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Original poster

To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

175 replies

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:20

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

OP posts:
Original poster
DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:23

He said -

No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

"Well tough expect you to take responsibility for your actions, nothing wrong with my mum knowing "

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "

I'm not sure if I'm crazy for telling him he shouldn't say anything or if he is

OP posts:
Orangepawprints · 01/05/2024 23:24

You can’t control what he does / doesn’t talk to his mum about.

sounds like a lot of rows. Is the relationship ok? Are you sure about moving in together if having do many issues?

Ispini · 01/05/2024 23:25

Run for the hills! This will only end in tears - your tears.

Blobblobblob · 01/05/2024 23:26

He's a child who's not ready to grow up yet. Either that or he's manipulative and highly toxic. Or both.

If you move in together you are going to regret it. Honestly I'd reconsider why you even want to be with him.

He's annoyed because you don't want him sponging off you?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2024 23:28

Take the blinders off, op. This relationship is absolutely, positively doomed. He's a mummy's boy with zero respect for you. Don't be daft enough to stay with this man child because things are only going to get worse.

Itsonlymashadow · 01/05/2024 23:31

I actually don’t think you can or should stop him talking to his mum. If it was a woman no one would mind her confiding in her mum. And would even encourage.

In fact in cases where the relationship is toxic, it’s encouraged to talk to family and people you trust.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to be with him. There’s lots of arguments and upsets. Money issues and so on. Lots to tell her. If she treats you like crap because of your arguments and he keeps letting her and telling her more. Again, you don’t have to be with him.

Awrite · 01/05/2024 23:31

What a baby.

katebushh · 01/05/2024 23:35

Eurgh, this will never ever change.

Get out now and leave them to it otherwise you'll be having internal arguments with her for the rest of your life. (Sorry, that was me with ex's mother) SadSad

Original poster
DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:38

Blobblobblob · 01/05/2024 23:26

He's a child who's not ready to grow up yet. Either that or he's manipulative and highly toxic. Or both.

If you move in together you are going to regret it. Honestly I'd reconsider why you even want to be with him.

He's annoyed because you don't want him sponging off you?

I did originally agree to pay for most of the rent as he is doing a temporary job while looking for something related to his degree.
I changed my mind because he told me he wasn't sure about marriage, I said fair enough but we go 50/50 on rent and bills. I'm not funding him, for him to find a better job and leave.

I can understand why he's upset about me changing my mind as he says I messed up our plans, I did apologise and found something more affordable but he still had to tell his mum.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/05/2024 23:39

I think him telling his mum is the least of your worries. It sounds like:

You argue a lot.
He can't see your point of view at all and sees it as all your fault
He can't sit down and talk things through and resolve things like an adult
He is content to sponge off you and
He says horrible things like no one will like you.

Never mind what his mum thinks of you, I don't think he thinks that much of you (sorry)

LittleGreenDragons · 01/05/2024 23:39

You would be a fool to pay most of the rent, that is how cocklodgers begin their life, Start as you mean to go on - be equal in all things whether it's finances, chores, laundry, bills, etc. Equal. He needs to get a better job or go live with his parents as he doesn't seem ready to be an adult.

Go live your life free from his drama, you shouldn't be arguing so much at such an exciting time as your first home together.

Avatartar · 01/05/2024 23:40

Nope OP- walk away from manbaby and keep your income for you

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 23:41

Do not move in with this man.

In fact, end the relationship and block him.
Move on with your life and be grateful that he showed you who he was before you took a step that would be difficult to back out of.

There are plenty of actual grown-ups out there who are not tied to mummy's apron strings.

Original poster
DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/05/2024 23:39

I think him telling his mum is the least of your worries. It sounds like:

You argue a lot.
He can't see your point of view at all and sees it as all your fault
He can't sit down and talk things through and resolve things like an adult
He is content to sponge off you and
He says horrible things like no one will like you.

