AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

Ah right.

That's more than I got as a PTC on .6, but I recall that there was a wage increase after I quit and - the way that the SPPA administers pensions - that helped my pension a bit.

Digression

As soon as I resigned, my HT had my post job-sized down to .5, in spite of the fact that it was the biggest faculty in the school and the school roll had gone up by more than 200 pupils. Bandit. I've been gone for nearly 8 years now and I've had 6 replacements in that time - all women. I can't prove that there's sexism afoot, but given that the other PTCs were all men with a smaller workload...

When I first got the job, it was advertised at .6. All the candidates were women. The day before the interview, I got a scrap of paper with a printed note telling me that it was only .5. (I was a PT for one subject prior to that - it was when the regions were shoving secondary departments together into faculties as PTs retired.)

I still have no idea how the region thought that they could get away with that...and it was literally a guillotined scrap, not even a full letter.

My faculty was the last in the school to be formed. I checked with the PTCs in the school, and they were all on .6 on the pay scale...so at the 'Any other questions?' stage of the interview, I raised the matter of the drop in pay. I was quite blunt.

The next day I was called into the then HTs office and was told that the region had agreed to restore the pay to .6.

The HT who cut the pay for all my successors was a different chap. To this day, I cannot fathom how the region got off with it.

The salary may reflect the long holidays, sure

But that's entirely different from those holidays being unpaid, as I have seen people claim on here

And the teachers I know do not work in school holidays. Yes they have told me this

Yikes.

Private schools don’t necessarily offer higher salaries and loads of them have left the Teacher Pension Scheme.

honestly, a married couple who are both teachers should have been able to work up to a very nice joint income and a bloody brilliant pension - way better than a private one or most other occupational pensions. There really shouldn’t be any need for the OP to be so envious. Especially as it sounds like the woman she envies doesn’t even have a career of her own

Believe me - I have tried. Teaching is all I've ever done so normally it's instant rejection, and if I do get intetview I'm told thst I was great but they've hired someone with a little more experience than me.

She's got a cleaner.

Why do you blame your husband for not being ambitious and not yourself? Mena do have pay advantages and perhaps more opportunities but not to the extent that he alone could have improved your financial set up, you still have time, why don't you find yourself another income stream

In FE I've finally got a wotk/life balance. I do all household chores when I work part time. Husband doesn't see the need for it - once didn't change his bed sheets for 6 weeks! I am not unhappy but it just seems unfair that some people hit the jackpot with money snd I never have.

Husband started on again today about how we need to cut back when he retires and quite honestly I don't know how I can cut back more than I already am!

I get tutoring where I can. In most private schools the pay is less than in state.

I was paid much much better in independent than state. The expectation and the pressure was higher though.

I’m late 40s. I wish I’d known which careers were going to be high salary when I was in my 20s.

You still haven't explained where your monthly income has gone over the years such that you find yourself at this stage in your life unable to treat yourself to a meal out or takeaway and need to buy your clothes from charity shops.

I have a friend who charges £45 per hour for tuition, and works 22+ hours during the week. A lot of that is done in her house, but also online (using zoom and bitpaper). She also tutors during the school day, for students who are home schooled, and for 16-18 year olds who may have free periods. What subjects do both you and your husband teach? Could you expand your tuition base, with a view to gradually reducing your school contact hours? I think my friend’s £45ph is actually a lot less than some others charge (maybe £75ph online for A level science subjects). It so definitely worth looking into. And get your dh to split the housework 50:50. If he is finishing work at 3.00pm, that is essentially part time hours. It would make your life more enjoyable :)

Mortgage, bills, etc. I don't know, but we're not big spenders by any means.

Yes, we pay £90 per hour for A level Chemistry tuition.

Not true. I have a relatively easy corporate job, earn £78k. Work from home most of the time and can finish at 5pm every day (if I chose to)

You sound like you are feeling trapped and suffocated, with your husband going on about cutting back when he retires making the feeling worse. Tbh, he does sound like a bit of an energy and enthusiasm drain, and you seem to be imagining that when he retires, the only changes will be that you personally will have to spend even more of your limited spare time working out ways to economise, and you will have to limit any remaining hopes and aspirations you had still further, despite the fact he will have more time to take on work you currently do for both of you, whether that be shopping for food or housework, which should therefore free time up for both of you to rediscover some enthusiasm for the life you lead together. If you see nothing but years of continuing drudgery ahead of you, you need to deal with your mindset, which is far more negative than the reality of your financial situation.

People often assume private schools pay more. It certainly isn't always the case.

Similar, I earn £86k in the public sector. WFH, compressed hours, and actually not very stressful. Helps I work in an area that’s very well funded, so resources aren’t an issue (thus not terribly stressful, though has its moments).

I do appreciate my job is a bit of a unicorn though, I had been very ambitious up to getting it but I have no intentions of moving on currently 😂

Ooh - please do share what you do, and what enabled you to get the job (particular degree or qualification, or was it a case of working up the ladder?)?

Ooh - and the same question to you as well, please! What do you do, and how did you get the job (re: qualifications / experience / previous jobs etc)?! Thanks!

Civil servant in the digital profession. Can get my salary as a G6 in technical fields such as data science, performance analyst, some pay even more such as technical architect. But G6 is a senior grade so need to have a certain amount of experience and leadership responsibility for this salary, there are lower grades for less responsibility/experience. Part of the salary is made up by an allowance that’s not pensionable, but the pension on the base salary is good enough!

This is so true. And even if they pay the same or more as state, hundreds of them have left the Teachers Pension scheme now and to be fair the pension is one of the big perks of teaching. If the OP’s husband has been a teacher all his career, even though he’s not on huge money because he hasn’t gone for promotions, presumably most of his pension is protected from before the pension changes came in? And even since the changes, the pension is damn good by anyone’s standards. And as well as the monthly payments, I think the lump sum is about 1 and half times the salary so in the region of £66,000 for him? If that’s wisely invested it will help. Plus of course the OPs teaching pension when she retires. And of course the state pension on top when they reach the qualifying age.

Is it right that OP’s DH’s pension would be £20k pa?

I thought it sound have been more if he was a full time teacher most of his life?

Sorry to hear that. What did they do?

I leant my family a large sum of money. They paid it all back but I did lose out in buying a house for years.