To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

[BurnoutGP]

I was never an anxious parent. But now I think a combination of menopausal anxiety and no control over what they do, I worry constantly and think the worst possible outcomes. Both are lovely capable mostly responsible girls.
DD1 is 24 and travelling. I worry about her constantly. Haven't heard from her for 12hrs/she hasn't posted on SoMe and my brain worm is thinking all sorts. She's 6hrs ahead so is obviously asleep.
DD2 is 18 and out for a friend's birthday. Now in the pub and am having to sit on my hands not to message her.
This is never going to stop is it ?

There's a HUGE difference between 'never worrying about anything' and the obsessive levels that the OP and some other posters have talked about on here though.

Some people are though, as you see on here regularly.

I don't think we mean sitting there with the tracker in your hand 24/7, but the fact that any parent is looking where their adult child is on a regular basis is just too much.
My dd has asked her brother to have her location on his phone as she knows he's just not interested to look. But if her phone was lost or stolen, he might be able to help. Nobody in our family is interested in where a young adult is at midnight, a couple of hundred miles from home. It is their life. That level of prying is just odd.

I get worrying about the 18 year old who has only just become an adult, but worrying about a 24 year old adult when they haven't been in touch for a day is a tad bit excessive. My 21 year old studies in the US and I often don't get a message for 4-5 days which is entirely normal. Modern communication methods have created a lot of anxiety. Back in the 1990s a weekly brief phone call home was the norm.

Its not about the length of time its about whats the norm for that person. If either of my 2 eldest hadn't been on social media at all in 24hr id be concerned as its completely out of character. Just like if someone calls their mum every Saturday at 6pm without fail and then suddenly didn't.

I think modern parents are nuts. The worrying about adult children and anxiety about every little thing must drive their children crazy. This isn’t normal behaviour it’s neurotic toxic behaviour. Children grow up and become adults who handle themselves. Get a grip and do something else with your life.

People can’t cope with life’s basics anymore let alone anything truly challenging

My children are similar ages to yours OP and I have always worried. My partner never worried when they were younger, but he’s worse than me now they’re older, especially when they’re on holiday with friends.

We just let them know that they can tell us anything, if they call needing help, regardless of what’s happened, we will be there etc. Other than that you just have to hope that all the input you have given them pays off, they make good choices, hope that the world is kind to them and be there when things aren’t going so well.

We have actually had the conversation with our kids about parents worrying and they understand. They know they get what is now known as ‘the lecture’ 😂 before every holiday, when they go to festivals etc about staying safe. They’re both really good at keeping in touch. My son always messages me before and after he takes a flight and sends a few texts/photos when he’s on holiday. My daughter was out somewhere recently where there was an incident and she text me before it even made the news to say that she’s safe and they had got an uber back to their friend’s house.

I think good parents always worry, you just have to keep perspective. Most people go through life just fine.

But is worrying going to stop this? The amount you worry is not going to stop life happening unfortunately.
I think the obsessive texting and tracking would made me want to shake my parents off if they had done that to me. Tracking me through the night - they would have had a shock lol!
Why do people expect their adult children not to have a life of their own when they had the freedom to live their life? Your daughter was having a lovely time with that new boy and so she should!
I have younger kids but there is no way I’m going to invade their privacy as an adult. It’s not fair and you’re not going to stop bad things from happening - you might just push them away.

As the saying goes
When they are little your arms ache and when they have grown up you heart aches.

Never say never…..

Yes but you are not going to stop it is my point but you will ruin the interactions you have with your adult children. None of us know what’s round the corner and I choose to be positive.

Come back to us when you have a teenager/ young adult and you see what kind of decisions they make and then tell us if you still feel the same. You think of 18 year olds to be grown up and mature until you have one and realise how young 18 actually is. My eldest is 19 and from the outside she seems like she has her shit together she has a full time job is in the process of buying her first house, completely capable of cooking and cleaning etc, drives a car but underneath that she's emotionally immature, very impulsive, thinks she's invincible, doesn't understand the consequences of her actions, doesn't see dangers, is easily led and has very little common sense.

