Should I let my 10 year old live with his dad full time?

[beigecurtians]

I split up with his dad when he was 18 months old and I’ve always been the full time parent and DS has gone to his dad’s 3/4 weekends a month and half the holidays. His dad has remarried and the wife has three children and they have a five year old together. DS has more fun there than with me. I am not the fun parent and I don’t have extra cash to buy the stuff he wants like Nike clothes and other expensive things.

From secondary I already agreed that he can go to the secondary school near to his dad’s house and spend more time there than at mine.

Today he has come home and said his dad and dad’s wife said that they pay £100 a month to me so DS asked why he can’t have that money. I explained it’s only £60 I get from his dad and it goes towards his food and living costs, uniform, clothes and he gets £5 a week pocket money from me. I said I care for him, feed him, love him and do what I can within my means for him and he needs to be grateful for that but obviously he won’t understand this - or how much £60 actually is, until he’s older.
His response was just to be rude. I feel like his dad has been poisoning him against me for years now.

I’m tempted to send DS there for the full holidays (if his dad will have him) and tell him dad if he wants him full time, he can, and he can get him moved schools asap for year 6. I’ll have him every other weekend and maybe one evening a week and I’ll drop him back for dinner.

Have any other mum done similar? I feel like this isn’t the norm but I don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep a child who clearly prefers his dad. His dad I feel would take him full time also and has previously expressed that when our son is old enough he can decide where he wants to live - maybe that time is now…

You sound so sad and worn down op ☹️

Don't give up on him and don't give up in yourself. Ten year olds are not renowned for their perception or maturity so filter what he says through that. You are his mum - don't underestimate your importance, even if he doesn't realise it or is able to verbalise it now.

Hi @beigecurtians i haven’t read all the responses but just wanted to say if he does go to dad try making it 50/50 or at least 60/40 as there’s a big chance the dad will claim cms from you and it’ll be a way bigger amount than the £60

By the sounds of it (he lives cash in hand) the designer labels are built on debt.

Don't give up OP.

A taste of his own medicine? Are you SURE you’re doing this in the best interests of your child rather than being pissed off at the dad? This is money for your son remember.

Can you move nearer to his Dad? I appreciate this may be impossible but just a thought as to how you could then let his dad do some school stuff. Mind by the time he is at secondary he will be travelling himself to school.

i agree with the PPs who say that now is a good time to teach your son about budgeting.

So you could take him shopping and show him over a week what you are spending (so just take a monthly outgoing and divide by 4 for ease).

So x for mortgage/rent, y for groceries, z for utilities... then say your budget is 120 (60 quid that dad gives for the month by two, because there are 2 of you) divided by 4 is 30 quid for a week for the two of you. And show how long that lasts.

And maybe say that if he thinks he can handle budgeting, you will give him a portion of the money his dad gives, and from that he has to provide his own toiletries and treats? With a trial time of 2 months, and a review after that?

10 is old enough to start learning about money. It may be an idea to involve him more in food shopping/clothes shopping etc so he can see for himself how far £60 goes nowadays.

And if you can afford to, perhaps on the weekends you have him try to do special one-on-one things he wouldn't be able to do in the big family e.g. a cinema trip where he chooses the movie etc

I wouldn’t do this, he needs the stable home environment which he used to, especially at this age. Kids are cheeky, asking for their CB you just explain or ignore not move them out. Organise more weekends with him, it’s not fair that his Dad has all that time to do fun stuff. Oh and if you do this he’ll regret it but also feel rejected by you.

It must be heartbreaking to even consider, but I'd be tempted to let him do this now, that gives him a year before secondary starts to realise the grass isn't greener.
Or maybe it is, for all or you. You can be the fun parent, but also ready to support him whenever he needs it as you already know what it takes to care for him full time. Let it be his decision though, so when he's older there's less chance of him misremembering this as abandonment.

I'd also be tempted to screw ex over with CMS as he's done it to you, but actually th person you'd be screwing over is you son - once he's older he'll hopefully work out for himself that £60 a month is not enough to contribute towards raising a child.

I think the 3/4 weekends was a big mistake that the court shouldn’t have allowed.

I would revisit this.

I would sit your son down and ask if he was just interested in the money situation or if it’s that he’d actually like to spend more time with his dad. If the latter, ask if that means trying out living with him full time, or just a couple of more hours at the weekend (for example).

