Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

What I've done in the past when I felt a child was getting a bit materialistic/ ungrateful was flatter them by saying they were old enough and more importantly mature enough now to start being prepared for adult independence so I would share with them the household budget etc. Full income including amount taken for tax and NI ( always a shock when you explain this), council tax, all utilities bills, food etc etc. 'That's what it costs to run a house'.

'You're smart - anything you think we could change/ economise on / save for ? Eg would you like to see if you can research cheaper utilities etc - if so, I may split the difference with you!etc'

Additionally I'd speak to the school and ask what form of financial education they have coming up - banks etc will often visit schools.

Maybe also address the developing misogyny as a matter of priority. Harder nut to crack.

Stop making excuses. If it's not ok for a man to 'consider' it then it equally bad for a mother to say the same thing. Even worse that she's only 'considering' using her kid as a pawn just to get back at her ex. Her feelings about he ex have got nothing to do with her son.

It’s not an excuse. The father pays £60 a month towards his 10 year old. The mother has the majority of the care. There is never any reason for the child to be involved in these discussions. It’s downright cruel.

There are 11 weeks school holidays. So out of 52 weeks the father has then 5.5 weeks of school holidays. During school weeks the mother has the son for 29 weeks and the father for 10 weeks.
The father has the son 30% of the time. The mother 70% of the time. So no not nearly half and half. She also has to do all the hard daily graft while he gets the fun parts.

The courts ask a child's opinion, they do not let a child decide. That is very different.

@AvrielFinch 13 weeks school holidays actually. Also it's impossible to work out exactly because OP has said dad has ds 3/4 weekends a month. How this vagueness has been written into a court order I have no idea as they normally have to be specific.
Also how OP "knew" her ds would have more fun at his dad's when drawing up the court order is interesting as they've been split since ds was 18 months old. I suspect we're being given a very one-sided version of events tbh.

Yes so they give a 10 year old an input. What are you arguing about?

@SummertimeMadness24 The OP has been very clear that the son has in more recent times spent more time with his dad because he enjoys it more there. She also says she knows because her son tells her.
3/4 means he spends three weekends out of 4 at his fathers.
All schools funded by the Local Authority are required to provide 190 days, 39 weeks, of education during the school year. This is usually split into morning and afternoon sessions.

They do not let a child decide which is what you implied. The courts may go totally against the opinion of a child.

I said an input not that they let a child decide. What's difficult to understand about that?

You were replying to another poster who said he is not olde enough to decide where he lives as he is only 10. You said the courts think children that age are old enough.
Its fine though. You are now accepting that children at 10 do not decide where they live. The adults decide that.

@AvrielFinch you do know there's approx 52 weeks in a year? So 52-39 is 13 weeks of school holidays.
The OP actually hasn't been very clear at all. I wouldn't read 3/4 weekends as 3 out of 4, I'd read it as 3 to 4 but I guess that's down to interpretation.
The ds spends this time with his dad because it's in the court order that the OP agreed to, not because he's suddenly spending additional time there. The OP must have fully supported this as otherwise she could have opposed it in court.
To all the posters saying it's so hard parenting in the week and easy at the weekend, I've found the exact opposite! School days are easy once they get older as they are at school most of it! 10+ you start not having to do school pickups/drop offs. Homework is set for week days and weekends so no idea of the argument on that.
I'm also curious as to why the OP wants to send her son to a secondary school near his dad's which is 1 hour away. It's not surprising the dad hasn't done pickups/drop offs up til now if it's a 2 hour round trip twice a day! Is the OP willing to do this if her son moves schools?

I said input. The courts actually asked me at 10 which parent I wanted to live with but didn't ask my 8 year old sibling

OP has had the child since birth. When they are at primary school weekdays are much harder. OP has had all those years of getting her child up, dressed and taking hi9m to school. Then the reverse, bath, bedtime. Plus the horrendous cost of childcare. You are right that as he gets older weekdays will become easier and the childcare costs begin to disappear. So the dad would be doing weekdays at a time when this becomes a much easier option. The real benefit though is the dad will not have the childcare costs the mum had to pay. That would probably be more than the £60 a month the dad pays anyway.