Never mind what his mum thinks of you, I don't think he thinks that much of you (sorry)

We don't actually argue that much, most of the time it's very good. We have a good time together and he's kind.
He is never horrible to me

But then when we do argue he always manages to convince me I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:43

LittleGreenDragons · 01/05/2024 23:39

You would be a fool to pay most of the rent, that is how cocklodgers begin their life, Start as you mean to go on - be equal in all things whether it's finances, chores, laundry, bills, etc. Equal. He needs to get a better job or go live with his parents as he doesn't seem ready to be an adult.

Go live your life free from his drama, you shouldn't be arguing so much at such an exciting time as your first home together.

Yeah I wouldn't offer again, but changing my mind after I said I'd be happy to do it wasn't great

OP posts:
INeedToClingToSomething · 01/05/2024 23:43

I can't believe some of these responses. If he needs to talk to someone about difficult circumstances, then he can. You can't dictate what he talks to his mum (or anyone else about) unless its information that's solely private to you, and then you can ask that he doesn't share. But he might need to talk to a third party if you are arguing or have other difficulties in your relationship. To say he can't do this is very controlling.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 23:44

AND he's changed his mind about marriage - no surprise there.

He is of course looking for someone to fund him while he "looks for a job" (lol).

And he'll also be looking for someone mummy approves of to marry.

MrsAncunin · 01/05/2024 23:45

How does that not give you the ick?!

fettybord · 01/05/2024 23:46

I agree with PP, you can't control his narrative. He has the right to speak with whom ever he wants about what is happening in his life. Especially his parents.

I mean... you have written about it on here!

However, also agree with PP, that communication sounds like an issue in your relationship. Of course you should not be doing anything that you are uncomfortable with, or subsidizing him. How it has been communicated between the two of you is the issue here, isn't it?

StellaGibson2022 · 01/05/2024 23:47

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2024 23:28

Take the blinders off, op. This relationship is absolutely, positively doomed. He's a mummy's boy with zero respect for you. Don't be daft enough to stay with this man child because things are only going to get worse.

This with bells on and I speak from experience.

He sounds awful. Absolutely a mummy’s boy. He wont change.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/05/2024 23:48

It isn’t you.

It’s him.

Think about it. He isn’t sure about marriage but expects you to subsidize his living costs by getting a nice place and paying more rent instead of going 50/50 on a nice place (which he can’t afford) or 50/50 on a serviceable but less naice place.

Keep looking for a place to rent…on your own!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/05/2024 23:49

I can understand why he's upset about me changing my mind as he says I messed up our plans, I did apologise and found something more affordable but he still had to tell his mum.

He messed up your plans first by saying he wasn’t sure about marriage any more.

It’s not you.
it’s him!

Gymnopedie · 01/05/2024 23:54

@Itsonlymashadow

I actually don’t think you can or should stop him talking to his mum. If it was a woman no one would mind her confiding in her mum. And would even encourage.
In fact in cases where the relationship is toxic, it’s encouraged to talk to family and people you trust.

@INeedToClingToSomething

I can't believe some of these responses. If he needs to talk to someone about difficult circumstances, then he can. You can't dictate what he talks to his mum (or anyone else about) unless its information that's solely private to you, and then you can ask that he doesn't share. But he might need to talk to a third party if you are arguing or have other difficulties in your relationship. To say he can't do this is very controlling.

If the arguments are serious then yes. You need to talk things over with someone. But this doesn't sound like a toxic relationship or difficult circumstances. This sounds like a manbaby telling his mum every time there's any disagreement. And I wouldn't have time for a woman who did that either.

pizzaHeart · 02/05/2024 00:03

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/05/2024 23:39

I think him telling his mum is the least of your worries. It sounds like:

You argue a lot.
He can't see your point of view at all and sees it as all your fault
He can't sit down and talk things through and resolve things like an adult
He is content to sponge off you and
He says horrible things like no one will like you.

Never mind what his mum thinks of you, I don't think he thinks that much of you (sorry)

This^ 100%

JulianFawcettMP · 02/05/2024 00:08

I hate men who need to talk to someone.

And those treat are close to their mother! Perverts the lot of them