To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

[DenimDuck]

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

A man confides in his mum, upset after a row he’s a baby/mummy's boy etc, daughter confides in her mum, upset after a row, that’s totally acceptable.

Don't waste your time on him. Highly manipulative. Childish.

And the quotes you gave from him are telling.

Don't even bother, just go.

Do not move in with him or support him financially in fact split up. He is enmeshed with his Mother (please get a book on Mother son enmeshment). He won't grow up and he's lining you up to support him when Mother is gone. You will never match up to her whatever he says and whatever you do for him. Beware of him love bombing you to keep you. It doesn't mean he loves or respects you he's just keeping you on as her replacement. He may not even know this is his subconsious need as he is a Man-boy, permanently immature. How do I know this? I had a similar "relationship" it cost me good years I could have met someone else. I took advice from a psychologist on this. Wasted years don't come back. Time matters especially for women if you want to have babies in future. He's wasting your precious time. Be your own best friends and get out of this draining situation ASAP.

I have to deal with this.

The one-sided portrayal, possibly with lies (or lies by omission) is going to piss you off massively and damage your relationship with ILs.

The victim playing and manipulation will be used to beat you over the head. 'My mum thinks your this, she said this'. It's already started, it seems. Everyone is against you.
In your case it was: 'how can you expect people to like you?'.

you seem to be blaming yourself - you only changed your mind after he became unsure about marriage. his reaction to your sensible decision is alarming. he's trying to manipulate you into the better property so he can become a cock lodger.

@DenimDuck

He is never horrible to me

Well that's not really true, is it? Reread your own posts in here as if you were reading something a friend had written them and hopefully you'll think again.

Also he sounds emotionally immature and toxic in the way he behaves towards you. Are you really sure you want to get more financially and emotionally entangled with someone who has such little empathy with you? There's much more to come of his behaviour- particularly if you go on to have children. 🌹

I'd say your big problem is the number of arguments you're having.

Me and DP have had a grand total of 5 arguments in our 17 years together. If you can't discuss important stuff without having a row and someone getting upset, then it's a sign that you're not a good match.

I’ve been here, it doesn’t end well, his mum constantly involved in our relationship and ignoring me etc, I spoke to my mum but it didn’t change how she felt about it treated him, he’s looking for validation that your wrong and he’s right and if she’s anything like my mil she would validate anything he says even if he’s clearly wrong

As a Mum, I can assure you that we build a picture of girlfriends/boyfriends based on what our own child tells us about them. Most people only tell mothers about significant others when there are arguments or disputes. The good times are rarely spoken about. When people wonder why mil doesn't like them when they've done nothing to cause that dislike, look at what their significant others are telling their mothers.

That said, your boyfriend, OP, hasn't grown up yet. Why are you discussing moving in with him when he cannot afford to pay his own way? My advice? Find a suitable place that you can afford on your own. If you must move him in, charge him realistic rent (the government rent a room scheme is a useful way to do this). If he doesn't move in/decides to naff off, you're not left in the lurch and can continue to live there. Protect yourself, OP, and do not leave yourself vulnerable to his decisions.

Personally id run for the hills! It doesn't matter what you agreed on you are allowed to change your mind. Why should you foot the bill for him to follow his dreams? If mammy got a problem he can move in wit her and she can foot the bill. The fact that he said "why would you do what you do and expect people to like you " screams narcissistic to me!! Sounds like he's done a good job making you feel like you are in the wrong. Run while you can. Or if determined on staying make it clear you don't care what his mum thinks, your house your life you get to do what you want. If he don't like it, bye bye!! Also mothers who pander to their sons pathetic behavior instead of introducing them to reality is half of the problem!!

My partner tells his mum when we argue and surprise surprise she doesn't like me at all he also doesn't tell her what he says to me in these arguments so he always looks like the poor man who has to put up with a psycho partner 🙄

Red flags. You can do better.

YABU. He can talk to his mum about whatever he wants, same as you can talk to your mum about him.

So your BF isn't allowed to get an opinion from his mum (who for all you know is on your side) yet you're allowed to tell a bunch of strangers on the internet?

