AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

For people in their fifties, a large determiner of people’s wealth is when they got on the housing ladder. House prices were rock bottom in the mid to late 90s and banks would give out mortgages with a very small deposit. You would have been about 30 which would have been the ideal time to buy your first home. I’m guessing you didn’t as you say you’re still paying a mortgage now and there may be good reasons why you didn’t, but you can’t begrudge your friends for making shrewd financial decisions. It’s likely to be shrewd financial decisions that led to their earning more too. I am a similar age to you, actually slightly younger and our generation had it easy with low house prices and free university.

You know, you're right. I did buy my first flat in 1996, at age 24, so got on the property ladder. It's wild that it was achievable on one teacher's salary. It was one bed, but was mine & I loved it. It gave me the basis to buy 2 more flats before I bought the house I'm in now.

My big regret is not speculating & buying a 2nd flat with a friend to perhaps rent out. But I was working class & had no-one to advise or suggest it. Friends who were middle class & did get the advice to do this are far better off due to rental income & property to pass on.

Don’t forget that big houses and fancy cars can be obtained through businesses, in trust etc, which mean the couple don’t necessarily ‘own it’ in the traditional way. Comparison steals joy. I love a root round the charity shops. My £37k wage was once looked upon as high, but it does not go far any more. I just enjoy the simple things now. 🙂 chin up x

It’s not unreasonable to feel envious. But your husband’s pension is more than double mine. When you both retire you’ll have a lot of money to live off as retirees. I envy you for that.

This is just a very silly post!! If you love your husband and you are both fit and healthy , you should be grateful. If you don’t love him no amount of money will compensate!! I’m single and have very many ( most!) married friends with significantly “ better” ( ie wealthier) lifestyles. Some are v fortunate- others have health issues, are in unhappy marriages, or have had serious difficulties with their children/ family . It’s impossible to know what goes on behind closed doors - but the grass is not always greener. If you are a genuine friend you should be glad for your friends enjoying a good lifestyle. I’m nearing retirement and will be working way longer than my friends due to lots of challenging circumstances- but I’d never ever begrudge my friends enjoying their hard won earnings!!

You should have married a rich man.
Simple as that. No use crying over spilt milk.

I was the main earner until recently and now DH out earns me. Ambition breeds ambition and I think we’ve both pushed each other by being ambitious which is why are where we are now.

We live in a nice 4 bed, surrounded by people who
live in massive 5 beds and ours looks like a bit dropped off in our cul de sac, but I love our home and, rather than a big house that needed more cleaning and maintenance when, at most, there are three of us living here at any one time, we preferred to have nice cars in the drive, pay our mortgage off as soon as possible (way to go yet, but easily achieved before retirement) and enjoy ourselves at the same time.

Never really understood being jealous of people, surely you make choices to work towards what you aspire to in life?

I would definitely like more money and a bigger house, but I wouldn't swap my DH for anything. He is the absolute light of my life and I would rather live in a hovel with him than a mansion with anyone else.

We all have choices to make 🤷🏼‍♀️ My aunt once said to me ‘you didn’t marry exH because of money…?’ I had to correct her. It definitely was a factor. I think part of the attraction WAS that he was ambitious, high earning and I knew that I could be a SAHM if we had DCs.

So you’ll have c £35k from teaching pensions and then c £25k (current amount ish) in state pension at your state retirement dates?
I don’t think that’s too bad?

You're earning and will be getting a lot more pension than a lot can dream of. Be grateful for what you have instead of wanting more.

Yes. We have a big house, everyone thinks I have the perfect life and husband. He’s an abusive shit and I’m just about to divorce him. Everyone I’ve told irl is gobsmacked because they thought he was the ideal husband. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

You only know what you think you see. You don't know their heartbreaks, their joys, their struggles, their sacrifices or anything else. You're viewing their lives through your materialistic lens and then, even worse, punishing yourself and your husband for these things.

Gratitude for what we have, instead of resenting what we don't have, goes a very long way. Do you have your health? A husband that loves you? A beautiful home to live in with everything you need?

