Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

Yes absolutely would definitely consider this, don’t let the” this isn’t the norm” or mum guilt put you off at the end of the day if it’s in his best interest and what he wants then now maybe the time to consider!

Wow. So much to unpack. Did I understand this right? Why would your ex and new wife proudly tell a 10 year old they give you £100 a month, when that's f all. And your exH actually gives you even less. It sounds like you've given up OP, and that's a shame but maybe understandable in the face of such total BS. If your son was a bit older, id be tempted to counter that with a factual list of the actual bills to explain why you might not have all that very impressive amount of child maintenance kicking around at the end of the month.

Do you think that would be in the best interest of your DS?

Your anger is justified, but there are better ways of dealing with the situation. Go to CMS, find out how much he should be paying.

Don't use your son as a pawn

@randomchap this is through CMS. I think he does cash in hand work also but no way of proving it. This isn't using DS as a pawn either - the opposite I would say.

Wow, his Dad shouldn't be lying to his DS and telling him how much he pays in maintenance especially making up it's far more than it is. £60 a month is nothing. I'd chat to DS and point out with you he gets all your love and attention. If he lived with his Dad he'd only get a bit of his attention because his Dad has other DC living there as well. His time and attention would have to be shared between all the dc. Is there even room for your DS to live there most of the time? I'd point out living with you he has his own room at his Dad's he might have to share a room. I suppose you could give it a trial over the summer break and see how it goes. If it works for you all then you'd have to pay maintenance to your ex to care for your DS. If you trialled over the summer holidays your DS might appreciate you more when he does see you.

@Grannywithnoplanny Yep they are proud of the £100 it seems. DS doesn't realise how much things cost. He just knows when he goes to his dads, he has nike stuff there and there are other kids there so he has more fun which I can acknowledge. I think I have given up. I love DS but maybe I should be the fun parent now and can focus on my career which has had to revolve around DS for 10 years. I'm sad but I've had to ask myself, what am I fighting for. His dad will care for him although doesn't care much for education. His wife is nice and seems like a good much. His dad wants to replace my role with DS and seems DS wants that too.

No, I really don’t think this is a good idea.

do you and your son not enjoy time together? He loves you and sending him to his dad sends a message you don’t want him!

show him what £60 buys and don’t stand for a rude response! Explain things to him. Why does dad get 3/4 weekends, this leaves you with more drudge time and less fun time.

children thrive on 1:1 time and family time and in a family with 4 other children in the household you can’t tell me he’d get that there.

be loving, consistent, make time to do fun things together. He is still so young if just finishing year 5. Don’t give up on him due to pressure and performance parenting by his dad. It wouldn’t be like that if he lived there full time

If he lives with his dad can you afford the cm that you'll then have to pay?

Your 10 year old son was rude to you so you’re thinking of telling him he should live with his dad? Have I misunderstood?

Yes I did this. Let my 12year old DD move to live with her dad. Only after 2 years of her begging me, culminating in her making suicide attempts and extensive self harming. I was desperate to see her happy again and had tried everything else I could think of.

I wish I hadn't done it. After a honeymoon period she is now the same with him, and self harming worse than ever. She's clearly ND but her dad won't let her have the autism assessment she was about to have before she moved to his, as he doesn't believe in "that sort of thing." I miss her and I'm powerless to help her.

OP I am currently experiencing the same issue. My son has chosen his dad over me as he blamed me for divorcing and buying his dad out of the marital house. He is quite happy to text me when he wants something but refused to greet me or have conversations with me in his dad presence.

I am come to realise that is time to let go but I will be here should he decide to come back to me. I refuse to be a doormat to his dad and him so mutual respect is non negotiable from now. However, that doesn't minimise the pain I feel when I reminiscing the time we spent together. He was a lovely boy and we were so close.

For now I have redirected my energy to look after myself and mental growth. You should try focusing on your own well/being and career.

Did you say that he's already staying at his dad's more than at yours, at least of late?
In which case how come he's still paying you CMS?
(Though I might have misunderstood..!)

If you genuinely believe it's in his best interests then, yes, of course.

If you're saying this because you're pissed off with the situation/feeling under valued then, obviously, no.

