Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

Op, I know you're hurt and feeling low but honestly, be a solid, calm quiet rock for your ds.

Explain the errors of understanding he's going to come out with (e.g. the amount of money your ex gives you for him) and keep constant.

Your ds could of course live with his dad but he will regret it.

Don't underestimate how important you are.

I think sleeping on it is a good idea.

If you do want to move towards your ex having him full time than the first thing is to ask his dad. If dad doesn't want him it's a none starter.

Honestly I would, then I would just work on my relationship so that you can have a nice adult relationship when he's older.

I assume that DS is an only child, as am I.

I would be amazed if he could tolerate living in a house with FOUR other children, one only 5, and two adults, after growing up with the peace and quiet of your home. I only have two children and still find the noise level on the verge of being intolerable at times.

Is it possible that some of the mum's three children aren't there on the weekends he goes, because they're with their own dad?

He only gives you £60 a month?? Sit your son down and break down the bills each month: utilities, mortgage/rent, council tax, food etc. Show him that £60 doesn't go far at all.

This. Please don’t underestimate the importance of you to your DS. He is being told information that he should never be privy to. Your ex has no place to be discussing finances with his 10 year old son.

Yes, it’s not an ideal situation for you but don’t allow your ex to manipulate you and DS like this.

Your DS is too young to be able to fully understand what is happening.

Also, can you honestly say that you would be ok with such little contact?

He needs you so much, and wherever he’s living he will continue to need you. You seem incredibly reasonable to me. I hope you feel better in the morning

OP, many years ago I gave into my 12 year DD crying and begging to live with her dad. We had moved away, something she was initially on board with, but then struggled with. Her dad wouldn't be the bigger person and encourage her to stick with it and had his new gf phoning telling her it was awful that we'd moved and she'd buy her x,y and z if she moved to them.
My DS, 8, (different father) had an accident and PTSD and I was managing that but he really wanted to stay where we were and I didn't want to upset him further, and my DD was really playing up for months that she should be able to have a turn living with her dad. DS's dad was abusive which is why I'd left him, and was constantly telling me I was a terrible mother, part of the move had been to get behind his reach.

I hated the idea of her going to her dad but it seemed reasonable that they should get a turn together.

I let her go for the summer to see if she liked it there and then she got registered at school and stayed and came to me for school holidays. It tore me apart and I was miserable every day without her, not to mention the impact on her brother. Later I came to feel that my daughter was manipulated away from me. But she said she was happy and this is what she wanted and we talked or texted every day. Down the line it turned out things weren't too good but she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to admit it.

Fast forward 20 years, out of the blue she has suddenly frozen me out, and from what I can gather it's because she is angry with me for allowing her to go and live with her dad, she now feels that I should have put my foot down and not given into the pressure.

I feel that I put my own happiness aside and had to live without my daughter to do what I thought was best for her, and now I'm suddenly being punished for choosing the wrong option. She deals with difficult things by freezing people out, and now it's my turn and it's agony.

Don't do it. Your DS maybe needs boundaries that this is home and you are his mum and that's where he lives. He may be angry, push against you and resent you but this is probably just teen stuff. Stand strong and don't go into a situation that down the line he may be angry with you and feel like you gave up on him.

Good luck.

This!

This is a positive way of putting it without criticising his dad. I absolutely wouldn’t let your ds live with his dad full time. I would try and vary the custody order so that you have 2 weekends and your ex does a school run. So what if he lives an hour away. He isn’t stepping up as a parent right now. Your ds is just mixing in with the other kids. I bet his new wife is doing a lot of the work.

Why do you barely have any weekend time together? No wonder you don’t have fun together if you don’t have the spare time a available together.
kids are a nightmare especially at that age and onwards. It will get worse.
I wouldn’t allow him to go. Can you or have you spoken with his dad re the CMS comments? Does he think that if he moves in with his dad the CMS you pay will go straight to his account for a bike t-shirt? You want to jeopardise your relationship with your own son over Nike?

Time to have a serious talk with your DS Op. He needs to learn that you do not have as much money to spend as his (disney) dad does and that has nothing to do with love. If he really wants to move to his dad and you're fine with it, why not? Matbe he will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Bless you. She is blaming the wrong person. Had you insisted she stayed with you, she could have frozen you out for that. Has she frozen her dad out?

This is such a sad read. Your hurt is so evident. I'm so sorry your exH has been so disrespectful to you.

Your boy only has one mum. No-one can ever replace you. It sounds like your relationship needs some work and you need to have some quality time together, not just you doing the hard slog during the week. The court agreement does not sound like it can work for you as you get too little of his free time.

Could you address this imbalance? It is in everyone's best interests that your boy is happy. I think you should talk to him about his attitude and that it's hurtful. He's not too young to be considering others' feelings. Don't allow him to disrespect feelings like his dad does.

I don't doubt for a second that he loves you. Focus on reconnection with your boy. I am really very sure that you would regret him moving out. That sounds like a recipe for lifelong hurt.

OP I can only imagine how hurt you must feel by all of this but it doesn't sound like living with his dad is in your son's best interests.

