Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

it is entirely plausible that the dad is giving 60 quid a month but telling his new wife that it's 100 though.

In OPs shoes I'd be telling step-mum that. Just in case.

@beigecurtians he’s at the age where he doesn’t think. He IS old enough for you to explain things like budgets (without bad mouthing his Dad). He isn’t old enough to decide to live there and I think you would both regret this. Also this is a key age where he needs to know he can rely on you. My good friend had this, her ex was a piece of work, got out of paying anything, she had the son full
time, he wouldn’t have the son over school holidays (because he said that was her tough luck for leaving him). Used to do grand gestures paying for expensive hobbies so he could be fun Dad. But she did explain things to her son and she was the more strict parent and her successful son worked out for himself that he loved his Dad and he was his Dad but he was a bit flaky.

I think sending your DS there full-time, even if he thinks he wants that, will eventually seem like you didn’t want to ‘fight’ to keep him (even though nothing could be further from the truth). If he wants to go when he’s a bit older (15) you can re-visit then. I bet you’re a lovely Mum!

Yet the courts will give a 10 year old and I put on where they want to live so they obviously consider it old enough

Reading this I think you DS currently values materialistic things above everything else. If he lives with his dad full time, I'm afraid it would only get worse and it would really shape the sort of adult he'll grow into.
If he stays with you, I hope you can teach him the real values such as family, compassion etc.

I hope this all works out for you OP.

Don't make any decisions based on this incident. Your son is not understanding the situation properly. He's with you for all the mundane shit, school, homework, early nights etc and with dad for holidays and weekends.

You've also said his dad is a good parent and his wife is nice - that's just not true is it? Not if they have been discussing that they give you £100 a month for DS (that's actually £60) why did that conversation even come up? Did DS ask for something and they gave that as a reason to say no?

You said you have agreed he can go to a secondary school near his dad, so an hour away? is he going this Sep or next? How is that going to work? Can you change your mind?
When he starts secondary he will very quickly lose interest in younger children in the family and will want to chill with friends all the time and want his own space, sounds like that'd be much easier in your house.

@Lighteningstrikes How many children socialize much during the school week, aside from a couple of evening activities? He’s already spending most weekends at his Dad’s.

If his Dad was more interested in education and would ensure that DS got his homework done, etc. changing the setup might work. I suspect that if he moves there full time, his schoolwork will suffer and ultimately, that’ll mean fewer options for him going forward.

Understandably.

You've worked so hard, for so long, and it sounds very difficult to handle this situation.

But your DS needs to know that you love him unconditionally. He needs his mum. Please don't respond to your feelings of hurt and self doubt by pushing him away. I don't mean to sound cheesy but it is completely true that children need love more than they need material things.

All behaviour is communication, as they say. A child whose parents have gone through conflict may have lots of difficult feelings about that. That may include guilt, anger, fear, which all may come out as acting up, rudeness, jealousy, bad behaviour.

I wonder if he is testing you a bit? Or if he is working through issues with his dad and siblings? Or just even the usual upsets of teenagerhood and puberty? Sometimes children are very irrational and don't even understand their actions themselves. He's only ten!

It sounds like he needs more connection and time.

And meanwhile, you need to look at how much you've done, who's been there at school pick up, who's done the majority of the parenting, who's been a steady presence, and give yourself some credit. You're his mum.

He needs his mum, really, but children can be very materialistic. Let him try things out for a few weeks, with reversal of visting arrangements, and see how he feels - and how you feel. Let him know you love him, whatever the outcome.

I think take him back to court for him to have more weekdays and you more weekends. The current set up is not ok for you. Let him figure out his time and drop him at school.

OP unless you have concerns that your ex isn't a loving, responsible, caring parent or you have concerns that his wife will treat your ds badly or his step siblings will - its perfectly reasonable to listen to your ds and look at a different childcare arrangement. That might change over time - your ds might change his mind.

