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Original poster

To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

175 replies

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:20

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

OP posts:
Janpoppy · 02/05/2024 05:53

I changed my mind because he told me he wasn't sure about marriage

This is a HUGE, relevant fact he leaves out when he berates you for "changing your mind"

A normal partner would see that because he is not sure about marriage it is fair you would not want to support him. A normal partner would take responsibility for their part in that, see your perspective, and even if they felt miffed for 5 minutes, would get over it and put energy into working out how to make the situation work for both of you in a loving and caring way.

Instead, he is on a campaign to make you feel like you are bad and he's going to invoke his mum's disapproval to make you feel scared and bad.

when we do argue he always manages to convince me I'm wrong.

This is exactly what is happening here. You are certainly not wrong in this situation and yet he is making you out to be wrong.

It might be worth learning about triangulation and gaslighting as it sounds like these are at play here. Even if I've got the wrong end of the stick here, everyone should have some understanding of these patterns of behavior.

But honestly - There is SO MUCH wrong with what he is saying. He is saying truly horrible things to you. And he is lying, by twisting the truth and omitting the very relevant fact that he is not sure he is committed to marriage!

Your instincts are spot on - you will not have a good relationship with his mother the way he is setting it up. But more importantly, sharing a house and a life with someone who twists the truth, triangulates and always manages to convince others that THEY are wrong, is a guaranteed life of misery.

HollyKnight · 02/05/2024 06:11

Don't have children with this man. You're right to worry about his mother having a bad opinion of you. That's a lifetime of misery waiting to happen. It's probably already too late. Cut your losses and try find someone more on your level so you can have an equal relationship with less arguments.

WaltzingWaters · 02/05/2024 06:17

Blobblobblob · 01/05/2024 23:26

He's a child who's not ready to grow up yet. Either that or he's manipulative and highly toxic. Or both.

If you move in together you are going to regret it. Honestly I'd reconsider why you even want to be with him.

He's annoyed because you don't want him sponging off you?

Agree with all of this.

Itsonlymashadow · 02/05/2024 06:45

Gymnopedie · 01/05/2024 23:54

@Itsonlymashadow

I actually don’t think you can or should stop him talking to his mum. If it was a woman no one would mind her confiding in her mum. And would even encourage.
In fact in cases where the relationship is toxic, it’s encouraged to talk to family and people you trust.

@INeedToClingToSomething

I can't believe some of these responses. If he needs to talk to someone about difficult circumstances, then he can. You can't dictate what he talks to his mum (or anyone else about) unless its information that's solely private to you, and then you can ask that he doesn't share. But he might need to talk to a third party if you are arguing or have other difficulties in your relationship. To say he can't do this is very controlling.

If the arguments are serious then yes. You need to talk things over with someone. But this doesn't sound like a toxic relationship or difficult circumstances. This sounds like a manbaby telling his mum every time there's any disagreement. And I wouldn't have time for a woman who did that either.

I disagree.

Op almost got burdened with paying most of the rent on a more expansive place. He isn’t happy to get one that suits his budget.

Op doesn’t like how he deals with conflict, they agreed they would get married then he back tracked. So they don’t have aligned goals. Even on where to live.

Lemsipper · 02/05/2024 06:50

Major mummies boy alert!!! Run for the hills 🚩

Burntoutx · 02/05/2024 06:57

DenimDuck · 02/05/2024 00:48

Talking to his mum every time we argue makes me look bad, I don't tell my mum every time we argue.
I'd like to get married and have kids one day and I don't want a bad relationship with my mother in law

One thing I hear from my aunties or married friends is always try and have a good relationship with your mother in law, and that's what I really want

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right; a cornerstone of relationship success is having firm boundaries with our families which protect and support our partner first. The relationship with your in laws is essentially a forced one which has the best chance of working if you feel supported by your partner and therefore safe to open up to potential in laws. He’s destroying that chance by painting a very one sided picture of you. Of course he has the right to vent, but it shouldn’t be to his mum.

it’s also a red flag that he convinces you you’re wrong every time you argue, it’s not showing a great ability to be self aware, reflect, say sorry and learn - all things you need if you’re going to make this work long term! Would you guys maybe consider some couples counselling so you have a mediator to help navigate these issues before you move in together and find a middle ground you can both work from…

LakeTiticaca · 02/05/2024 07:06

My ex was like this. Every single minor issue or disagreement he was straight on the phone to his mother. Even she told him to grow up.
Nothing wrong with having a good relationship with your mum but this was excessive. My dad used to say he had a " mother complex" 😅

PineappleTime · 02/05/2024 07:09

He sounds immature and entitled. Rethink moving in with him.

Comtesse · 02/05/2024 07:14

You are allowed to change your mind. Why would you subsidise him financially?? His behaviour is really off, think again about moving in together.

Funkadoodledoo · 02/05/2024 07:23

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:41

We don't actually argue that much, most of the time it's very good. We have a good time together and he's kind.
He is never horrible to me

But then when we do argue he always manages to convince me I'm wrong.

Show quote history

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "

You don’t think him saying this is being horrible to you?

Also, you have discussed marriage and he isn’t sure; do you want marriage? Because men who say “I’m not sure” either mean “I don’t want to get married but if I tell you that you might dump me” or “I want to get married one day but not to you. You are the stop-gap until I find that person”.

