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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

516 replies

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

OP posts:
noodlebugz · 13/04/2026 23:12

I think this is really one where comparison is the their of joy.

I’m at a different stage of life in the trenches paying for childcare for 2 at the mo and we are struggling with things like fun / holidays (IMHO our house is too big and I’d like to enjoy life and have a smaller one but that’s a whole other thred) but I do see friends around me who are better off and when I compare it does make me dissatisfied.

I’m certainly happier when I’m running my own race! I need to consciously remind myself of that.

Breadandsticks · 13/04/2026 23:15

Partner of a teacher here. We are still in our 30s and we are both aware that teaching doesn’t provide the cushy rich life closer to retirement BUT it’s a great skill and my partner started tutoring - with the school then independently for extra cash. There is so much need for education these days, it may not make you rich but there are other ways to earn some income.

Maybe you didn’t want the rich life at the time and you are seeing what you could have had if you married different.

I hope you and your husband are happy at least.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2026 23:51

Stating that people do not enter a profession for the money is actually an invidious argument. We seem to hear this about teaching, nursing...any profession where people supposedly do it for the love of it.

One of the reasons that teaching wages are a bit better in Scotland is that the professional associations here no longer accept that argument.

Feel free to argue that people can change profession but don't tell them that they should be doing any job out of enjoyment. Love/enjoyment doesn't pay the bills.

So far as all the "free time" in teaching is concerned - that very much depends on your subject and/or post. If I hear that youngsters are thinking of becoming teachers, then I tell them to avoid certain jobs.

The last time that I did a bit of supply teaching, I spent a great deal of my own time - including "holiday periods" developing work for my classes. That was my choice, but it would have been impossible to prepare the pupils for exams otherwise.

There are some subjects where the same amount of work isn't required. For example, most of the Scottish maths teachers that I know use schemes of work provided by Teejay publishing. (Kudos to the two teachers who had the foresight to set up that company. I should imagine that they have made a good living out of it.)

So far as money is concerned, normally the only way to make good money in teaching is to climb the promotion ladder. The irony is that the higher up the ladder you go, the further you are away from teaching.

In Scotland, at least, various attempts have been made to reward good classroom teachers in order to encourage them to stay in the profession: there was firstly the Senior Teacher scheme and then the Chartered Teacher scheme.

Both were eventually abolished because the Local Authorities didn't want to pay the wages.

Apparently, only around 11% of the Scottish teaching workforce is male - and yet (particularly in Secondary) promoted posts seem to be skewed towards men. This is particularly striking when you look at secondary headships.

Thinking about it, a large number of the classroom teachers that I know are women who stay in the profession because - even if you're spending your holidays developing schemes of work* - you can be at home with your children during the holidays. [No, I have no children of my own.] If they're married to another teacher, it tends to be that their spouse is in a promoted post with good money.

I can also think of some men who made it in the Chartered Teacher scheme before it closed.

Most of the married women teachers that I know are not married to other teachers, however. If you're in a school where the majority of women are married to men on a very good salary, I guess that it can give you a different view of your job and lifestyle.

As I've said above, I was married to a teacher. It would have been nice to have had a bit more money but I suppose that it was possibly different for us in that we both came from working class backgrounds.

I'm not trying to do a replay of the Yorkshireman sketch, but my husband's dad was an estate gardener living in a tied cottage. My husband variously worked in forestry (and lived in a bothy), was in the army (and lived in barracks), returned to forestry on a big esate (and lived in a tied cottage) and then returned to education as a mature student because the 'only advancement was in dead men's shoes'.

His parents had been ambitious for him, but had been advised by a headmaster that he could 'not see [DH] in a desk job', so he'd left school at 15 with no qualifications.

In my case, my mother had been a housekeeper and then factory worker; my father was a coalminer. I'm lucky that they supported my ambition to go to university. I'd hopes of going into a different line of work, but Dad reached retirement age and was talking of staying in the pit if I took the advanced qualification that I would have required so I took a year's teacher training instead for the sake of starting work sooner. (I did apply for retail management training, but was told that I was overqualified because I had an honours degree.)

The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm not wealthy but - in my case - comparison tells me that I'm better off than I was as a child or teenager. My dad owned a one bedroom flat with an inside toilet, but that was taken away from him via compulsory purchase at a ludicrously low price and I spent my teenage years in a council house.

I can imagine, however, that someone brought up in a middle class household would expect a better lifestyle as an adult.

In fact, when it comes to "comparison being the thief of joy", I see umpteen threads on here where posters complain that their [presumably middle class parents] had a much better standard of living than middle class people are now able to enjoy.

So...I'm not complaining about my lot but I can tell you that it's going to be increasingly difficult to persuade teaching staff to stay in a job where they're told to expect to be sworn at and violence in the classroom is a growing problem. I know people who have done the maths, have worked out the smallest amount that they need to live on and - as soon as their kids have finished university - have quit. I know people who are now driving patient transport, doing delivery jobs, etc.

