To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

[Laurennnworld]

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

This is a sensible move - most likely it won't be necessary, but better safe than sorry.

He was trying to from them too.

Revisiting other options as your dismissed them due to having kids already, don't be pushed into that / them as you're anxious due to running out of time etc. you want your own kids and there's nothing wrong with that.

Why?

Some closeted gay men are womens biggest oppressors, honestly, framing making their wives peg them is being 'open minded'

Glad youve freed yourself op

Ah, fair enough - I missed that.

I very much doubt he's been kink-free for the past 8 months. Most men wouldn't even know about dominatrices - this is clearly a big part of his life.

What are you telling your parents?

So when he said he wanted to see a Domme/Mistress and there would be no physical touching, he lied? Pegging is a common kink and not for everyone, I get that but he couldnt see a Domme to get his fix without a sexual act. I suspect he has more than one kink if thats the case. He can live without one but not the other.

But just to play a little devil's advocate, if he had told you in the early stages and you'd had a conversation, would his suggestion also have been a deal breaker. Im not sticking up for him but if in all other aspects hes great, could you have dealt with that. Even if it meant you were aware of it but didn't want to know when he was doing it.

There's been threads on here about finding out men being caught using these kinds of services as it wont happen at home but the OP at the time has said they thought they had the perfect relationship.

Kinks have been around for 100s if not 1000s of years but always been taboo or never spoken about. I don't think anyone should be shamed for something that excites them sexually. I know several woman that prefer anal to vaginal sex for example. I know someone that cannot orgasm unless shes being choked out, Its not just men.....

OMFG OP!!!!!! what a nutter he has turned out to be. He doesn't like taking No for an answer, does he? - which is somewhat worrying.

It's hard to image an adult with such a profound lack of awareness. Actually quite troubling.

It is not about shame, it is about honesty. This man needed to be more honest about what he needed or claimed to need.

The way he has gone about it is dishonest, and emotionally cruel. You do not string someone along like this and then try and manipulate things to your satisfaction.

I don't think anyone should be shamed for something that excites them sexually.

@CombatBarbie, you might want to clarify that statement, because there are definitely things that excite people sexually that they should be shamed for.

Seriously? You know a woman who cannot orgasm unless she is being choked? That is incredibly dangerous.

These days, good old vanilla gets a bad press but there’s something to be said for it especially if it’s full of sensuality and passion.

For me, it would need to be mentioned prior to having sex for the first time then I could decide whether I wanted to have sex at all with full disclosure of what he would be expecting in the future.
If he can’t live without it he really should have brought it up prior to any sex because otherwise he’s sort of reeled you in.

The genie is definitely out of the bottle now, isn't it?

What a horrible man. Any more of that and I'd be going to the cops.

The more I read about him, the more I think is that his real kink is boundary violation. Getting you to do something that you don't want to do. That makes him a very dodgy kind of individual.

It seems to be. I once dated a woman who introduced me to her ‘box of tricks’ which included a certain appendage she liked to wear. She couldn’t understand my complete disinterest as apparently her ex was really into it. No thanks.

Clearly I'm not talking about sex with children or teens, or animals. I'm talking pegging, feet, tights, shoes, being degraded etc.

I like vanilla sex (well I don’t indulge in any of it all now). People like to use vanilla as an insult or to belittle, but not to me. I’ve had great sex and none of it included kinks. I could never have indulged someone's ‘kink’ and luckily I never dated anyone in over 40 years who expressed having one.

Yup well aware of that. Fortunately she has a very supportive partner and they do it safely.... well as safely as you can I mean.

They’re always exes aren't they. 🤔

Good for him you. Keep screen shots of your messages and carry through your promise of any more messages to contact the police immediately.

I too like others like he has been indulging his ‘urge’ during your relationships, so you may want to consider an STD test if you have been using the pill for contraception. I always insisted on condoms and didn’t believe I’ve had vasectomy or I’m infertile or whatever - really ok but it’s my womb and I need it protected and you are paying the condoms. An ex of mine pulled a stunt not the same but he had met various important people and he then popped in to see them (!) to try to get them to ask me to reconsider dumping him and fortunately they sent him off with a flea in his ear. But if he knows your parents’ address it might be worth giving them a heads up

Can you not drag gays into this straight blokes kink?

Pegging is a heterosexual man kink - because the man likes to be pegged by A WOMAN, who is a member of the opposite sex, are you seeing how this works?

I used more generalised language because it isn’t just about penetration/ things being inserted, there’s all kinds of other enjoyment which you surely know about judging by your research

Omg OP, that escalated. Well done for giving him the heave ho. He obviously thought that if he reeled you in long enough, you'd do anything.

You have done the right thing. My nasty ex started with asking if I'd go swinging. I said no. He said he respected my decision but still went on and on about it. Then there was a bit of tame S&M, which over time escalated to the extent I was covered in bruises. He told me his fantasy was to watch other men humiliate me. It was awful, his sexual behaviour got worse and worse. Now with a lovely man and it's an absolute relief to be in a normal, loving relationship.

You have dodged a bullet.

A very apt comment it transpires! 😄

Seriously though OP, this man was a bad one - I'm glad you threw him back.
I agree he wasted your time and it's appalling that he tried to make you feel bad about breaking it off with him. It sounds like he's paid for this act plenty of times and would attempt to manipulate you into it constantly.

A nasty man unfortunately.

The main problem here isn't the kink itself.

HTH.

I'm not dragging gays into anything 😤

I said some closeted gays are misogynistic

Which this man is imo 🤷‍♀️