Page 22 | AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

TheAngryPuxie · 2026-04-11T20:30:15+00:00

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc. I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford. AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

HoppingPavlova · 21/07/2026 02:04

blueshoes · 21/07/2026 01:26

Are you 120?

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My vote’s on vampire.

Laurmolonlabe · 21/07/2026 09:16

kiaraluna · 19/04/2026 01:47

Very well said.

I had a friend who's extremely jealous of everything that I had. And for everything that I had which she didn't, she thought it's because I was lucky and relying on someone else to provide that for me.

She went from giving all those backhanded compliments over small things about me that she paid inproportionally and unnecessary attention to, to being blatantly spiteful ever since my DH and I moved to a nicer bigger apartment than hers. She started to say things like "it's so good that you don't have to work, you can sleep in every day, and have all the freedom to do whatever you want, or simply do nothing when you don't feel like it, because you don't have rent and bills to pay. Unlike me, I work so hard and I never stop working because I share rent and bills with my husband. My life is so hard you will never understand. "

She said it like I was a freerider, completely ignoring the fact that I was working as a freelancer for many years (she never made belittling comments about it before I moved) , making money on my own, and never asked my DH for money. It's just when she chose to be competitive and resentful, she started to think and even said it to my face that "working as a freelancer isn't really working", "you are only doing it for hobby", "you are only making "pocket money" to buy nice things for yourself". But in order to retain clients and earn more, I sometimes work multiple projects at the same time, working more than 12 hrs a day or till 4am... She never thought about it when she's sleeping at 4am I was still working, she only talked about how she got up for work at 6am but I could "be lazy and sleep in". But who would work that hard "just for hobby", would you?

I told her that if she thought it's so easy and fun, she could try become a freelancer herself (of course she couldn't because it actually requires skills, reputation and connections you spent years to build to become one). I bet she never worked as much and as hard, as she had a 9 to 5 job. Of course this was never really the point. She's just not happy that my husband bought a nicer apartment, and she couldn't accept that I had better things/life than she did. So she tried to put me down by trivialising everything I did, and to make me feel like I didn't deserve it because I didn't earn it myself. She kept saying things like this for a few years, until I couldn't do it anymore and cut ties with her, but then she said I was the heartless and petty one who got mad at her over small things...

@TheAngryPuxie OP, I think you're envy so you are just venting here and at least you didn't purposefully said it out loud at her face, like what my friend did. But you're only choosing something to be envy at and you're not taking the whole package. You don't know the hard parts she has to deal with and the sacrifice she has to make every day, I bet there are some. If you keep thinking and comparing this way, you'll never be happy. And you can't feel happy for your friend either. Then maybe you look for some other friends who are "not living a better life" to make you feel better?

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I am a freelancer, tell whoever is questioning it as a job, if you have to do a tax return it is a job not a hobby, don't listen to ignorant people- it's a waste of time.

Ultravox · 21/07/2026 09:27

You and your husband went into “safe” career paths which were pretty much guaranteed a job for life and steady pension. Its a good choice and I’m sure you have a decent standard of a life,

Unless you know the details of your friend’s finances then you really don’t know how they got there. I have a friend with a low paid job & a husband who owns his own business. For YEARS they were up to their eyes in debt - they lived off her salary and borrowed against their house to fund the business. He travelled loads and she did everything else with the house and kids so it was super stressful.

They are multi millionaires now but if it had not worked out they would be in a very different position. They didn’t go down the safe route and took risks to get where they are. Not everyone has the balls for it (I don’t!). Their house and holidays are fabulous but I could not have done what they did to get there and they deserve every minute of it. And I like them too much to envy them.

DoodleDoo37 · 22/07/2026 09:48

EvieBB · 20/07/2026 21:36

That's easy for you to say.
Some people have depression or chronic fatigue so find it hard to climb the ladder.
Some are so introverted or shy or never seem to fit in, so again are unable to get the top jobs as they can't banter the same way others can.
..it's not that bloody easy for everyone so stop being so judgemental 😠

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So same for men then isn't it? They can have depression or chronic fatigue or be shy....... perhaps her other half is like that and maybe that's the reason he hasn't done as well financially as she would like. If she is feeling down because her husband has not provided her with the big house and lady who lunches lifestyle perhaps he is feeling the same..... we can't make demands on one party but not the other

Crikeyalmighty · 22/07/2026 13:50

Ultravox · 21/07/2026 09:27

You and your husband went into “safe” career paths which were pretty much guaranteed a job for life and steady pension. Its a good choice and I’m sure you have a decent standard of a life,

Unless you know the details of your friend’s finances then you really don’t know how they got there. I have a friend with a low paid job & a husband who owns his own business. For YEARS they were up to their eyes in debt - they lived off her salary and borrowed against their house to fund the business. He travelled loads and she did everything else with the house and kids so it was super stressful.

They are multi millionaires now but if it had not worked out they would be in a very different position. They didn’t go down the safe route and took risks to get where they are. Not everyone has the balls for it (I don’t!). Their house and holidays are fabulous but I could not have done what they did to get there and they deserve every minute of it. And I like them too much to envy them.

Indeed - as a couple who took that risky route I get this - we aren’t wealthy but do ok and have a few ongoing options that with a bit of luck could put us in a much better position financially - but will have had years of debt and risk to get there - many a millionaire has had bankruptcies and company liquidation along the way - it’s def not for everyone - full of ups and downs , you need a lot of resilience

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/07/2026 13:51

Elizabeta · 11/04/2026 21:44

what stopped you being more ambitious?

This

Minasama · 22/07/2026 13:52

Life is not fair - however as two teachers you will have vastly better pension provision than people in the private sector so your total package is worth a lot more and your retirement will likely be more comfortable.

