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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

516 replies

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

OP posts:
PottingBench · 11/04/2026 21:59

When I read the OP I thought the poster must surely be 18. It's hard to believe that at 57 someone sees another person's house, hears they're retired and suddenly wishes they were rich and retired as though the thought had never crossed their mind before. Then to cap it all they don't think, blige, I wish I'd thought this through, their answer is to blame their husband for not being richer.

CalmPlumDog · 11/04/2026 22:01

Presuming he has been a teacher since you met, you knew that whilst yes being a teacher is a highly respectable job it is never going to result in an enormous salary. So firstly, if a man making a high salary is important to you then why did you stay at the beginning? And secondly, there are many women who have the high earning careers you mention. I am part of the latter and work with many others similar. It requires a vast amount of work though and so I don’t enjoy seeing others expecting the same financial rewards for simply being with someone. That’s meant to be due to connection, not the “retirement and luxury holidays” received as a result.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 22:01

My friend is a NQT and earns 35k, why is your salary 32k if you’ve been working all your life?

Justwonderingum · 11/04/2026 22:05

Very difficult to be wealthy with a public sector job. Fact is you can work hard and in fact work harder than others and your finances do not and will not ever reflect this.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 22:06

Justwonderingum · 11/04/2026 22:05

Very difficult to be wealthy with a public sector job. Fact is you can work hard and in fact work harder than others and your finances do not and will not ever reflect this.

I guess the pay off is the pension.

Hoppity80 · 11/04/2026 22:08

I kind of see where you’re coming from.
My husband does a v worthy but low paid job and I have always worked full time in a much higher paid but more stressful role.
i do this because our pension/retirement savings would be terrible otherwise.
I do to some extent envy friends who have pootled along in low paid, part time roles but I also like being busy and using my brain and challenging myslef.
you’re only mid 50s what has stopped you being a bit more ambitious? Being a teacher is a great job with a great pension btw - but if you want to earn more could you move into leadership for a few years?

NorthernJim · 11/04/2026 22:08

Should have picked a husband with a better income, or got a better job yourself. I reckon you'll be doing much better than most on your salaries in retirement, with two public sector pensions. Your friend's DH will have funded his pension entirely by himself, no employer contributions or generous final salary scheme.

CalmPlumDog · 11/04/2026 22:10

Off the back of another comment - I did wonder why there was no ambition for a leadership role myself given the aspirations shown here. The salaries shown are not bad by any extent and fit the UK average, but if wanting the things mentioned there are many ways they could have or could progress

Nothankyoupleasenottoday · 11/04/2026 22:11

I have zero interest in a life provided for me by anybody else. Where are you in all this op? If you wanted a big house with loads of….whatever, what stopped you going and getting it? Not all of us are provided for by men…I am not and most of my friends aren’t!

CalmPlumDog · 11/04/2026 22:12

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 22:06

I guess the pay off is the pension.

The pension received is many multiples of any private sector job. So not sure how their retirement is quite so “poor”

SinicalMe · 11/04/2026 22:12

YANBU I understand where you’re coming from. I had 2 friends both worked for the same company doing the same job one married a guy who did the same admin job as them the other married a guy who had a high paying job.

Before marriage their lives were pretty similar after marriage their lives were very difference. The friend with the richer husband lived in a 5 bed detached house dc at private school, fabulous holidays etc the other lived in a terraced house kids at state school, little to no holidays.

It was very interesting to observe how differently their lives panned out depending on the financial status of their husbands.

For me it was a good exercise in watch and learn. Which friend did I want to be? Grin

Fontet · 11/04/2026 22:14

I met my wonderful husband 38 years ago….he has always provided for us and I have never worried. I would quite literally LIVE IN A TENT as long as we were together….material belongings mean absolutely nothing. Just be grateful you have a husband, a roof over your head and a means of an income. You sound extremely shallow!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/04/2026 22:14

DollydaydreamTheThird · 11/04/2026 21:46

You are going to get anilihated OP! 🤣

Jon Stewart Popcorn GIF

Lol

BruFord · 11/04/2026 22:16

Life isn’t fair @TheAngryPuxie, I know people who are from wealthy backgrounds and have never had to work particularly hard to earn a living/have never worried about paying their bills.

Pickledonion1999 · 11/04/2026 22:16

I feel a bit like this in our small office ! One has a family trust fund left for her, one is married to a very successful businessman, one whose partner does well self employed and evading tax, manager is from a family clearly with wealth. With exception of my manager they all work very part time and I have to listen to constant tales of exotic holidays/ cruises etc.
I try to to get envious as I have so much more than others.

CalmPlumDog · 11/04/2026 22:17

Fontet · 11/04/2026 22:14

I met my wonderful husband 38 years ago….he has always provided for us and I have never worried. I would quite literally LIVE IN A TENT as long as we were together….material belongings mean absolutely nothing. Just be grateful you have a husband, a roof over your head and a means of an income. You sound extremely shallow!

My 3rd or 4th comment on here as this post has driven me the wrong way haha. But yes I agree with this SO MUCH. I have the things OP mentions ( due to me, not my husband as I’m single). And I can’t imagine being in my 50s and still putting these things on a pedestal. I would happily have more “average” things in exchange for a stable and loving relationship. The lack of gratitude is shocking

UnhappyHobbit · 11/04/2026 22:17

You are being unreasonable thinking that £44k is “a lot”. My DH is earning around the same and I certainly don’t think it’s a lot in this climate.

ThePoshUns · 11/04/2026 22:18

What’s with all the ‘jealous of my wealthy friends’ threads of late?

sorryIdidntmeanto · 11/04/2026 22:18

But some people are on a single income for whatever reason, and that's not fair either. What do you need a 5 bedroom house for? Would it really make you happy? Our income is much less than yours, but I wouldn't want to run my own business. No point being jealous.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 11/04/2026 22:20

Bloody hell OP. If you wanted a different standard of living, you were equally as able to go off and make your fortune as your husband. Why was it his responsibility?
He promised to share his life with you, not bankroll your existence in a lap of luxury
YABU

Dubaichocolates · 11/04/2026 22:23

You should’ve married where the money was then. Bit late now so no point thinking about it.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 11/04/2026 22:28

You've managed to retire at 57 and have benefitted from nice long holidays. Look at the positives and stop comparing yourself to others. If you want to improve your lot, do something about it.

Pyjamatimenow · 11/04/2026 22:33

Yes I think when you’re young most women don’t think too calculatingly about how they choose their husbands. They’d probably be wiser to have a mind to financials. Obviously it’s not the most important thing but love only goes so far and financial worries can cause a lot of arguments. Men always disappoint, but it’s easier to be disappointed in a lamborghini. Something like that anyway

barkygoldie · 11/04/2026 22:34

DollydaydreamTheThird · 11/04/2026 21:46

You are going to get anilihated OP! 🤣

This made me laugh. Definitely a ‘having your arse handed to you’ thread. But go on op, come back and discuss, be brave!

Besidemyselfwithworry · 11/04/2026 22:38

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 22:01

My friend is a NQT and earns 35k, why is your salary 32k if you’ve been working all your life?

I’m guessing must be part time?

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