To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

Mine are 18 and 21. I can’t imagine I will ever stop worrying about them, it’s in my nature as a person and as a mum.

Definitely more of a worry. Im 40 and my mum calls me at least 3 times per day to check im ok. I have young kids and a 21 year old and I absolutely worry about him more. Its not him, its other people I worry about. I dont think it ever gets easier. I imagine it will be even worse if I get grandchildren.

Not really as you admit your worrying/anxiety is over the top

3 times per day is insane. Do you even have time to answer that often? What does she think is going to happen to you in between calls?
I see/speak to my mum twice a week and that feels more than plenty.

I dont answer everytime, no. She phones under the guise of how are you, what you doing. During her work breaks and after 8pm when shes on her way home. Its fine and I dont mind because I dont always answer because im busy. Its normally a quick 2 minute chat.

But is it really in our nature as mothers when childrenare adults? I'd say there is a hefty dose of culture and conditioning laying it on women to put themselves last. It's subtle, but powerful and has rammed up recently with intensive parenting.

We must be better, more loving mothers than the average woman if we worry our heads off, right? One of the original 'be kinds.'

And maybe a lot of the mothers who are worrying excessively are codependent with their children. Sometimes when reading mumsnet, I feel codependency is encouraged as proof of love.

This is absolutely the sweet spot. Mine are mid teens and while I still have some control I’m dreading them driving, travelling, going to parties etc. I really miss the primary school days 🥹

I have driving anxiety now which HRT has helped me manage a bit. ie night driving (rubbish night vision) or driving to new places esp with passengers ie friends. Or asking my DH to slow down all the time on motorways as I could visualise a huge crash where we both die etc. Anxiety in peri M is a real symptom. I worry about my DS 18 driving my car. Less so about DD22 as she's more sensible & away at Uni so I've got used to her being absent. She doesn't have a car atm so less to worry about there too.

Mine is almost 18 and she has no concept of her lack of capabilities to look after herself, feed herself, go shopping. And won’t listen to anything I say. And highly vulnerable. She wants to go to university in September and thinks she is capable of looking after herself. She has ED and is a big risk taker. I had to get her to eat to literally save her life 2 years ago. Dd has A levels at the moment and booked to go on holiday with 2 friends abroad to a party location. One of whom also has ED

Your worrying is completely understandable. Most of us are talking about NT children. I'd feel completely differently if my child had an eating disorder.

Excellent post @Brokenandbewildered The evidence is on this thread: I am a good mother because I worry; I worry because I am a good mother.

Btw hope you're not really broken and bewildered.

Not every teen will accept to learn those tools. And sending them into the world without them is unthinkable to most parents. It’s not necessarily about worrying about them for me per se, it’s going to be about not knowing if my dd is coping even at a basic level and one, that most parents take for granted. And more contact than would be seen as normal will make a difference (if dd allows it), because I could be on hand to teach those tools slowly.

I'm with you OP. My two sons are notoriously bad at texting. One is travelling and was in Egypt and I'd not heard from him for a bit. So I made the mistake of looking on Life360 and saw he was in the Red Sea! and then the next day in a desert. He finally answered my check in to say he'd been diving looking for sharks! and some star gazing thing in the desert.
I'm glad he's living his best life but it is not easy on Mums!

Thank you. There are bonus points if you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, no matter their age...

I'm no longer broken and bewildered, so time to change my user name.

Gosh, as an adult child some of this thread makes me feel so uncomfortable, but I guess if you’ve grown up using something like life360 it might be more normal for adults who are younger than me? It’s fascinating how quickly technology has normalised this level of surveillance, eg. I cannot imagine my mum calling me to find out why I wasn’t at home in the wee hours and I was actually hooking up with someone. I find that absolutely wild. And more to the point, it would simply never have happened while I was a student because it wasn’t technologically possible for this to happen.

And a gold star if you have your children's name as a tattoo. That will take them far in life!

Seriously I rarely unduly worry about my kids. I have no need to. They're level headed, sensible kids who take appropriate risks in life & learn from them. Worrying won't help anyone

I know, imagine going back to a man’s house when you’re away at uni knowing your mum is tracking you and thinking ‘while is she at this random address at 3am?’ and texting to check if you’re ok!

Worrying isn't rational though. Of course we know worrying won't change anything but we don't choose to worry. It happens
As I have got older I have become more of a worrier because I have experienced more negative things. When I was 20 I was very carefree and didn't worry at all. Since then people I loved who were very close to me have died either very suddenly in an accident, through an undiagnosed illness and through not recovering from.an operation.
Which means I can't help worrying about my adult children. I wish I didn't

Everyone must live that part of their lives. We all did. But we never know how hard it was for our mums! Mine didn’t say anything when I moved to Paris, aged 19. But she was glad when I came home! (then I went to London)

When my daughter was pregnant I worried about her (for various reasons) especially when she went into labour and there were complications. I worried even more for each subsequent pregnancy.
It was at that point that I realised how hard it must have been for my mum. I was very blase about my pregnancies. My poor mum was up all night waiting for news when I was in labour and I thought nothing of it.
I do remember her in later life though saying it doesn't matter how old your child are you never stop worrying about them. At the time I didn't appreciate what she was staying. Now I do!