I would not return to the classroom.

*I do not envy the amount of forward planning expected of Scottish primary teachers.

chatchatchatty · 14/04/2026 01:43

Its all relative, some people will always be better off than you and some will be worse off.
You have your health, will have additional pension to the state pension and have healthy children.
I that position I would count my blessings!
Some people didn’t make it to be your age, some are dealing with awful health problems and some have lost their husbands, maybe you aren’t as badly off as you think

Allrightonthenight1 · 14/04/2026 03:01

Donsyb · 13/04/2026 21:49

Most people I know are only getting 3% contribution from their employers, and not may can make up the difference themselves.

In an equivalent graduate role? DH gets 10% which is fairly standard in his industry.

I'm not talking about 'most people', I'm talking about people with at least 4 years degree level study whose pension isn't 'gold plated' any more.

Obviously, if you earn £30k and put 6% total into your pension, you're not going to get as much as someone who is putting 6 times that in.

PissedOffAndStuck · 14/04/2026 07:17

Ok so based on new state pension of £241 per week x 2 plus £20k pa teachers pension, if you both retire you're looking at a post-tax income of approx £3200 per month.

Will you clear your mortgage before retirement? Because tbh unless you have extremely high outgoings or very expensive tastes I struggle to see how anyone couldn't manage on that.

Donsyb · 14/04/2026 07:44

Allrightonthenight1 · 14/04/2026 03:01

In an equivalent graduate role? DH gets 10% which is fairly standard in his industry.

I'm not talking about 'most people', I'm talking about people with at least 4 years degree level study whose pension isn't 'gold plated' any more.

Obviously, if you earn £30k and put 6% total into your pension, you're not going to get as much as someone who is putting 6 times that in.

Yes in an equivalent graduate role. I’m a graduate who’s been working in manager lever roles for 30 years, never had an employer pay more than the legal minimum.

cramptramp · 14/04/2026 08:12

I have a public sector pension. We are classed as being contracted out of the additional state pension. This means I won’t get the full state pension. Don’t know if it’s the same for teacher’s pensions.

HappyMamma2023 · 14/04/2026 08:13

Be careful what you wish for OP. I grew up in a similar situation and my Dad worked away often very long hours. He worked himself to the ground, took medical retirement and died mid 60's. So I think your friend and her husband deserve what they have worked so hard for, I hope they have many healthy years of retirement.

80smonster · 14/04/2026 09:07

A lot to unpack here:

you hate your job (find a new one that isn’t teaching-based)

neither you nor your husband are ambitious (do either of you have a business idea or side hustle?)

your friends may have large houses due to parental assistance with deposit (have you checked to see what a house upgrade would cost you?)

I’d say the positive is that you don’t earn the kind of cash you couldn’t walk away from - 40k is easily achievable in retail or hospitality.

Pinkflamingo10 · 14/04/2026 09:10

Comparison is the thief of joy.
maybe her rich husband is a pain in the arse and she has to earn every penny putting up with him

chasetheace99 · 14/04/2026 09:32

You can earn quite good money from teaching if you move up the ladder - my DC is already on over £55k and he’s not even 30.

catmum44 · 14/04/2026 09:35

I'm the large salary one in our household. The long haul hols, the nice house, the cars and my husband is on a low salary. You make your choices. I wouldn't change a thing. We have a brilliant marriage - always laughing. It wouldn't matter if we were poorer - because we have been and we were just as happy. Life isn't about stuff. It's about people. You do sound a little resentful of your husband. But why put it all on him?

SilverVixen101 · 14/04/2026 11:52

I do understand, but I find the sexism in your post breath-taking. Of my closest 10 or so friends it is all the women in relationships that are the most successful/highest earner (including myself). We're late 50s.
Me and my partner are by no means the wealthiest of our friends but people have always been very kind and invited us to gigs, theatre, dinner and even holidays paid for us when we've been skint - so we continue to have wonderful shared experiences to remember. Me and my partner know we can't ever take the kids skiing (like they want to) but we focus on the huge amount of happiness we have and joy in small things. Last year he and I went for a 4 hour walk along the Thames in the sun and it was one of my favourite days ever. Just chatting and enjoying London and each other's company. A couple of times a year we host parties in our small house for everyone to come along - it's about the happiness you create not the things you own.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/04/2026 12:03

SilverVixen101 · 14/04/2026 11:52

I do understand, but I find the sexism in your post breath-taking. Of my closest 10 or so friends it is all the women in relationships that are the most successful/highest earner (including myself). We're late 50s.
Me and my partner are by no means the wealthiest of our friends but people have always been very kind and invited us to gigs, theatre, dinner and even holidays paid for us when we've been skint - so we continue to have wonderful shared experiences to remember. Me and my partner know we can't ever take the kids skiing (like they want to) but we focus on the huge amount of happiness we have and joy in small things. Last year he and I went for a 4 hour walk along the Thames in the sun and it was one of my favourite days ever. Just chatting and enjoying London and each other's company. A couple of times a year we host parties in our small house for everyone to come along - it's about the happiness you create not the things you own.