Regarding the money, I would start really sharing how much everything costs with your DS. Tell him in advance that this is what you are doing. Say, "I'm not doing this to be annoying, it's just that you're ten years old and you don't understand how long it takes to earn £60 and how quickly it is spent. Come with me to the supermarket. I've just done a food shop for you and me, all the food we need for the next week, plus toilet rolls and washing up liquid and so on, and it's come to £X. Let's go to McDonald's, oh look it cost £X. Your school trousers are too short, you need new ones, let's see how much they cost, look it's £X. And then I pay £X per month for the internet and £X per month for electricity. How much does that all come to in total? You see? £60 really doesn't go far. Now which Nike hoodie is it that you want? Let's see how much that is? Well that's more than £60 to start with. See, you think £60 is a lot of money but it's really not. The amount that it actually costs me to make sure you are fed and warm and clothed is actually more like £X, and that's before spending any money on fun stuff. I don't begrudge spending money on you because you're my son and I love you, but I would like you to be a little bit more appreciative."

And as hard as it is, I would keep being the non fun parent.

Right now he's 10 years old. He's nearly secondary school age. Be honest with yourself. If he carries on living with you, rather than with his dad and stepmum who have four other children to take care of and don't care much about school, is he more likely to succeed? Is he more likely to do his homework? More likely to fulfil his potential? More likely to get a good job as an adult? Or more like to waste his life smoking weed with no hopers and playing video games?

Please don't give up on your son just because you don't get to be the fun parent.

And by the way, you still won't be the fun parent even if you let him live with his dad. Because it sounds like his dad still won't be the responsible parent and you will find yourself having to try and make up for his lax parenting, with only every other weekend to have an influence.

Don't give up on your son. You'll regret it later.

Absolutely this.

I am also a single parent to a son. And from the age of 10 is when my son started to be obsessed with labels and question why he couldn't have things, and was generally pretty self centred and quite unpleasant towards ne at times. It was a phase we had to ride out together, so I would caution against any knee jerk reactions.

Will he get himself to secondary school.
If the other family DCs spend their spare time gaming I can see how this would appeal. And I don't see how you can compete with that - though imv it's not good for a 10 year old.
I can't help feeling that living with 4 other dcs will have friction.
Could you move nearer the secondary school?
Do the DH and step mother actually want him much more? I'd be surprised if they (she) did. Extra cooking etc

Lots to think about here but please don't move him in Year 6. In Year 6 they need stability for SATs and stability of existing friendships for a meaningful final year of primary school.

Making him start a new school in Y6 is cruel. He would be starting again in Y7 at secondary - wait another year and do this plan then if you still feel it.

This.

Find a way to have two weekends a month with your son and have some fun!

If he’s going to go in a couple of years anyway, I don’t see why not.

How have you come to the conclusion that's nearly 50/50.

Take 4.5 weeks per month.

The OP 4.5 days of weekdays so about 23 days.

Dad is doing 6 weekend days.

OP is doing the other 2 - so 25 days compared to 6 most months except where she does half holidays.

OP what do you think will be best long term? If you honestly think your ds will be happy with the arrangement it's fine. But think careful about once he starts secondary school - will he honestly want to be 1 hour away from his friends 3/4 weekends and come to you?

I'd maybe look at a different arrangement - perhaps train to dads Friday evening after school and then back to yours after school on Monday.

So closer to 50/50 in that respect and perhaps look at weekends more closely. Of course he gets more Funtime currently with dad - it's the weekend.

I wouldn't as I suspect he'll still try and screw you over with CMS unless you can hide as much income as he has but more importantly, because you're playing straight into his hands.
As soon as you give up custody and your son gets older, it will be a case of "He doesn't have to see you. It's his choice", zero co-parenting and more poisoning of the well, broached in "He's got his friends here" is busy, is settled etc
You won't become a Disney mum by default. You'll end up in court fighting to see him. It's not a risk I'd take personally.

I’d be worried about losing the little control you currently have. What if his Dad decided he can’t be arsed to drive him to your contact time. Or if his Dad starts to say DS can’t be bothered/doesn’t want to see you on your agreed weekend? You risk losing all contact or being forced to fight for it. Oh and don’t forget your ex will probably start with “your mum didn’t want you anymore” type comments as soon as he leaves yours.

Personally I wouldn’t instigate this. It’s not worth the risk.

OP it's so hard isn't it when you are working and trying to do the best you can and it feels like no one appreciates you.
Look, it's a tough one with no easy answer. Maybe doing more in the holiday is the answer and you already said he's going to a secondary half way.
So maybe don't change schools for the moment but do at least get him to spend more time there and work to 50 50 for secondary.
The other option is speak to ex and see what he says. Just tell him that DS was talking about the money side and ask him straight, do you want to have DS majority of the time ? Because if you do then we can work to that and that will mean school runs and all the chores ? But if you don't then you will need to be more supportive or DS will end up unhappy.

It’s definitely something to consider if you truly believe your DS would be better off but my dc would much prefer to live with their dad because he is the ultimate Disney dad e.g new toys and days out almost every time they see him, McDonalds for nearly every meal.
No structure at home- no bed time, no toothbrushing or washing and unrestricted screen time. So I know the best thing for them is to live with me as long as I can keep them here so I wouldn’t willingly agree to letting him become the resident parent even if it’s want my dc think they want.