Mothers do not automatically make better parents than fathers - bear in mind much of what your read on MN is from posters who have had awful partners who were awful fathers. It's understandable they wouldn't contemplate being the NR parent.
And mothers who are not the resident parent often don't post, for obvious reasons, so you're seeing a one sided view.

Do what's best for your ds - that's all that matters. I hope you manage to resolve it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making this decision if it's in your son's best interests. And yours, as you are allowed to have a life too. It doesn't mean you forfeit your relationship with him, just that there's the flexibility to change living arrangements as and when it suits him. Your son is lucky to have both parents who want to care for him full-time.

I wouldn't as I suspect he'll still try and screw you over with CMS unless you can hide as much income as he has but more importantly, because you're playing straight into his hands.

Just one of an astonishing number of posts suggesting it’s fine for the NRP not to contribute fairly when it’s a woman. The consensus on here is that CMS levels are much too low, unrealistic and putting kids in poverty. But when the dad has majority care it’s tough shit and the mum should do whatever she can to duck out of paying.

Suggesting OP keeps her son living with her so she can keep CB and avoid maintenance is really gross.

I'm self employed. In all honestly, I'd be tempted to give his dad a taste of his own medicine and try to get away with paying as little as possible.

And yet you say you are not using your son as a pawn....

Men can't win these days.

They don't want 50/50 kid then they're a crap father, they want their kid full time they're manipulative, they want the kid 50/50 they're depriving mum of benefits.

It’s hideous how these dads behave, claiming to love their children and then totally manipulating them. Poor kids are taken in by it and start to resent the responsible parent. 😢

This particular father has been manipulative with the money discussion with a 10 year old though!

And this particular mum admits considering using her son as a pawn by paying as little as she can get away with to get back at his dad.

I do not think OP is trying to get back at anyone. Her actions are solely based on her son's behaviour and attitude towards her.

This wouldn't be such an issue if her son is respectful toward OP.

Paying less than £100 a month for a kid isn't even trying to win.

Could you try more for 50/50? Then it would be a bir fairer to you and DD still gets a bit more time with you both and his dad will need to take a bit more responsibility.

I.would hold out until 13/14 when he's more independent and flow through the houses?

I don't know anyone involved and the child may well be better off living with his father. I suppose I questioned whether he'd be better off with 4 other children because I've seen quite a few issues between kids in blended families I know. I'm sure it's not always the case. The step mother may display a preference for her own children over OP's son (again she may not). The son may not enjoy being one of 5 when he's used to getting more time and attention from the parent he lives with.
I don't know if any of the above will happen but I just suggest it's worth considering when making this big decision.
The whole tone of OP's opening post was one of hurt feelings and reacting to this - rather than being calm and rational. That's why I raised these considerations.
Of course, the son's preference should be taken into account but again it needs to be considered whether the son is dazzled by Nike trainers and whatever else his father buys him. Ten year olds don't always know what's best for them. My son of a similar age thinks he should be allowed to leave school and spend all day gaming, for example.
So yes, maybe he should live with his father. Maybe that's better all round - but it does require some very careful consideration.

Op would it be possible to move nearer dc dad? That way dc could move freely between houses and you would probably get more quality time with dc

She is “considering” it, he is actively doing it. I don’t condone the OP but having bad thoughts isn’t making selfish choices. The father is paying a minimal amount and using it as a weapon.

Regardless, the child is the most important person in this.

I agree with all of this.

Plus switching schools in Year 6 would be very difficult for him, I would think - he will join a school where everyone has been friends for years, and he will miss out on end of primary school activities at his current school.

If he lives with his dad full time, he certainly won't get the same "fun dad" attention every day of the week. If all the mundane stuff falls to the step-mum (as it likely will), where do you think your son would rank in her attention, given that she has four children of her own?

OP, whatever you do it will be better for your son if you can improve your relationship with him, there’s always space for improvement and it’s always better for kids and parents to be more closely bonded, Especially as you are heading into adolescence which is a very difficult time for a lot of families. good relationships are protective. You’ll find parenting easier and more rewarding too.

PACE parenting is a very well researched and respected approach. You might find helpful.

ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/