To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

😄😄😄

@AllBranGirl I have to respect someone as stubborn as me. Let's leave it now?

I’ll be surprised if the OP comes back to this thread. It isn’t really about her any more.

You are making homophobic remarks. They also don’t make any sense. By your logic a lesbian who wants a “rubber penis” is actually a straight woman.

Its not homophobic to state that a man who:

Wants to be penetrated with a rubber penis
Pursues an adult woman who wants to have children
Does not disclose this to the woman he is dating until he is sure he has hooked her
Tells her she's closed minded for not wanting to do this, and should be grateful for him wanting her, given her age

Is gay and a misogynist.

If you want to peg men, go ahead, I see nothing wrong with it 🤷‍♀️

There are plenty of bisexual men who are open about liking female and male anatomy. Fair play to them, why not.

But a man who has behaved like this, in my view, is gay, cannot accept it and so expects women to peg him and like it, or at least be grateful that a man wants them, which makes them misogynistic, and oppressive to kind trusting women

I dont know about lesbian sex, I wish them the best, but in my opinion, this isnt the same. There isn't a man preying on a woman's kindness in such a scenario.

He sent me a hand written letter in the post which I received on Friday (assume because I blocked him after he sent me the video). It was pages long. He said he needed to write it for his own closure and so he could move forward without any guilt.

In it he ‘confessed’ that during our relationship he saw what he calls a ‘mistress’ on three different occasions, once really early on when dating, once after a very small argument and again recently because he was feeling ‘frustrated’.

He has asked me for forgiveness but doesn’t expect me to reply. He said he couldn’t move on with his life unless he’d told me, then said a load of gushing comments about me and how I’ll be perfect for someone who wants a normal relationship.

Feeling very disgusted but also relieved I’ve dodged such a bullet.

You definitely dodged a bullet.

The fact he skulked around behind your back and then landed it on you directly after meeting your parents, assuming you’d be too embarrassed to end things, shows he’s an absolute waste of space.

I would get yourself a really decent set of STI tests (basic ones don’t usually cover throat for women). Whilst many of the ‘mistress’ style sex workers don’t have intimate contact with the men, some do. And you don’t know what else he may have been doing behind your back.

Omg. That's awful but also unsurprising.

Do not get rid of the letter though.

You told him once not to contact you again. He has ignored this and written this letter because he couldn't respect you - this is a man with urges he apparently can't resist and control by his own admission. He doesn't respect other people's boundaries. He has weird fixations.

What if this doesn't give him closure and he feels he needs to say something further? Just for the record or his mental health... Or because you have done exactly as instructed and haven't replied.

He wants you to reply btw. Don't.

A second contact after an explicit request to stop contact constitutes harassment.

Hopefully he will fuck off permanently now, but honestly I don't think you can rule this out with his behaviour. So keep the letter and get yourself STI tests.

God. What a contemptible man. He doesn’t need closure, this letter is for him and not you, and what a boundary pusher he is. He would have slowly ruined your life and self esteem.

Do not read anything else he sends you and be prepared to go to the police. This letter is all part of his gratification.

I hope he actually moves on. Swiftly.

He sounds quite deranged. He had to pay a woman to stick something up his arse because he was feeling frustrated about something? That's psychopathic territory IMO.

Do you think there might have been some red flags that you didn't notice throughout the relationship?

Well-done op !!
U dodged a bullet there !!!

I'd burn that letter and think of spell so he lost his sex drive hahahahah id ove to b a witch 🧹 🪄 xxxx

Christ, he'll be sending you educational photos of his discreet encounters next.

Thank goodness you dodged this bullet, OP!

Better luck next time 💐

You definitely dodged a bullet. As per PP, i would keep the letter as you'd already explicitly told him not to contact you. I would also now, whilst everything is fresh, write a detailed account of the breakup, his subsequent communications and yours, just in case its ever needed. Hopefully you won't ever need it and never hear from him again, but just in case he continues contacting you, i'd be going to the police with it for harassment.

You are better well out of it.

The pegging would likely only be the start. It may then lead to him dressing up in women’s clothing, wanting you to humiliate him. Probably fisting and then cuckolding where he wants another guy involved.

Still zero regard for what he did to you & only writing to assuage his own feelings of guilt (?) Actually no he’s just disappointed his little plan to snare you very nearly worked & he’s pissed at that. He doesn’t get the nice wife material & prostitute to peg him after all. Absolutely no way as a PP suggested up thread you missed signs OP. This was deliberate deception & carefully constructed grooming & manipulation. Not your fault! Raise a glass to yourself. Love to know what your parents said. But maybe you can’t go there. I think as many people should be told about these creeps though. There’s clearly more of them about now “kink” culture has become so normalised through porn culture. With very entitled views about their rights to our bodies & their fetishes. I really feel for younger women & what they now have to contend with, no doubt gaslit into feeling they can’t be “vanilla” in the bedroom & obligated to indulge in breath “play” (can’t stand that word) & worse. Perhaps they’ll develop skills to assert themselves as they’ll encounter all of this maybe earlier on?? Or get manipulated like OP by a duplicitous creep. Good riddance OP.

I think it's unlikely it's the first time he's done this, and I'd report the continued unwanted contact to the police - it might add to an existing file on him.

I'm far from prudish yet I find the term kink becoming more & more acceptable. One person's kink is another person's perversion. I'd run a mile OP.

What a liar.

I'm the opposite, I think it's weird to mention it upfront unless it's a deal breaker. Is that what he's saying?

I was chatting to a guy on a dating app, getting along great, messages back and forth v regularly then out of nowhere he said he had "something to confess" and that he was a dom and wanted a sub. I didn't reply straight away as I didn't know why he was saying it, so he then messaged again saying it wasn't a deal breaker. I said OK because I personally didn't see sex as deal breakers for me, but I'm not a massive prude. He then unmatched 😂 so clearly was a dealbreaker.

(Just read your updates and I've definitely changed my mind)

Oh what the actual fuck!

He's a vile pig. He's tried to coerce you into it. Brought up exes, Sent you vile pornographic videos, and now admitted to using sex workers and cheating on you. So he was also lying when he said he'd managed so far without it?

You've told him to fuck off and hes yet again put his own feelings above yours and wants closure, so has written a letter, at this point it's harassment and I'd be calling the police.

Thanks everyone, I have kept the letter, and will weigh up what to do if there is further contact.

I’ve told my friends the reason it has ended, all bar one are in agreement with my viewpoint and another is a bit more blasé and said she’d have happily done it once in a while if she liked the bloke. Each to their own I suppose.

Don't burn the letter. As a much more sensible poster has said, keep it for evidence as you've clearly said no contact is welcome.

He is a liar. This letter is just the best version of himself. Awful, awful man.

I think the letter, and the message with link, is part of a kink in itself. He knows you are uncomfortable with it, yet keeps showing things.

Do not be pushed in forgiveness.

The fetish is actually humiliating women, and controlling their emotions. He’s probably done this before, in the same arc, with all the excitement it brings him.