AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

It will still be a lot more than someone in the private sector being paid an equivalent amount of money.

You chose to go part time. You could change that decision if you want to earn more

Whaaaaat??!!! It's certainly not that much in Scotland. About £40 ph max.
If it was £90 I'd be all over it.

Online tutoring websites all seem to offer tutors at £75per hour +, with varying levels of experience. There are even some university students offering A level tuition via these websites, at around £40 + per hour! Online - doesn’t matter where you are located, so may be worth looking into!

I’ve had a variety of life situations within my long marriage OP and am now 64 - had money, not had money, had a business failure, built up another business- if I can just say the happiest times of my life haven’t been always when we’ve had ‘more’ - Having a really big house didn’t make me any happier as my H wasa totally stressed angry dickhead and constantly working whilst we were paying for it - and I actually didn’t much like working less and being around that kind of vibe and I like working too- - sometimes things aren’t just what you see on the surface - if you are happy and well and have what you need, then focus on that and enrich life in other ways if you can -

It's natural to be envious at times but life isn't fair. Everyone starts from a different place in terms of privileges and advantages. Some women specifically seek out men with well paid jobs. What I find odd in your post is your complaint that your husband isn't more ambitious. What about you? I'm happy with my home, my income and my partner's income, but we earn a similar amount. I never relied on him to give me the nice house I wanted. I had my own ambition.

She wasn’t even the most expensive! She is great though, years of teaching and tutoring experience and an exam board marker.

Why didn't you get a more highly paid job op? Its on you as well as your husband that you don't make more money

Plenty of us are envious of anyone with a teacher's DB Pension.

Not remotely resentful of said pension - but its hard watching a DC pension plummet every time Putin or Trump do something heinous - and when you are at retirement age and can't bolster it any further - and OP, you will not be managing a house and all overheads on a single person's pension, as long as you stick with your poor DH about whom you are quite dismissive.

We're all a bit envious of everyone better off - but lets be happy and grateful if we are doing OK, and feel for those who envy us, especially if they don't have enough to manage.

Thanks so much for this! I will try and encourage my ds (about to go into an MSc in Comp Sci) to consider applying to CS :)

@SundayMondayMyDay I thoroughly recommend it. Great paternity leave, they’ve paid for loads of my courses, a lot of flexibility and really interesting work. And one of the areas we tend to actively recruit in even when freezes are on elsewhere.

I am not unhappy but it just seems unfair that some people hit the jackpot with money snd I never have.

You make it sound as if this money jackpot just fell into their laps, it didn't they made the choices, took the risks and did what was necessary to achieve it you chose a different path which you may now regret that is not unfairness.

Mortgage, bills, etc. I don't know, but we're not big spenders by any means.

You need to find out exactly where your money goes/has gone particularly in light of what your husband has said regarding cutting back when he retires.

About that. He worked sbroad for a year snd had a few years in a private school which paid peanuts and went out of TPS schene.

@LittleBearPad well initially I had no choice as teaching isn’t especially family friendly. The primary school had no breakfast club & no childminders with space who could do an early drop off for us. So it’s not quite that simple. School holidays are obviously easier to cover, but there’s 39 weeks of term time.

By the time they left primary my subject was cut & so no it’s not been possible to pick up more teaching hours. So I took on admin role in school to get more money coming in.

The age I am it would be highly unlikely I would get another teaching job as I’m too expensive.

I’ve applied for other jobs outside of teaching with no luck.

As you said it was my choice to go into teaching - but that was driven by wanting to do a job that was interesting rather than for any financial gain. I wish perhaps I had been more savvy now.

Thanks - it does sound really good. I had a feeling that the CS was mainly prioritising recruitment for diversity - is that the case at an entry level? And sorry for hijacking the thread! I am super interested in elusive ‘unicorn’ jobs and wish I had been more aware of them when I was young!

We don’t really have ‘positive discrimination’ in that sense, there are certain schemes like future leaders that have special additional routes for disabled people and minority groups, but if he’s coming in under standard recruitment it’s simply down to best person for the job. I cant speak for specific schemes like apprenticeships though.

Comparison is the thief of joy and why weren't you more ambitious?

