Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

can you (imagine)live with that?really?

So 3/4 weekends he's already at his dad's and he has him half the holidays! Sounds a good dad to me. Instead of berating him for poisoning your son maybe look at rebuilding up your own relationship with your ds. I'm guessing you only get £60/£100 because your ex has him nearly 50:50. But you're not happy with that, you want him up there the whole holidays! Sounds like SM has been doing a good job with your ds despite having her hands full with 4 children already and you want to add to that by sending your ONE child up there too because he's been a bit rude to you. Well done. He's 10, you are perfectly able to get your career back on track already with one 10 year old and have most weekends child free to relax. Sorry but you have no idea how lucky you are with your ex. Some parents get no help and no money from an ex.

What would an ideal scenario look like to you? What do you need? Do you have a support network? What do you want the next few years to look like for you?
What do you believe is the right thing for your son?

There is nothing wrong with the father being the resident parent. But unless your son is requesting this, I would not do it. You risk him feeling he has been sent away and you do not want him.
If he does want to spend more time there, then fine, agree to that. But your ex will have to do school runs as well.

I think you will regret it if you do this

@SummertimeMadness24 don't be stupid. 3 weekends out of 4 is nowhere near 50/50. OP is doing 4 weeks out of 4 for weekdays. Those are the hard slog days with kids. Weekends are the fun part.

@SummertimeMadness24 it's not just one case of rude, DS has expressed he wants to be with his dad more. Read through my post again- I've not said his dad isn't a good dad - nor have I said I want more money from him.
In regards to the poisoning comment I made, I noticed over the last year or so that when DS would come home after being at his, he would have an attitude and be a bit distance. I've had many issues with his dad over the years which have only gotten better since court. His dad would speak to me with no respect and criticise anything he could. DS idolises his dad like most boys do.

I think I need to sleep on this and see how I feel tomorrow. I am feeling hurt and worn down and questioning if there is any need for me when his other family can provide it all, it seems.

@avrielFinch you clearly missed the part about having them half the holidays as well as 3/4 weekends. I'm also guessing CMS is reduced because he has 4 other children in his household to support (they take this into account).
OP obviously there is a need for you, you are his mother. No-one can replace that. But you can't give up just because he's been a bit rude and you are feeling fed up. He's 10, he will get more challenging in his teens. Be empathetic and have your own fun together. Be there for him and don't take it so personally. You are the grown up, he's just a child. Don't push him away, he may never come back.

They can't provide his mum. He only has one and that's you.

How fun will his dad be (and step family) if he lives there full time?

If anything, I’d be pushing for two weekends a month so you can both do things together and enjoy yourselves.

You are his mother. Don’t relinquish your responsibilities just to appease your child. Children don’t always know what’s in their best interests.

My ds voted with his feet when he was 14, went to his dad's for part of the school holidays & never came back for a year when I got a phone call from him begging to come home. He had realised that the grass wasn't greener there, he had to do half the things I did for him for himself.

I agree with PP’s that his Dad is getting most of the fun time with your DS, whereas you mainly have to do the boring get him to school/ensure homework is done, etc. part.

Obviously your DS doesn’t understand that. I’m also thinking how the dynamic may change when your DS goes to secondary next year. I have a feeling that he’ll start enjoying having his own space at home and that his friends may start to take priority. He may not be as interested in spending time with much younger siblings. This is all perfectly normal teenage behavior as they start forming their own identities outside the family unit.

Plus his education is important and you say that his Dad isn’t very interested in education generally. Your DS will need a parent’s support as he starts to make decisions that will have lasting consequences.

i’d try to ride this difficult period out, OP, as things could look very different in a couple of years.

If he’s poisoning ds against you he’s NOT a good dad and if his wife is supporting then she’s a bad stepmum too.
I’d reassure ds how much I loved him, that my job didn’t bring in as much money as his dad’s but that’s common for women who have to take career breaks and make work fit around children, while your dad didn’t. Then I’d take ds through the household costs. This week I bought petrol, you came to the shops with me remember and that was £50 and that’s your dad’s financial contribution used up, but I guess we still need to eat for the next 21 days. No wonder he has money for Nikes. If I gave him 60 a month for all your costs I could buy you Nikes too to be honest. I’m sorry you’re getting these mixed messages but you’re a smart boy and you can add up. I hope you know I love you so much and would do anything for you.