If it’s that he would like to try out spending more time with his dad, communicate what he tells you to his dad and go from there. If he’d like to live with his dad, and the dad is serious and willing, then try it on a trial basis. I have a friend who is happier for doing so and whose child also appreciates and likes her more post move.

At this age, if the other parent is a functional adult and the child wants to move, let them move on a trial basis. Being a martyr is in nobody’s interest.

Well said!

Yes, they are wearing you down beigecurtians and that is not fair. It is not fair, either, to discuss money with a 10 year old.

How well do you communicate with your ex?

10 year olds can be very persistent but they do not have the maturity to know what's best for them. He might not think he needs you but he does. It seems the others have him for all the fun times, you have him for the more mundane times, schooldays etc. Can you find any activities in the week that do not cost too much eg a local football club? Does he have school friends you could invite over on the weekend you have him?

You sound tired and knocked back, I'm not surprised. Take some time when he's with them in the holidays just for you.

Ten year olds (and teens) can be arch manipulators.

You’re his mother, of course he needs you! Why are you just lying down and letting this man do this? I think your custody arrangement needs tweaking, you’re getting all the drudge of school and homework and zero fun time, while Dad understandably seems so much fun because he just has weekends.

Has DS said that he wants to move? If so, you should probably let him. I decided to move from my mum/stepdad’s to my dad/stepmum’s when I was 11. It wouldn’t have been a good thing if my mum had said no because “she’s my mother and nobody else can fill that role.” It was better for me to be at my dad’s house—perhaps there will be resentment if you prevent your son from living with the parent that he chooses to live with.

Interesting read. Seems like the majority of posters are still in the " living with mum" being most important

I was the 10 year old ( well think maybe a bit younger actually)who chose to live with my Dad.. My brother was a complete mummy's boy and wouldn't have dreamed of it.

As I grew up of course I went through all the teenage angst etc and often led my dad a merry dance.

But I still had a good relationship with my Mum even though I didn't see her often. Especially after she moved away. But I had a good relationship with BOTH of my parents until their deaths

There is no hard and fast rule on which parent a child must live with . My own DS lived with his Dad for 10 years from 5-15. . I didn't find it traumatic and neither did DS.v ( Mind you he had never been in a household with both parents living together)

It sounds like having other kids to play with makes his dad's home fun, and toe, that is something to consider, he may thrive on having that sort of mix in his life

What's 'better' though?

I'm glad it worked out for you but would it be best for this child?
It sounds as if Dad and perhaps step-Mum are trying to turn this child against his mother to the point where she is worn down and that is very wrong.

He'd have to change schools, could be traumatic if he's in Y5 or Y6, then again to secondary school without a friendship group.
Dad has never done a school run, probably none of the stuff like Parents' Evening etc, the reality of being one of five being chivvied on school mornings might not be such fun as the child imagines.

Life is not all fun, it's teeth cleaning, doing homework, taking exams too. Mundane stuff.

Could you sit down with him and show him all the money you get and where every penny goes? He is old enough to be involved.

Won't you have to pay maintenance if he lives with his dad?

It might all go sour if the new wife doesn't want him there

I am not surprised you feel hurt by this. You have put in all the hard slog over the years and his dad gets to be the fun one. I would be open to conversations with your DS about where he lives but don't feel you have to give him up to his dad just because he likes it more there. Let him know you love him and as his mum, it's your job to raise him. I know it is obvious to you but it never goes without saying. I am parenting two teens now and my experience is that DS has become a lot more distant emotionally. I think these years are hard for mums and sons. It's great your DS has a loving dad and that his dad's partner is a good person, but I'm sorry they have become a threat to your relationship with your son.

I wouldn’t move your son away from his current school because you are feeling upset ( understandably).

He is already planning to go to secondary school nearer his Dad’s house. I would be thinking about him living with his Dad as the primary care giver at that stage and visiting you for alternate weekends and half the holidays.

A friend of mine did this as she was having similar issues with her daughter when she was similar age; she lived with her dad for a year or; can’t remember but she realised things and went to live back with her mum and now have a good relationship.

I would let him finish in his current school though. You are the parent and need to be stronger

Why is he so money oriented? Tell him that you get £100 a month and what it goes on. Explain the cost of the brand shoes he wants and put it against what you get a month. If you can could you put him into holiday activities near you? Get him mixing with other kids.

I have no doubt that if my husband and I were to split, they’d go with him. He is a shit disciplinarian therefore the favourite 🙄

let him go there. He won’t last probably but you could give it a go for the holidays