AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

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Well I don't think all teachers say this. My best friend and her husband are both heads of department in a very large secondary - they both earn around £60k. So £120k household income - they are pretty comfortable and have amazing holidays and trips. If you are Assistant/Deputy/Head in a large school you can earn really good money. Primary doesn't pay as well but certainly all the secondary teachers I know seem to have no money worries and a decent standard of living

I think this is a very superficial way of looking at your husband.
Having a large house and a lot of money does not equal or guarantee happiness.
My husband and I are both in a similar position to yourselves earning wise and I am never envious of others because we are happy how we are.
We aren’t well off but comfortable .
There are others likely worse off than you do just be happy with your lot.

Very well said.

I had a friend who's extremely jealous of everything that I had. And for everything that I had which she didn't, she thought it's because I was lucky and relying on someone else to provide that for me.

She went from giving all those backhanded compliments over small things about me that she paid inproportionally and unnecessary attention to, to being blatantly spiteful ever since my DH and I moved to a nicer bigger apartment than hers. She started to say things like "it's so good that you don't have to work, you can sleep in every day, and have all the freedom to do whatever you want, or simply do nothing when you don't feel like it, because you don't have rent and bills to pay. Unlike me, I work so hard and I never stop working because I share rent and bills with my husband. My life is so hard you will never understand. "

She said it like I was a freerider, completely ignoring the fact that I was working as a freelancer for many years (she never made belittling comments about it before I moved) , making money on my own, and never asked my DH for money. It's just when she chose to be competitive and resentful, she started to think and even said it to my face that "working as a freelancer isn't really working", "you are only doing it for hobby", "you are only making "pocket money" to buy nice things for yourself". But in order to retain clients and earn more, I sometimes work multiple projects at the same time, working more than 12 hrs a day or till 4am... She never thought about it when she's sleeping at 4am I was still working, she only talked about how she got up for work at 6am but I could "be lazy and sleep in". But who would work that hard "just for hobby", would you?

I told her that if she thought it's so easy and fun, she could try become a freelancer herself (of course she couldn't because it actually requires skills, reputation and connections you spent years to build to become one). I bet she never worked as much and as hard, as she had a 9 to 5 job. Of course this was never really the point. She's just not happy that my husband bought a nicer apartment, and she couldn't accept that I had better things/life than she did. So she tried to put me down by trivialising everything I did, and to make me feel like I didn't deserve it because I didn't earn it myself. She kept saying things like this for a few years, until I couldn't do it anymore and cut ties with her, but then she said I was the heartless and petty one who got mad at her over small things...

@TheAngryPuxie OP, I think you're envy so you are just venting here and at least you didn't purposefully said it out loud at her face, like what my friend did. But you're only choosing something to be envy at and you're not taking the whole package. You don't know the hard parts she has to deal with and the sacrifice she has to make every day, I bet there are some. If you keep thinking and comparing this way, you'll never be happy. And you can't feel happy for your friend either. Then maybe you look for some other friends who are "not living a better life" to make you feel better?

I am a little older than you (64) and have been retired since I was 59. My husband was never particularly ambitious, neither was I and I always put the children first, so worked locally part time to be there for them as they grew up. However, on our modest income we were able to afford holidays abroad and a decent lifestyle and had paid off our mortgage before we reached our 60s. It's tempting to look at other people's homes and lifestyles and feel envious, but it's really not good for your mental health to feel this way. Life is what you make it as another poster said. I'm sure you'll find in retirement that you have more than enough to live on - with two state pensions plus two teachers pensions you should be very comfortable! So just enjoy what you have achieved together over the years. The best things in life are free after all! 🙂

Hmm no you are being disingenuous.
Your pension at part time , say 0.5 will be around 12,000 pa.
Husbands full time plus ups1 will be around 25,000
Plus state pension makes an annual pension of £62,000
This is in the top 6% (ish) of uk pensions.

You have a house you dont have to downsize to live in in your retirement. Nor do you have to sell it and buy an annuity with the capital to live on as do some business owners.