For you, it would be better. For your son it would probably be worse, over time. He'll always be second best and vying for attention and they sound like selfish game playing twits. And even though you won't be abandoning him you'll be accused of that too. Think hard about this.

And PLEASE don't make the mistake of not telling him truths about his snake father. You can be factual and honest about his father's behaviour, at the very minimum keep a diary of his shit behaviour. I have a friend whose daughter sided with her lying abusive father because my friend tried to shield her from the truth. It ended up in chaos because he of course showed his true colours after she flounced off to live with him.

Lying to kids about bad and selfish behaviour by parents is not kind, so long as you're not constantly complaining or using a kid as a therapist or bff, being factual about their behaviours is kinder long term.

I suppose it depends what you want to do with your life.
I'm not into the whole women must surrender everything at the alter of motherhood.
I feel absolutely sucked dry by single motherhood and maybe your DS would appreciate you more if he got his £100/£60 child support from you and went to live with his Dad.
Maybe you could do more of the things you enjoy, DS doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind unless he tries living at his Dads.

But do you your ex is bluffing? Would he actually take your DS on?

If you can bear it for the year, swap the court order so you have him for the weekends and do all the fun stuff and pay the same as he pays then do it.

It won't do your son any harm to spend a year living there but it sounds like it could do more damage if he continues to stay with you. You aren't neglecting him or loving him any less by giving yourself a mental health break and letting him live with his dad when he wants to.

Be prepared for dad to say no though. Just make it clear to your son that you are going to make the plans for him to stay with his dad so if his dad says no that's in his dad to explain to him and not you, and he does it in front of you.

Honestly op , I think it's a bad idea. You say that his father has never done a school run , and has another child , but he probably doesn't have a huge clue about the real day to day stuff as I'd put money on his wife doing those tasks. She will probably do the grunt work for your son if he lives there. Your ex , it seems , has no idea about the realities caring for a child.

I could've done what you're considering when my son was young , as he was a cheeky little so and so , thought his dad was the best thing since sliced bread , and had all of the treats at dad's place. I didn't though as I didn't think it was in my son's best interests. I'm not judging mothers that make the decision you're considering , I just think that your son would potentially suffer in this situation.

Also , why does your son have Nike stuff at his dad's but not at yours? Is your son not allowed to bring his belongings where he pleases? That's really bizarre.

Let him go. We mother's give up EVERYTHING. focus on yourself for a while and let Jim see how living with his father actually is.

Absolutely give him a taste of his own medicine. Make sure you pay £60 as well.

At 10 he is old enough to understand income and outgoings at a basic level so show him it all - and give him an option to have the £60 but some things now become his responsibility- clothes, hobbies and help him make a budget/ plan for them.

As for him living with his dad, I can't advise but with dc of similar age I am definitely feeling the pull away starting which is a little bit heartbreaking but normal and maybe what is happening here. You're getting it about dad, I'm getting it about such and such's parent who is clearly more generous, fun, relaxed than me. The grass does always seem to be greener

There’s middle ground up the time he spends at his dads

if it’s any consolation I cringe now I can remember as a kid demanding the family allowance money off my mum as it was my money

No.

Your ds needs to stay with you. For balance and to understand that material things are not the most important thing at all.

Also when he's older and needs to study, the quiet and calm at yours will be ideal.

Plus you said his father doesn't value education so there won't be much support there at GCSE time etc.

He hasn't actually said he wants to live with his dad, had he? He might feel very hurt and rejected if you suggest he does.

I would tell him you love him. You can't afford the same things his dad does but you're his mum and you love him. That is the most important thing. Truly.

Those of you suggesting that the op approve her son living with his father full time are forgetting one very simple thing - she might not be able to hand over £60pm as a cms calculation might have her pay more. Not that this is about the money , but you're not being practical and realistic at all.