, placental abruption etc have meant me being very anxious. Then ds ending up in ICU with sepsis 2 summers ago didn't help. Thankfully he was home from university when he took bad - I dread to think what would have happened if he been at university or living in digs. Now the youngest is going to university 6 hours away (she has audhd) in September! No wonder we get grey hairs!

You’re quite rude when someone was making reasonable suggestions - just carry on fretting and worrying then 🤷‍♀️

I could break out in a cold sweat at the thought of my 11 year old dd in the future driving and going for drunken nights out in the city

It wasn't rude it was sarcastic as was the post somehow implying I needed to be busy to stop worrying. Was pointing out that definitely wasn't the issue and most parents of young adults will still be busy productive members of society

I'm busy but still worry. The world is a scary place.
The more you love the more you hurt. I envy sociopaths sometimes. Imagine not giving a f*? Although nah I'd rather care. It's hard though.