You could look to move to a more 50/50 arrangement before resorting to packing him off to his Dad's and only seeing him every other weekend.

It's normal for children that age to be impressed by designer labels and talk of money and so on. That doesn't mean he loves his dad any more than he loves you, it just means he's a child, his brain isn't fully developed and he doesn't understand what he's talking about. You're at real risk of punishing your child and yourself when the person you really want to punish is your ex.

You misunderstood

No his home is with you

he feels safe this is why he can be rude and know you will be there he can play up and you will stlll be giving him your attention (and it’s not shared)

I have been upset a number of times with ds preferring his dad and been reminded that his dad does most things better 🙄 we can joke about it now ds is 17

It’s often unsettling for children to go back and forth and it’s one parent that deals with this the parent that is always there (often the boring parent the least fun parent)

and its ok to feel sad and frustrated about this too I have at time felt like you are feeling I think many single parents have

You would lose child benefit and also could have a child maintenance claim, so you need to think financially about any decision too

You seem very flat and surrendered to all this. Was he abusive?

I think before rushing into this you should try and change your current custody arrangement so you get more weekends with your son. Of course he sees dad as "the fun parent" because he's with you during the week for all the boring stuff, but then has big fun family weekends with his dad.

You both need a balance of boring Monday to Friday parenting and fun weekends too, especially if you're working in the week as well. Could you mix things up a bit and see if that helps? Something like a 2-2-5-5 schedule could make a massive difference.

Can you slowly increase the time that he spends at dads? He may not feel the same once he has been there longer (and he may appreciate you more 💜) Then exDH will be the one to buy bulk of his food, the uniforms etc and he may also appreciate or at least understand what you have done so far on £60 💗 )
I would try to avoid the situation where DS is moving with uncertainty between the two of you. Fairly normal behaviour on your DS part. A tough call for you but either way you can have a good relationship with him ( and maybe more spare cash to treat him when he stays at yours?)

You sound defeated and a bit sad.

It's really normal for 10 year olds to be cheeky and ungrateful occasionally. I don't think it would be detrimental if he were to go live with his dad BUT, and I realise I'm an outlier here, I genuinely think children are best cared for by their mothers because women put their kids first but men put themselves first.

I'd take some time to really think about it first and discuss with your DS what he'd prefer to do. But ultimately, if it works for you then go for it.

So many people think the Mum should always have their kids the majority of the time and "abandon" them if they don't.

We have a blended family where my DC and DW's DC2 live with us, but her DC1 lives with their Dad. She actually posted on here years ago when she was considering it because she had depression due to his behaviour and wasn't coping and got massively flamed. However, five years later it works amazingly for us and we thoroughly enjoy having her DC1 here each holiday/half term etc.

This! My DH and his ex have 50:50 but it’s a split fortnight where both have seven nights and it’s a mixture of weekend nights and week nights. This avoids either of them acting as the Disney parent. It’s easy to prefer Dad when he’s doing all the fun and you’ve got the rubbish end of it!

No I would not do that. You have a bad deal - none of the weekends and just the more boring, mundane days. I would change that if I could, and do some fun stuff with your son. Invite one of his friends along if it will make it more enjoyable for him. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. My son just wanted to go to the skate park all the time at that age. And your son doesn’t need to live with his dad for him to buy him Nike clothes - he could do that anyway. As for the £60 - it goes nowhere. My son was away recently and my electricity bill went down £25 for the month because he wasn’t using his gaming set up. And they eat loads.

We live 1 hr away so can't really do 50/50 as his dad wouldn't do the school drops offs/pick ups. He's never done a school run for DS before.

This isn't me punishing DS for being rude, DS has expressed that he misses his dad when not with him and has more fun with him.

Re child benefit - I'd give this up, it's not much and I wouldn't need it if I didn't have DS. CMS is a bit trickier - I'm self employed. In all honestly, I'd be tempted to give his dad a taste of his own medicine and try to get away with paying as little as possible.

I want what's best for DS and I'm questioning if that's me - this is likely what his dad wants.

I could spend more weekends with DS but we have a court order and I agreed to 3/4 weekends because he has more fun there.