There always be richer people than you, count your blessings they are much poorer people too.

Mine is a lot lower than my husband m's because of maternity leave and being part time as there was no way you could teach my subject full time and have any free time for anytging else like household chores, time spent with children, etc.

What really annoys me is how most women gave to work now as one salary is not enough to live on. Women should be able to choose to stay at home with their children but they're almost forced back to work as soon as the baby is born. What's the point of having children when you never get to see them or bring them up?

In what universe is teaching a rubbish job where you earn pocket money? That's such an insult both to teachers and some of the rest of us earning a minimum wage but none the less doing the best for their families.
Welcome to the real world!
I very much respect teachers, it's a good, worthy career and the money isn't terrible.

"Women should be able to choose to stay at home with their children but they're almost forced back to work as soon as the baby is born."

I don't think that's true re the UK. Surely you got a pretty decent period of paid mat leave (during which time the taxpayer was still topping up your pension)?

I think the issue is you don't really want to work at all. If that's true it's odd you stayed so long in a job you think it's so hard.

Well you’ve lost me with that response.

do you honestly think parents who work, don’t bring their children up? That’s a pretty offensive view.

It seems the real issue is that you’d prefer not to work at all. Despite being as well qualified as your husband (you presumably both have degrees and post grad qualifications) you see it as his responsibility to earn and think it’s unfair that you have to.

it’s also utter rubbish that women are forced back to work almost as soon as their baby is born. maternity leave can be a year long. The majority of it paid. With the option of transferable leave to the father. That’s way better than at any time in history. I’m nearing retirement so I guess I’m older than you yet I feel decades younger in my outlook and attitudes. I would never have expected my dh to be sole earner; I’m as well qualified and capable as him and I think it’s an awful attitude to see your partner and equal parent to your children as a cash machine who ought to be providing you with a big house and an easy life style which you aren’t prepared to fund yourself.

I know teaching is hard work and I salute anyone who does it in today’s education system. But the people I know who work the hardest are people who start and grow their own businesses. The risk is huge (most small businesses fail) and the safety net is non-existent. You never switch off and you have to juggle so much. You are ultimately responsible for everything and everyone. Most entrepreneurs create something from nothing. They aren’t taking from anyone else. It’s not a zero sum game. His wealth does not impact on your financial situation at all. You had and still have the option to start a business.
There is so much security in a public sector job and so much you take for granted. Your friend’s husband may have worked himself into the ground to build his business, all while employing staff and paying significant tax, tax which helps pay the pensions of public sector employees.
I suspect your friend’s husband has earned the fruits of his labour. I think this is just knee-jerk envy -a total waste of emotion and headspace. You are not seeing the sacrifices the friend’s husband (and possibly even the friend) has made to get to this point.

Most people I know are only getting 3% contribution from their employers, and not may can make up the difference themselves.

But presumably you didn’t go into teaching for the money?

What did you get out of your career?

If you didn’t enjoy it why didn’t you change careers for something less stressful, or better paid?

You can’t blame this on your husband. Up to you to make your life how you want it.

Most people who have money from their jobs (rather than inheritance etc) have made deliberate choices to get them to that point. They’ve strategically planned careers, pensions etc. It doesn’t often happen by accident.

I have had many ups and downs in my life, butI have never understood envy or jealousy. Life is what it is. Be happy with your lot.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Be grateful for what you have and move on x

What's the point of having children when you never get to see them or bring them up?

Why does this not apply equally to the dad though? You are only 57 and you are sprouting backward sexist views that I wouldn't even expect to hear from 80 year olds these days.

Can I remind you OP that if you and your husband are both teachers then you both work approximately 40 wks per year and both have around 12 weeks off per year so you will have a) saved on childcare b) never had to work weekends or bank holidays and c) accepted that you will earn significantly less than someone that only has 5/6 wks off per year.You can’t have it every way,I know as I chose to stay in a very low paid job in education when I became a single parent BUT I was fortunate enough to be able to make that choice and I have to accept the consequences and so do you.