To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

Notice how the women who had “no issues with it” are all Ex’s.
Sex preferences need to be discussed when sex first starts in the relationship.
His waiting for the family introduction is no accident.

This is such a weird interpretation of events. No one wants someone to bring their kinks up on a first date (which OP herself has said). Obviously you wait until you're sure someone likes you before you bring up something that makes you vulnerable? It's a question of trust, from his perspective.

I told my partner my kinks early on. No issues.

I really think that some men enjoy “changing” women to integrate kinks into a relationship. Obviously it is easier than ever to find someone like minded and willing, so this type of guy, who is basically dishonest, is someone to get rid off.

I know it's not exactly in the spirit of MN, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. It can be really difficult to talk about sexual preferences and kinks, and like a PP has said, people are between a rock and a hard place when it comes to choosing when to share their preferences with a partner. It's likely he needed to build up a trusting relationship first, within which he could feel confident he wasn't going to be shamed. It's also hard to know where you sit on the vanilla-kinkyasfuck spectrum so maybe his comment about PPs is part of him trying to weigh up how others have felt about it, versus his own shame about his kink. I can see how some of the language OP has shared could seem manipulated, but I also think this is him laying his cards on the table in terms of it being a non-negotiable, which is surely better than him minimising the importance of it now, then it turning out to be a bigger deal further down the line.
OP, if you can, respond with curiosity to his kink - ask questions without judgement about what it involves and what he would ideally like it to look like in your relationship. Then make a decision about whether it's something you can be on board with.

What on earth does being open-minded have to do with one's personal sexual preferences?

And no, OP, you're not unreasonable. It's just a waste of everyone's time and feelings if one person has a kink they 'need' to indulge, and doesn't tell the other person up front.

Not knowing what these things are makes it really difficult to judge how out of the ordinary they are. One persons making things more interesting is another persons no way. If it's threesomes or swinging it would be not a chance. If they are things the op just wouldn't do then it's time to let him go whatever they are. He won't be happy if she refuses and it will be a problem between them forever.

I wouldn’t say it’s easy to find someone like minded, the dating scene is a complete minefield in my experience 😂

Edited to add I’ve re-read and think you may be on about him finding someone to do this with.

You can't possibly consider children with him for the forseeable. You barely know him. He has just sprung one surprise on you. There could be more that he is hiding.

He's deliberately chosen this moment, when he thinks you are attached to him, when you've just introduced him to family, to tell you a fundamental and potentially deal breaking aspect of himself. That's manipulative and a terrible start to a relationship. If nothing else, it shows that he puts his needs first and you will always be second to him and his kink.

If time isn't on your side, don't waste any more of it on this one. You will only live to regret it.

No none of the stuff involves other people. To be honest with my ex of 5 months there was probably other stuff that was giving me doubts so his reveal just gave me an excuse to end things. But my current relationship is different because I do like him a lot and had seen it going somewhere.

Yeah we weren’t planning to try for kids any time soon, it was just discussed as longer term if things go well.

I find the timing of his revelation to be very manipulative. If this "kink" is a dealbreaker then it should have been discussed much earlier.

Doesn't bode well.

I think it depends what the kink is/whether they might reasonably have expected you to be on board with it. Though 8 months is quite a long time to go before mentioning something that is apparently essential.

Frankly, I'd expect deal breakers (including kinks) to be discussed by the fourth date, not the fourth month! What's the point in dragging it out for four months, when you could've found out three months earlier that you were completely incompatible? Who wants to waste that kind of time? I say be up front about major deal breakers on the third date - that way if you're compatible, you can go shag to celebrate, and if you're not, you can part ways without wasting time.

Silly to say you wish you'd known sooner so easier to leave, then moan about it and say you'll do it occasionally "of course."

If you are kinky, it’s never been easier to find someone with whom you can be upfront.

You want to ask what it was that makes this man put such importance on this but not tell you. Common sense would indicate he waited because you would have an emotional connection, you would actively listen, and you would think about changing something about yourself. That is very manipulative and only benefits him.

That little instinct that made you post will go away if you decide his needs are greater than yours. Then he will be in charge of your relationship. This is likely a start, not an end.

The way he's left it so long, allowed you to get attached, discussed having DC with you, knows you don't have a lot of time, you've introduced him to your DPs, etc, feels very manipulative. I guess he knows that not many women will agree to whatever he 'feels he can't live without', so now he manipulates the woman into a position where she doesn't want to lose everything that the relationship represents, so is more likely to agree. Bleugh! Nothing more unattractive than a manipulator and god knows what else he's got hidden that he'll expect you to accept in future. I'd dump him. I'm sorry you're faced with this choice OP, but tbh if I was dating now I'd be upfront, right from day one, that if you've got some kink you're not for me.

But I'm confused that you say that you'll do it, 'of course'. There is no 'of course' about it! You should never feel manipulated into anything that you don't want to and quite honestly, if you're prepared to do this, you need to take a long hard look at your boundaries.

If the exes didn’t have any issues with their fetish then why are they exes?!!

he should have been honest with you from the start. Emotionally manipulative to wait 8 months in and to have met your
parents to then tell you!! I’d bin him
off just for this!! WARNING RED FLAGS 🚩 coming off this bloke!!!

....but they are now exes......

It’s difficult to say without knowing how out there the link is . If it’s cross dressing / anal sex / Sand M / dressing as a baby etc then he should have told you this months ago , if it’s role play , sexy shoes 8 months is fine .

My wild guess, based purely off the mention of watching the Eurovision together, is that he wants to choke her. If it is that, then Op would be wise to end things.

The decision you have control of is whether to take him seriously or not. At 8 months and meeting parents, I would do him the honour of listening to him. He wants something you don’t and says he can’t live without it. Fine. I’d walk away with a cheerful wave and a ‘thanks for a fun few months.’

There are multiple sites / apps geared to the kink community for finding partners and if the ability to practice his kink is a deal breaker then he should be on the those making it clear up front that's what he wants. There's plenty of potential partners on there who would fully and enthusiasticly consent to engaging in whatever it is.

You've said you're not into whatever it is so, that's on a no on the full and enthusiastic consent from you. Any attempt by him to coerce you into engaging in it is sexual abuse. And no I'm not being dramatic, the kink community is all about consent, mutual respect and rules.

And whoever said it's about being open minded can piss off, that's really not how consent works.

No, not that.

Apologies I realise now that the vagueness isn’t helping - I didn’t really want to state anything explicit in my OP but can see why it’s confusing and people are asking.

My ex of 5 months - he blurted out a few things at once. What he would deem to be ‘humiliation’ - he described it as being dressed in underwear and bossed around, and as he put it ‘made to clean himself up’ if I ‘allowed’ him to climax. That relationship barely made it past that conversation, but there was other reasons and it was not really going anywhere anyway at that point.

Current relationship, it would be described as anal but on him.

Absolutely agree, otherwise it’s wasting everyone’s time.