To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

DD is 22 and I feel you, OP! The worries become so much more complex as they get older, the worst part is there’s rarely much you can do to fix them. Finances, career, uni, housing - it never stops.

We swap one set of sleepless nights for another

Why are people saying "I feel you?" It's an odd expression.

You need to believe in your adult dc!

Spot on! Tracking adult DC is unhealthy and mithering them to text to prove they're alive is a burden for them. Release them into the chaos of the universe and get on with your own life!

Mine are 33 and 31 and I worry more then I ever did when they were little , so no it doesn’t stop .. I have boys so the teenager years and early 20s I was anxious every time they went out .

Yep, I worry about my two, 24 & 23, toddlers are a breeze, compared with the worry adult children bring.

Mine are 31 and 33.
I question myself about being intrusive by wanting to know they are safe.
Hmmmm different world to the one I knew.

@PhyllisTwigg
That's how you feel.
Not particularly helpful though as we're not discussing you.

It’s a perfectly normal expression for those that are familiar with empathy.. you may lack it!

That's how you feel. Not particularly helpful though as we're not discussing you.

I thought we were discussing how we all feel about worrying about our adult DC. That's how a chat forum works.

It’s a perfectly normal expression for those that are familiar with empathy.. you may lack it!

No.
If you want to show empathy, it should be "I feel for you" or "I know how you're feeing."

I feel you is just ... weird.

My worrying comes and goes, dh worries too - it’s not about faith in our DCs it about lack of faith in the rest of the world. Other drivers - bad actors - not my DCs being incapable.

And yes to worrying about dh and I dying together in a plane or car crash and the impact it would have on them.

Dh’s mum worries about him (but only when we are driving from her house to our home) It’s perfectly normal but you shouldn’t allow it to interfere with your kids lives - occasionally mil has worried about our dc being out when we were all staying at her’s for a weekend - she’d try to insist they came home early because she was worried - I always pushed back, her worry was her problem - not my dcs!.

This sums it up really!
I’ve had more sleepless nights since they’ve gone to University, than ever before.
Following their location at 3am then fretting if they are not at home.
They are good DC , responsible and sensible(ish).
DS is perhaps too adventurous for my peace of mind. I love his zest for life, but I know he’ll try anything .. he’s not aware of dangers.
I keep on sending him links to read the horror stories (as a warning) of what happens if you have too much alcohol, the dangers of vaping/drugs/travelling alone …
oh my. I’m going demented!!

@AmethystDeceiver
My youngest DD20 AuDHD too & I feel so much for her because she has no friends to speak of and has struggled through, has a job at the moment wants to go back to college but she's feeling anxious.
I don't do the whole tracking thing with any of them - try to let go. You just want to fix things but have to let things be, but that doesn't mean the mental anguish isn't there. Hardly slept last night because of it.

My 80 year old Mil is still worrying about my 53 year old dh when he's travelling (sales) so I think it never ends. I have actively decided not to worry- if my dc (teen) goes somewhere I visualise them having fun and being OK and I stick to that. Maybe hard for some but it works for me.

Absolutely this - my 3 are 25, 20 and 19 and the stress and worry is so much more real now than it ever was when they were kids.

Totally agree! I worry constantly and absolutely hate it. My youngest DS has just passed his driving test and although obviously i was pleased for him this also feels like just new fear unlocked!

I love my sons, but now they are all grown up I don't worry obsessively. When one son lived in London for 10 years, I would speak to him about once a week and that was fine.
They are living their own lives and I don't track them .

No I'm afraid it isn't!! 😬 mine are late 30s and married with a family of their own...I still worry!

Absolutely. We are going through a difficult time with our 30 year old ds; this is far worse than all his childhood issues put together. He’s back living with us and I do think it’s easier to worry when they are under your roof. When he lived away I didn’t know if he wasn’t home at 3.00am!

All three of mine are currently single; I found it easier to relax about their welfare when they had partners as there was someone else who also had their back looking out for them too.

I understand.

These are the bits the NCT classes djdnt prepare you for!

I have a 22yr old at University and my 20yr old just passed her driving test (a whole new level of anxiety!)

X

DS staying with relatives whilst studying during the week at college has helped me not worry about him, because he isn't living here with us. It's when they are coming back home the worry increases. Eldest is now 19yo.

It’s about having faith in your parenting abilities, to have raised fully functioning adults who are able to handle tough situations and ask for help if they need it. I felt much better when mine turned 18 because they were now legally allowed to be wherever they wanted to go. They live in a world of CCTV and constant connectivity. There is a big safety net around them.

Hope this helps you see a different approach and that you can detach a bit.

Thanks all (most) for feeling me 😂I do feel like im going crazy sometimes. I was never this anxious about them.
For clarity...I dont track them or follow them or message obsessively. I dont tell them my fears. I try and be my usual blase self.
We use snap/WhatsApp to communicate. We have family groups with younger cousins. My DD1 usually posts avidly on SoMe. So I can usually see where they are/when they are active. I dont think SoMe helps really. When I was younger and travelling there were no mobiles or Internet so I rung my DM when I could.
I had a largely sleepless night. DD2 got home happily drunk about 2am. Had fun was sensible and got an uber home and came upstairs with a sick bowl.
DD1 messaged about 5am (afternoon for her) and nornal sunny message. (My brain had her sex trafficked/drowned/overdosed/hurt and figuring out how to go look for her...bonkers).
I am glad rhey are grown independent women living their lives but sometimes I miss those little girls i took to soft play/for a walk and put to bed

I was only thinking a few days ago how my favourite time was when my kids were too young to be out at night. Every night they were tucked up in bed and I could sleep soundly. Once they hit that going out age my anxiety hit the roof. Even now when my son comes home from uni I am so happy but then he says he’s going out with his old school friends and my stomach drops because I’m back to not being able to sleep till he’s back home.

The worst for me is because I’m a single mother and live alone I have no one to bring me back down when I’m worried because he’s not back when he said he would be. I know my worry is extreme but the world is not a good place, there are too many unregulated weirdos about. I worry a little bit less with my other son as he lives with his gf and is too broke to go gallivanting.

Long time single parent too its pretty much always been me and them. No one to share my unhinged fears with doesn't help I agree.