To add, he’s allowed to not want to get married (I don’t want to!) but if you do, it’s going to cause issues and unhappiness.

Edit: I’ve just seen your post where you say you want marriage and kids. He will undermine you at every turn with his mother with the kids, and if he’s not taking financial responsibility now he certainly won’t do it with kids. He’s not a good bet OP. I’d have a conversation with him now about how he thinks finances will work while you are on maternity leave. Might be eye opening.

ItsAllMadness24 · 02/05/2024 07:23

I'd not bother moving in together until he actually has the job he's looking for and until he's decided if he wants to get married or not. If that's what you want and he isn't sure, you could end up being strung along for years in a relationship that's not going where you want it too when you could of got out, found someone new been married and having kids if that's what you want. He changed the goalposts first about marriage so as a response to that you changed how much financial support you'd provide. Sounds totally reasonable to me.

spicysamosahotcupoftea · 02/05/2024 07:25

I originally agreed to pay most rent

DO NOT DO THIS.

In fact, I wouldn't move in with him at all.

Validus · 02/05/2024 07:32

Don’t move in with him. Don’t put your name on a lease agreement that will leave you on the hook when he fails to pay even 50%.

There is nothing wrong with calling a parent for advice. But that’s not what he is doing. He’s calling to whine and moan and get his mum ‘on side’. He’s not ready to be an adult.

He’s not serious about your relationship. He has said so. But he wants you to fund him. You can do better than him.

Nicole1111 · 02/05/2024 07:34

If this man child is telling his mum on you because you’ve asked him to pay his way then my only advice is to run and don’t look back. His mum clearly enables him to be a long term child who doesn’t have to take responsibility for himself and he’s unlikely to change and grow up.

Easipeelerie · 02/05/2024 07:36

This isn’t just about talking to his mum. I would be concerned about how much he needs to confide in her, the spin he’s putting on things and reasons for the spin and also some of the things he’s said to OP.
I don’t like the sound of him. Sounds unkind and possibly manipulative.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/05/2024 07:46

I think you need to get out of the relationship. He wants you to fund him while he is not prepared to commit to a permanent relationship. If he moved in with a friend would he expect them to pay more than 5050?

I agree he should be able to talk to his mother but if he is always and only complaining about you then she is going to get a bad impression. If she is the kind who always back him up regardless because he's a little golden boy then you will never have a good relationship with her. That can lead to a lot of unhappiness.

Get out now. There are better guys around.

JungleJimmy · 02/05/2024 08:03

He changed his mind on the commitment front (marriage) and as a result, you changed your mind on financially supporting him (you were wise to do that by the way).

He can't be angry at you for changing your mind when he did first 🙄

However, this is the type of thing my son would talk to me about, and I would tell him that you OP are in the right and he's in the wrong.

If his mother is a sensible woman and is logical when speaking to her child, him talking to her is not an issue at all; it may even help you.

If he's her "golden boy who can do no wrong" however, you're setting yourself up for a very difficult time if you stay with him.

vivainsomnia · 02/05/2024 08:09

I think it's very wise to share issues with someone you trust who can actually give you some advice without the emotional affect. It's great that he trust someone he feels he can share his feelings with instead of keeping it inside and let it grow and potentially explode. This person happens to be his mum. Would you feel the same of it was a childhood male friend.

I think your worry that she might not like you shows your lack of confidence in your standpoint. Telling him he can't talk to his mum about your argument is worryingly controlling.

You might not like it, and that's fair enough but that doesn't give you the right to control who he can or can't talk to.

SallyWD · 02/05/2024 08:14

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2024 23:28

Take the blinders off, op. This relationship is absolutely, positively doomed. He's a mummy's boy with zero respect for you. Don't be daft enough to stay with this man child because things are only going to get worse.

Would you say the same if a woman spoke to her mum about rows with her boyfriend?
OP - I'd be more concerned about all the rows you're having

Sizzle7654 · 02/05/2024 08:24

JulianFawcettMP · 02/05/2024 00:08

I hate men who need to talk to someone.

And those treat are close to their mother! Perverts the lot of them

Men who are close to their mother are perverts…
thanks for letting us know 🙄

GoldenTrout · 02/05/2024 08:26

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

There's an obvious answer to that: "I'm not asking you to lie. I'm asking you to tell her you're an adult, you can sort these things out for yourself and you're not going to discuss it with her."

GoldenTrout · 02/05/2024 08:28

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:43

Yeah I wouldn't offer again, but changing my mind after I said I'd be happy to do it wasn't great

Show quote history

If I'm reading what you are saying correctly, you made this offer on the understanding that it was part of a commitment to each other. You only withdrew it when he made it clear he wasn't prepared to commit. So you weren't the only one at fault here.

SallyWD · 02/05/2024 08:30

Sizzle7654 · 02/05/2024 08:24

Men who are close to their mother are perverts…
thanks for letting us know 🙄

Show quote history

I'm pretty sure they were being sarcastic!

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 02/05/2024 08:44

Eeeeek

Dont move in with him

Cock-lodger alert

VeryStressedMum · 02/05/2024 08:45

So he's changed his mind about marriage but doesn't mind you paying his way for him.
You will spend years hoping he will decide to marry you. And if you did get married you will be number 2 to his mother.
Find someone who knows they want to marry you and will put you first.

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