Also why is it seen as disgusting on Mumsnet if a man wants a 50/50 rent split when the woman is earning less than the man but not the other way around?

And if this was a man saying "my GF speaks to her mum when we argue aibu to tell her to stop?" The answer would be yes you're being a controlling bastard. I'm fact it was a few weeks ago!

Maybe Mumsnet needs to change it's name to Manhatersnet!

He sounds like a forthcoming cocklodger OP!

Careful you are not the bookmark / place holder girlfriend he sees as good enough for now but not for long term.

I'd have no issue about talking to his mum. I have a super open relationship with my boys.. However.. As a mum I'd be telling him, good on her. 😂

Being upset about having to pay a fair share, is hardly reasonable. As a mum I'd be telling him as much myself.

I'd be more concerned with his attitude and what sounds like a sense of entitlement..

I thought the MN thing to do was to either pool all money and pay for things out of a joint pot and then share whatever is left - either proportionally to your earnings or (shudder the thought) equally. Edited to add, or buy something and split proportionately all the bills from the start keeping all money separate.

When my now ex and I got together we bought a house. The mortgage was based on our joint earnings but we earned different amounts. I earned a bit more. So we pooled resources to pay the bills. When it came to splitting what was left he was going to suggest he got less back then me for own spends but t be honest I could really see the long in him sitting in the house not affording to enjoy things (often with me) and me going out buying nice things and doing nice things. So we agreed to share equally. It worked out well as at one point I got made redundant and he was the one earning until I found a job permanently and did temp work. And when we had our kids and I took maternity and went part time we both still had equal spends - although not actually that much left for us by the time all the joint things were paid for like the home, the food and everything’s the kids needed.

He’s now an ex, it was his choice to leave but it wasn’t anything to do with the finances.

If OP is planning to only split costs 50/50 then that’s fine and their choice and I agree that the house needs to be more based around what he can afford as not the joint income. This will be disappointing for him. Maybe put the house hunting on hold until he gets a new job and is earning more comparatively.

As for talking to his mum. I did just that. She always got the good and bad insights into what was going on. It’s not a bad thing. I think it’s harder for men as they maybe don’t have friends they can vent with in the same way as women do. And it can depend on how close family is. My ex didn’t discuss things with his mum. But interestingly enough when he decided to leave me his mum called me up to vent about how unreasonable she thought he was being.

when they start telling them everything goes toxic in my house they think he is fine im not a nice person to them anymore because i tried to defend myself and tried to have it out with his mother i get really upset by there relationship leaving me at home all the time talking behind my back what goes on in a relationship should stay in the couples own home i have distanced myself now with his brothers family who do no like me anymore and his mother then they found out she has alzhimers im just glad my kids are both adults growing up with self centred people is horrible to live with we have all different backgrounds and differences his mother is vile to me even my kids like them more then me go in it with your eyes wide open do not get a joint bank account at all costs

Run. He is enmeshed with mummy and you will never come first. He is not relationship material.

I had this with a bf and find it completely ridiculous, unless someone is being abused there's no need for them to go running to their mummy. The things you've quoted him on, he sounds like a dick tbh

Thats a ridiculous comparison. It doesn't matter what anyone on the internet thinks of him or her or their relationship, but he could poison his mother against his gf.

He changed his mind about marriage.
What if your financial situation of yours suddenly change?

He is gaslighting you and not pulling his weight, and happy to paint you in bad light when talking to mummy. He may not be ready to move in with a woman and probably needs to move back in with mum.

If they're talking to randoms on the internet you can guarantee they're talking to people IRL!

Surely you don’t want to marry that twat?

If they're talking to randoms on the internet you can guarantee they're talking to people IRL!

What kind of logic is this? If she was talking to people in real life, I doubt she'd bother asking here. People ask here when they're too embarrassed, don't know who to ask, or don't want to sour things in real life.

And yes, the boyfriend can spill his guts to his mum. It's not going to help him, her or their relationship. It's pathetic behaviour to cry to your mum after every argument, probably giving half truths just so you can be right and have someone agree.

Asking AIBU to not like this, is not controlling. We need to stop diluting the meaning of words, please.