Duh! You are right, 13 weeks school holidays. Still does not mean 50/50 though. More like one third to two thirds.

You do know you can get variances in court orders?
3/4 is clearly 3 weekends out of 4. I am surprised you read it any other way.
The son will need ASC. If the dad had the son during the week he would do what many of us do and pay for a childminder to do school pick ups and drop offs. I have no idea, and neither do you, why they both decided on the primary school they did. Most parents choose a school on more than just what is easy for the parents.

You do know you can get variances in court orders?

Not just because you don't like them or because you as a parent want more leisure time. It can only be varied if it's in the child's best interests and there would usually need to be a change in circumstances.
Anyway why is everyone so insistent that the boy is best off with his mum when she's the one suggesting he live with his dad and hinting she may not pay a lot of maintenance?

I would say go ahead and let him live with his dad if they both want it
But the real problem here is the distance
Which school would he attend? Not your local school I assume but one local to his father?
Has your son thought through what that would entail?
Have YOU thought through what happens then if 4 months into the school year he wants to come back home to you?

Very risky business imho.

I think it's time to talk to his dad, explain your frustration, correct how much they are paying and ask if they want to switch it around? It is fine if this arrangement works for everyone

I was the non-resident parent. I had to go court to get 50/50 custody of my teenage DD. My ex was leaving her for week-ends in the charge of my 17 year old DS. I was furious at the lack of safeguarding - DS (not the most responsible teenager) might invite anyone round while ex was away. I was also paying maintenance for both DCs (fine) but when I objected to not having access on the regular basis informally agreed ex threatened to take me to what was then the CSA.
I listened to my DD, who wanted 50% of her time with me, and that was what I had arranged. Ex fumed (lost maintenance) but had to keep to it as it was now a court order, not his 'promise' as long as I did not rock the boat. (NB the maintenance was never mentioned to either DC.)
Listen to your DS. See what he wants. If he would like the residence arrangements changed then do that and make sure he understands you love him even if he is no longer mainly living with you.

@Nobodywouldknow the father pays hardly any maintenance.
Everyone is saying that you do not want the son to think his mum does not want him. That is the issue. If there is a good reason for the father to be the resident parent that is fine. But the son being a bit grumpy is not really one.
Going for 50/50 would make more sense and see how that goes. But i would not change the child's primary school, he needs stability. The father could pay a childminder on his days to do drop offs and pick ups.

Just to add, switching schools when DS has never lived with his father during the week is risky. It could end up not working out and DS is stuck at a school an hour away. Changing back may not be possible.

I have experience of this. My sibling wanted to live with my dad at this age. My mum let him, and as an adult, and after having his own children, he feels a bitter resentment towards my mum. IMO they are not old enough to make life changing decisions at age 10. Id ask for one of the weekends back to rebuild with your son. I believe it's in his best interest and would hope the dad would understand and be reasonable about it.

Don't give up on your son, you need him and love him, just because he is your son.

No need for getting hurt feeling now, you are already divorced and used to it. May be they have a bigger house, more activities with the step siblings and more noise when going out. Nothing of that erases your value

Not unreasonable, £100 is nothing and he clearly hasn't explained that it goes towards rent, heating, water, food... TBH I don't think the assumption mam should be primary carer. Its about what's best for the child and if that's at his dads for this stage that's fair enough

NO, DON'T. I let my boy, 7, go to live with his dad. I was a single parent, lonely as hell, picked the wrong boyfriend...etc...etc... I cried hard for nine years, every day. Frankly, I still cry now from time to time, and he's 38 now. Just don't do it. You've put yourself down enough by saying that "he has more fun" at his dad's: I did a similar thing by thinking that my sin ahould be with a half-sister in a home where they had enough money to put the heating on, have holidays, and so on. NOT TRUE, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE WHEN I REALISED. Good luck. Get someone to listen to you, and stand with you, and give yourself time to really think what this means.

I don’t think it IS in his best interests, and you could jeopardise you’re future relationship with him.
YOU decide. He’s a child and has no idea of long term consequences