This does feel quite an entitled thread.
I realise you are not one of the boomer gen but your thread does remind me slightly of a relative in their 70s who got degree did a v low paid but lovely job for a decade, then had kids and didnt work until they were both and secondary school and again in a lovely but low paid, part time role - living on partner’s salary. And retired bang on 60.
They are now on limited pension but fully expect they can enjoy nice trips and holidays that a working family would struggle to afford and demand handouts to pay for it.
it feels v much like there is a mismatch in expectation between generations. Older people expecting to work part time and then getting upset that full time work eventually pays out.
Not saying that’s you op but £2k a month, plus state pension is an absolutely brilliant result for a career of part time work. People today in private sector would really struggle to meet that.Honestly you’ve hit the jackpot!

Your example Hoppity doesn't sound anything like the OP or her husband - what nice wee jobs?
Quite a reach!

That, plus his relatively low salary for someone who’s been in teaching his whole career, will be the reasons his pension is relatively low. But as has already been pointed out, it’s a Defined Benefits scheme, so there’s none of the risk of the value plummeting because Trump does something else crazy or due to other world events. You know the pension will go up in line with inflation. You know that both being teachers, if your husband predeceases you, you’ll get half his pension as well as yours and vice versa. Plus of course state pension on top once you reach qualifying age.

it’s really not all bad. I think one of the issues which unfortunately impacts on a lot of women is they spend too long out of the workplace or only working part time and then seem surprised when their pension is so much lower as a result. IMO it makes total sense to work full time, at least from when the kids are in school. I get that with preschoolers many families want one parent at home some of the time, but I’ve seen a lot of women end up just being part time for a decade or more and it impacts massively on their financial wellbeing long term.

...BECAUSE....(and I'm not saying this is op) but not all of us have the confidence, self esteem, or personality to get promoted or be anybody's boss. Your face has to fit. Mine never has. Some of us are not naturally bossy in real life. Some of us are introverted.
Also - some of us have had or are still experiencing health issues such as CFS and/or mental health issues (depression). Some of us have experienced severe childhood trauma. Some of us are just grateful to have survived and got out of an abusive relationship, and married a lovely man and have children (over and above getting a super high paid job)....and to still be here and have worked through and healed from so much crap is in itself is a huge accomplishment. Having the confidence and self belief to go for a job with a high salary would take another lifetime of growth (that might be wrong, but it's how I feel at this moment in time). .....but I can still feel envious that some people appear to have it all. I don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel envious. It's a valid emotion in the moment...

Yes - appreciate teaching is a challenging job and should pay more.
I guess my point was about if you’ve made a conscious decision to approach things in a ‘traditional’ way - you can’t expect the same lifestyle as someone who had really gone for it and made a lot of sacrifices.
My feelings are admittedly coloured by my experience with the person I mentioned in my post. They have been quite judgemental about others’ ‘less traditional decisions’ ie full time work for a Mum, with very little awareness of their own privilege but now have no issue demanding support when it’s needed to enable their lifestyle.
Not saying that’s you at all op though - my point was more about expectations.

I don’t think anyone just ‘has it all’ though… or at least not without hard work, often risk-taking and making tough choices. Even if you’re fortunate to not have childhood trauma or poor health, things don’t just fall into your lap.

I also don’t agree that being a manager is about having a ‘bossy’ personality. In fact that’s a downside in my view. I manage a team and I wouldn’t describe myself as uber confident at all. I’ve at various times felt imposter syndrome and I’ve really had to work to push myself to go for promotions and take on the responsibility that comes with them. Interestingly part of my motivation is that I would hate the responsibility of being married to someone who wanted me to earn a fuck ton of money so that they didn’t have to carry the load so it made me realise I shouldn’t expect it of my dh either! We’ve always aimed to both earn decent salaries and have good careers without grinding ourselves down in the process. Share the load.

the OP has chosen a different dynamic, she admits she wanted what she describes as an ‘old fashioned’ set up where her husband took the major responsibility as breadwinner. It’s really not reasonable to now complain. She was obviously equally well qualified as him because they’re in the same profession.

Chose a 'typical working class career'?????
Is it, really????
Professional degree led career isn't typical working class Imo.

Good point about the tps too @crossedlines

@Newyearawaits I think @CinnamonJellyBeans is being facetious. Despite my pension not being as amazing as people think I am hopeful to be able to buy some of my food from M&S food hall 😉