I do agree with this and posted earlier about the fact my happiest times in life haven’t been when on paper we’ve had ‘more’ and as we work for ourselves, I’ve had a lot of variance in income/lifestyle over the years . I would also say my flashiest holidays haven’t been my most enjoyable ones either

Maria1982 · 14/04/2026 15:06

And yet I’ve often envied friends with less ‘business-minded’ partners who are actually around at home more often! Mine is very career driven but it has meant working all hours for years.

Reasonstobelieve · 14/04/2026 15:09

OP, I'm sorry to say this but you have absolutely no idea regarding what's involved in running what sounds like big business. I'm not going to go into details other than to say until you have walked in the shoes of those women who appear to have it all I would wave goodbye to the green eyed monster & just be grateful for what you have. Having the luxury of a big house & exotic holidays etc is one thing. The downside is the responsibilty of maintaining staff & keeping a business alive & thats not including the legal battles involved when sharks set about trying to steal all youve built from scratch. I could share many stories that would make you shudder so just be grateful for the husband & life you have. I married a successful & dedicated entrapreuner & I love him dearly. I also think those with a fairly stress free job & a fairly comfortable lifestyle have a lot to be thankful for. In many ways the grass isn't always greener despite how it looks from the outside.

Reasonstobelieve · 14/04/2026 15:50

DilemmaDelilah · 13/04/2026 19:13

I would definitely like more money and a bigger house, but I wouldn't swap my DH for anything. He is the absolute light of my life and I would rather live in a hovel with him than a mansion with anyone else.

What a lovely post. Although I married a now business man I feel exactly the same.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/04/2026 18:01

Reasonstobelieve · 14/04/2026 15:09

OP, I'm sorry to say this but you have absolutely no idea regarding what's involved in running what sounds like big business. I'm not going to go into details other than to say until you have walked in the shoes of those women who appear to have it all I would wave goodbye to the green eyed monster & just be grateful for what you have. Having the luxury of a big house & exotic holidays etc is one thing. The downside is the responsibilty of maintaining staff & keeping a business alive & thats not including the legal battles involved when sharks set about trying to steal all youve built from scratch. I could share many stories that would make you shudder so just be grateful for the husband & life you have. I married a successful & dedicated entrapreuner & I love him dearly. I also think those with a fairly stress free job & a fairly comfortable lifestyle have a lot to be thankful for. In many ways the grass isn't always greener despite how it looks from the outside.

Oh I agree - I don’t think I’ve had a single holiday where at least an hour a day is taken up by my H answering some time critical stuff or calls he has to take and money wise it’s been feast or famine waiting for others to pay and quite often using credit cards so we could pay other people - it’s not for the feint hearted unless you are absolutely walloped!! Many an hour I’ve sat in the bar on my own whilst he’s wandering round having those kind of calls

Kepler22B · 15/04/2026 12:01

I’m one of the women you are moaning about. My husband earns many multiples off my teaching salary.

I do not think of my career as a hobby job!

When younger we made many sacrifices for my husband’s job. Moving location frequently, often overseas where I couldn’t work for Visa reasons. So my career was one of the sacrifices.

I retrained as a teacher at 40 and work very hard and professionally. I’m very proud of my job and my role even though my salary is less than the tax my husband pays.

If you looked at us now you work just see the end product not what we had to do to get here (and yes it is we, we are a partnership and needed to work as a team).

OneHazelDeer · 18/04/2026 17:55

How do I comment on a post please??

AlexStocks · 18/04/2026 19:20

I'm a therapist and I see a LOT. People don't tell you their bad stuff. They could have an awful marriage. The stats on wealthy men and fidelity are...eye opening. I wouldn't wish for anyone else's life. Craft the life YOU are happy with and quit participating in compare/dispair.

Mumtoaboy89 · 18/04/2026 20:30

I think it’s fair to be envious, but also you can’t put the blame solely on your husband and his ambitions. You are equally responsible for the household, your plans and how you spend/invest/save your money, so make a plan and get to where you want to be over the next 10 years. I would say invest in the S&P500 but it’s a long term thing to get proper gains e.g. 30 years + ideally.

Grendel7 · 18/04/2026 20:34

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

You think £32.000 is "not earning much" !!!! REALLY?
I worked for the NHS for forty years. My gross salary full time was £ 17.000, then part time was £ 11.000 .The year before I retired I didn't even earn enough to pay tax!! Get a grip and be grateful!! I wouldn't know whare to put £32.000, AND there's your poor hard up husband too!

Grendel7 · 18/04/2026 20:39

Easterbonnet26 · 11/04/2026 21:52

I know several teachers, and they all earn much more than £44k

Why do always say they are low paid then?