@youalright yes and I’m not saying you can’t support your children, guide them etc but tracking them and interfering with their day is not going to stop bad things from happening is my point. It would have made me run a mile from my parents! You have to contain the worry.
I say this as a person who works with people with brain injury - the worst things that can possibly happen. Believe me, I’ve had to work through some anxious thoughts but with therapy, I’ve been able to live a happy life and contain them so they don’t impact on my children.

I think I worried more when they started being more independent. About 14. Was worse about my 1st as he was a more difficult child anyway. Not so much with the younger ones. It stopped once they hit about 20. Of course we always are concerned and interested in their welfare. My son's have traveled overseas and I don't recall being overly anxious. It could be hormonal but I think if I had a daughter maybe I would feel different.

I’m in my 30s and still message my parents when I get home from a night out or landed after a flight.
i have kids/husband/own house but my parents still love/care/worry

My eldest was like that. Can't believe how easy my younger 2 have been compared to him. They do mature and he does seem to have a natural resilience which a lot of young people don't seem to have.

Oh yes I totally relate to this. I've got 2 adult DC who have left home and a 7 year old. I spend far more time worrying about the 2 adults. The oldest is married and settled but there are still problems and worries, and I know she's not happy at the moment. The younger is a workaholic and drinks too much. I actually told them last weekend that I was worried about them both and they could always come to me if they needed to. I'm lucky that they only live about an hour away and actually live together which makes things a bit easier. Peri has really ramped up my constant anxiety and dread and I'm really trying to work on it and accept that I can't control things, only support them as needed.

I do actually agree with this. I've recognised my anxiety can be OTT and I certainly wouldn't track my kids, never have. Life will happen regardless. It's not easy though.

I think that's very common. Parents with tiny babies that that's the most difficult stage but for me it wasn't. Looking back that was the easiest.
The worry and anxiety gets progressively worse as they grow up and you have less control.
Being a parent is a life long job

Yanbu. The baby and toddler years are simpler as you have control of their safety....the worry gets worse....

maybe you can try to stop yourself worrying? I have no way of tracking my 20 y o- only texts. Don’t know his social media accounts. It makes I don’t worry as much - as he says, if something bad happens, you’ll know.

Im hoping my younger ones will be easier she's always been my hardest child and the one I've worried about the most my other children have very different personality types and are a lot less chaotic.

Yes, that’s all well and good when they play ball. What if they don’t?!

Mine is almost 18 and she has no concept of her lack of capabilities to look after herself, feed herself, go shopping. And won’t listen to anything I say. And highly vulnerable. She wants to go to university in September and thinks she is capable of looking after herself. She has ED and is a big risk taker. I had to get her to eat to literally save her life 2 years ago.

Dd has A levels at the moment and booked to go on holiday with 2 friends abroad to a party location. One of whom also has ED. We’ve refused to pay and I think one of the parents has agreed to lend her the money. And as dd won’t let herself admit she’s ill, she won’t get any help or attention from the other 2, both of whom will be getting pissed whilst dd forgets to feed herself. The other one will get all the attention as she’s really needy, whereas on the surface dd shows nothing and appears highly capable, which she is in certain areas. Ie stuff she’s practiced a lot.

Dd is a light drinker, but a party animal and I’m really concerned she’s going to be a target abroad for predators, people traffickers etc. I’m exhausted by it all.

I think the PP’s point though is that worrying won’t change any of those things. All you can do is, to the best of your ability to try and give them the tools to navigate life safely and successfully. Worrying/tracking/being in constant contact isn’t going to change their decision making.

I understand the change of routine concern, but I still think that this level of daily checking up on children who are fully-fledged adults is not normal behaviour. At some point both sides have to manage to let go a bit and develop more independence. It’s a negative development in modern times.