Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

If he’s repeatedly saying he’d rather live there then I would let him tbh. People on here are often saying that we should listen to children when they say they don’t want to see one parent etc. Well that works both ways. While young kids often have mum as the primary caregiver a boy coming up for the tween years may well feel better living with his dad. Also as a child I’d have much rather lived with my siblings and that seems to be the case here. Of course he has more fun there with four other kids to play with. You will still see him regularly and millions of dads have this arrangement. Just make sure it’s what HE wants rather than you telling him that’s how it is.

But WHY is it " her" job to raise him? Why not also his dad's job?

This Disney dad actually has the cheek after getting him only on weekends and holidays to tell him how much he's paying in CMS?

At 10 I think your son might understand if you explain it to him that he's being manipulated. It's not in his interests for either parent to be discussing things like how much money they're paying the other parent, but now that your ex has done this, you need to explain the other side to him. This is not fair on him to only hear one side and potentially be alienated from one parent as a result.

It is definitely not in his interests to be alienated against his mother by a manipulative father.

Explain the truth to your DS so can he at least have a less one sided view of things.

I think you should push the courts to switch to a fairer allocation of weekend time.

Doing all the weekdays yourself and leaving Mr Disney to do the weekends is outrageous.

You may find your relationship with him improves if you get the weekends. You can prioritise him and have fun too, as you don’t have all the hard stuff to do, the homework, pushing him to do stuff etc. In his eyes his dad is the fun parent but he doesn’t realise due to his age that you have all the hard parts to do. Swapping over gives you a chance to build a better relationship. If this is something that’s been building for some time it sounds like he resents you a little (clearly caused by his dad and step mum discussing things like maintenance which is totally out of order). I’d seriously consider it. I bet he sees the grass isn’t greener and if he doesn’t, well you get to enjoy weekends with him as right now you’ve got limited fun time with your son. Good luck

They can't provide his mum. He only has one and that's you.

And he only has one dad etc. I am sure lots of mums don’t like hearing it but lots of kids choose not to live with their mums and aren’t that close to them. Also she doesn’t stop being his mum just because she has less contact. Sounds like this kid gets on better with his dad and wants to live with sibling and step siblings, which is totally understandable.

As parent of an only DS I think this is a terrible idea. Focus on building your relationship with your son. He needs his mum more than he needs stepsiblings and nike clothes. Make time for fun activities, experiences and just time together doing things he enjoys. Could just be watching a film with popcorn together one evening
Can you arrange for his friends to come over after school or for the day or a sleepover and do something fun then too?
I've taken DS on single parent holidays with other children so had fun spending time together with him plus made sure he had company too

It is her job in the same way it his dad's job. Because they are both his parents and both have a role in his upbringing. It's not her job exclusively.

OP you need to clarify the supposedly £60 not £100 to your child - in a child's mind he will be thinking you are raking it in and 'taking' his money.

He is not seeing the roof over his head, time dropping and bringing him home, food on the table and utilities.

£60 is not fun money. Show him the rent? or mortgage payment, utility bills, internet, phone etc. Put down in front of him and let him digest the information then reiterate the fact that you will always love him but dislike the way he speaks or insinuate things to you.

Well yes I think it's galling of a child of that age to ask his mother for the money his dad gives her as he thinks it should be his.

I'd actually say to him who do you think pays your rent and food and bills.

It isn't fun money for trainers.

Is this really what you want deep down and is it really what's best for your son? I can't imagine that moving into a house with 4 other kids would be the best thing for him, long term.
You thinking he could go to his dad's full time honestly sounds like you're hurt and being defensive "OK, fine, you prefer your dad. Go and live with him!". I understand your hurt but this isn't really a rational reason to make such a huge decision. Do you think your son will get the same level of care and attention at his dad's? Think carefully about the best environment for your son. Stop reacting to silly arguments about money and stop focusing on things like who buys Nike trainers. All that is completely irrelevant.

Please read Guy de Maupassant story 'Aux champs' - this is it in translation (The Adopted Son). Here is the link - www.livrosgratis.com.br/ler-livro-online-145927/the-adopted-son

It is a short story, 10 minute read. Well worth it and has all answers to your question.

Yes. I did this with my ds at a similar age. He also used to come home and say 'dad gives you £**, why aren't I having it?' He moved 250 miles away from us to be with his dad. Now 7 years later, he tells me he was miserable. He would still have been miserable here too.

I have no advice but the father sounds like a little weasel. £60 a month, disgusting. And his wife isn't "nice"; it would be a point of contention in our marriage if my husband thought it OK to be such a shit father.

I also had to pay his dad child support for the 7 years he was there, so do consider that.

Why is living with other children not the best for him? That’s probably why he prefers to be there. He’s 10. From now on he’s going to be focused more on his peers than being with mummy. To date the dad has had him less than the mum and nobody bats an eyelid. When the kid himself says he wants to move TO LIVE WITH FATHER (not some random stranger but his other, equal, parent) people are up in arms and telling her to tell the child that the dad is manipulative.

The kid hasn't said he wants to live with his father though, has he?

He’s said he wants to be with his dad more

That's not the same thing at all.

You shouldn't sacrifice DS's education because his Dad is more popular for a while.

Assume that your DS will always love his Dad but it makes no sense to move him to an overcrowded home full time.
Concentrate on him doing as well at school as he can and invite his friends over. He will be going to a school nearer his Dad soon enough. Maybe encourage him to spend some time in a sporting team connected to the social region of the new school once he swaps schools.
Be positive that DS loves to spend time with his Dad.
He could also be over reacting due to him feeling left out, or different, at Dad's place. Keep his space at your place special.

And to tell the kid he gives the mother £100 pcm when he gives £60 is manipulation.

His focus will be on his own friends going forward. Not necessarily his dad's other kids.

He might actually prefer being with mum the older he gets as his half siblings become a nuisance and he gets quiet time at mums to study and work towards exams.

I think a ten year old is too young to understand that £100 doesn't go very far. His father sounds awful, though. Why is the father telling him about the money.

However, the truth always comes out and I suspect that - if you agreed to this - your son would come back to you. But, if you had a few years of being able to concentrate on your career, just doing the weekends and holidays, you may feel less broken. Often the mother ends up doing the 'boring stuff' which compromises their earnings, whilst the father does the 'fun stuff' at no risk to their career.

@beigecurtians

An only child is a lonely child.

I think a lot of posters aren't acknowledging, the main reason your DS wants to stay with his dad is because of the fun company he has and socialising he has there with other children.

It is NOT fun being an only child on your own with just your mum, no matter how lovely and caring she is.

He needs company and he needs to socialise.

Lots of posters are saying you will loose him, but I think you could risk losing him, if you don't let him go.

When you do see him, you could then afford to do some really nice and special things with him.

Also remember that nothing is set in stone, and he might want to come back.

You don't have huge issue. Some kids do not understand money and ask constantly for new things to be bought, even cry and argue sometimes when we say No. :)

Do you love your son? Be honest what happened, what money goes where, so he learns about money , budgeting etc , since he feels involved in that talk now.

And let the fun step family keeps spending on him, buying him Nike and whatever else they buy him. What is the big issue here?

Don't do this to your son. It sounds like you're hurting, which is understandable, but it sounds like you're lashing out and your son is not a pawn. You should want to fight to keep him because you love him. If he is desperate to go then that's different.