Comparison is the thief of joy in any case. A large house does not a happy marriage make.

Figure out how much pension you will both have - that will no doubt make you feel better! Also remember a husband who is a teacher will have provided vastly more childcare when the children were younger, and been much more present in the home and you can’t put a price on that.

fishonabicycle · 22/07/2026 13:57

So you will ha e around £30k of teachers pension and another £24k ish state pension between you? At some point you will have no mortgage. This is probably more than most couples. Check your privilege and be grateful. No sympathy for you!

Badbadbunny · 22/07/2026 14:00

YABU. You don't know what the self employed guy had to sacrifice in order to make the money, i.e. working weekends, working holidays, working evenings, stress, etc. Many self employed work very long hours and are basically "working" 24/7/365 in that they're thinking about work, planning etc., even when not actually at work. It's a completely different life and does often severely impact family and personal life.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/07/2026 14:05

ItsNotMeEither · 04/07/2026 06:58

But these ARE choices you made. I'm recently retired, after teaching for 42 years. There was no paid maternity leave when each of my four children were born. I went back to work full time when each child was 6 weeks old.

I've also been told how 'lucky' I am to be retired. It wasn't luck, it was age, hard work and saving for retirement.

You say you can't work full time and manage a home, family and children, but I did, with juggling and elderly mother who needed help too. I'm also her only child, so that all fell to me. I'm not superwoman, but for many years I was just bloody tired! It's certainly not easy. When they were little, I'd do my marking and planning once they went to bed, but the time they were in high school, I'd stay at school until 5:30 each day to get things done.

You chose the time with your children, it was important to you (it was also important to me, so I had to make every minute of the weekend and after school my family time), you did things your way. It doesn't sound like you would trade that time with your children and that's absolutely your right, it's only that now you are also seeing exactly what you traded it for, a number of years still working before you can also retire.

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This kind of reminds me of my father in laws partner who is sadly no longer with us - banged on about Brexit when she knew we had a pretty European centric business, played the ‘we worked hard card’ and the fact she didn’t get a full pension - reality was she didn’t work a tap of paid work till her kids were adults and then only 8 to 10 hours a week max in a very non demanding job. I’m not saying she didn’t work hard at home life, I’m sure she did but she contributed very little ‘financially’ to either the state or a marriage plus a partnership over the years and yet had very high expectations of what she should get and what my father in law needed to offer - lots of the ‘ ooh wouldn’t it be nice if we could go to xxx ( all of which he was paying for) or outright envy of others -

TreeVeil · 22/07/2026 17:14

TheAngryPuxie · 13/04/2026 20:27

Mine is a lot lower than my husband m's because of maternity leave and being part time as there was no way you could teach my subject full time and have any free time for anytging else like household chores, time spent with children, etc.

What really annoys me is how most women gave to work now as one salary is not enough to live on. Women should be able to choose to stay at home with their children but they're almost forced back to work as soon as the baby is born. What's the point of having children when you never get to see them or bring them up?

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What's the point of having children when you never get to see them or bring them up?

I worked fulltime since my babies were 10 months. It was damn tough. But I managed to juggle life and we shared all tasks including childcare and never missed a school event between us.

My kids are at uni and we are incredibly close. They are close to me and their dad. We both brought them up. And as an NHS worker, I have a great pension. No regrets now. I have a good salary and quality of life through my hard work fulltime and I’m not wasting time in envy of others.

blueshoes · 22/07/2026 18:18

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 23:41

Me too. His pension will be about £20,000. Mine is about half that because I went part time when I had chidren (God forgive ne for actually wanting to spend some time with mumy own children!) and in my subject the workload is ridiculous and you can't work full time, deal with a family and manage a home too.

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Mine is about half that because I went part time when I had children (God forgive ne for actually wanting to spend some time with my own children!)

OP, you made your choices. You can hardly complain that you are as comfortable financially if you are not prepared to put in the graft that a businessman like your friend's dh or senior executive in a demanding and lucrative career is prepared to.

Some of the junior staff that report to me want to work part time and strictly 9-5, without wanting to progress. That is absolutely fine and totally their choice but I would be surprised if they looked at me and said they want my salary without having the stress and work demands outside of hours and weekends. Yes I can retire early but I have paid my dues over decades.

nomas · 22/07/2026 18:51

You can’t help how you feel, but it’s not good to ruminate on it.I’m a very long time away from retirement but I saw a people (mainly men) with very good retirement funds die soon after retirement.

Whereas you and DH may have £30k private pension and £20k state pension between you.

So a £50k pa combined income when you’re mortgage free is likely to be more than enough for you, especially as you have already shown you’re not a spendthrift.

Singlecherry · 22/07/2026 20:53

bafta16 - no, we just always compare, there will be someone wanting what you have - whatever that may be….

EvieBB · 23/07/2026 12:04

DoodleDoo37 · 22/07/2026 09:48

So same for men then isn't it? They can have depression or chronic fatigue or be shy....... perhaps her other half is like that and maybe that's the reason he hasn't done as well financially as she would like. If she is feeling down because her husband has not provided her with the big house and lady who lunches lifestyle perhaps he is feeling the same..... we can't make demands on one party but not the other

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I agree, it works both ways :)

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/07/2026 12:09

Life isn't fair.
i lost my DH last year unexpectedly - 3 months from him getting ill to dying. He'd barely had a days sickness in his life up to then.
from where my life is right now, your retirement looks like it's going to be hell of a lot more comfortable than mine will be. His pensions weren't great, I would imagine 2 teachers pensions will yield a reasonable amount compared to what I will have to live on...