Some of us, even around your age, are the main breadwinners in their family, or made sacrifices to earn more money- like sucking it up when small children were little or not going part time or doing things they didn't particularly enjoy because they earned more money. You should have known for years that your household income wasn't the same as your friends and, if it bothered you, made adjustments accordingly. You and your husband work as a team so you should have made decisions as a team.

One of my DDs massively out earns her big brother. Brother couldn't be more proud of her.

There are always those worse off and those better off, comparison is the thief of joy. Be happy with what you have or change it

Comparison is the thief of joy

Say people who are totally minted.

Then maybe work a bit harder then to get minted

You can work all you want but if you're on min wage due to anxiety, low self esteem, depression and so never able to climb the ladder (despite having qualifications) then you're a bit snookered!!!

Then you don't get to complain about your partner not making loads of money for you.
Can't have it both ways

I didn't....(complain)

Yes. Some people put more effort into their jobs than others.

But these ARE choices you made. I'm recently retired, after teaching for 42 years. There was no paid maternity leave when each of my four children were born. I went back to work full time when each child was 6 weeks old.

I've also been told how 'lucky' I am to be retired. It wasn't luck, it was age, hard work and saving for retirement.

You say you can't work full time and manage a home, family and children, but I did, with juggling and elderly mother who needed help too. I'm also her only child, so that all fell to me. I'm not superwoman, but for many years I was just bloody tired! It's certainly not easy. When they were little, I'd do my marking and planning once they went to bed, but the time they were in high school, I'd stay at school until 5:30 each day to get things done.

You chose the time with your children, it was important to you (it was also important to me, so I had to make every minute of the weekend and after school my family time), you did things your way. It doesn't sound like you would trade that time with your children and that's absolutely your right, it's only that now you are also seeing exactly what you traded it for, a number of years still working before you can also retire.

You and your DH have private pensions of £30K, added to your state pensions will be a household income of £55K. That is a very healthy income once DCs are grown up and you’ve got no mortgage, and no longer need to amass savings or pension contributions each month.

You knew your husband was a teacher when you married him, you know what the pay scale is like. Earning £44,000 is not bad , my partner was a civil servant and retired in 2018 on less than £30,000- but I knew from the start he was not going to be a high earner, as you did.
I worked in the City briefly , and I would have married a trader or a corporate lawyer if a retirement like you describe was a priority.
You can't just decide at 57 that you should have married differently/earned more- you made those choices and you will have to live with them- I suggest you get different friends and stop focussing on what others have.

Yeah but you can't always "just decide to marry a lawyer".....you don't click with everyone and I know people who would've loved children but never found "the one" so not always that easy.....
A lot of things seem to be luck imo

I agree with so many here, women like you ruin the fight for equality, as everyone has said - what has stopped you from earning more or being more ambitious? If your moan after what I assume is a long time together, is money. I went after money in my career, as I didn't know when or if I was going to get married and now out earn my husband by multiple, but originally it was to have my own financial independence. If I wanted a nice life I knew I was going to have to earn and pay for it myself, so like the Little Red Hen I did. I also have financial security if we were ever to split up, I kept my career after getting married and having kids as there was no way Inwas going to depend on or be beholden to any man in my life and I say that as someone who loves her DH dearly. We can't all have what we want in life, v few do, and even fewer get to not work and have an envious lifestyle provided to them by another person. If after all your years together your complaint is about money, then you are luckier than most, it could death, illness, infidelity or divorce..... that rich man might have run off with a much younger woman who also fancies a life paid for by another person.

That's easy for you to say.
Some people have depression or chronic fatigue so find it hard to climb the ladder.
Some are so introverted or shy or never seem to fit in, so again are unable to get the top jobs as they can't banter the same way others can.
..it's not that bloody easy for everyone so stop being so judgemental 😠

The OP doesn’t mention any of that for herself. And it could be equally true for a man.

Are you 120?