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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

175 replies

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:20

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

OP posts:
Mirabai · 05/05/2024 14:41

Periodic feedback from someone outside the relationship is one thing, but running to tell mum every time you have a row is really poor boundaries - you’re in a ménage a trois with his mum.

His mum will always take his side, she won’t be objective or critical so the whole situation is toxic.

Mimimimi1234 · 05/05/2024 16:53

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:23

He said -

No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

"Well tough expect you to take responsibility for your actions, nothing wrong with my mum knowing "

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "

I'm not sure if I'm crazy for telling him he shouldn't say anything or if he is

His language is really not good, I think you need to consider this relationship further and cancel the move in or you will waste your life trying to be happy with someone who is not repecting you as a grown adult women.

Mumof2choasensues · 05/05/2024 18:01

It’s not about lying to make you look better it’s about respecting the relationship and being an adult. Even if he wanted advice he doesn’t need to go into detail what the argument was about etc just watch he will then be surprised his mum doesn’t like you and then take her side. Leave before you move in.

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 18:06

DenimDuck · 02/05/2024 00:48

Talking to his mum every time we argue makes me look bad, I don't tell my mum every time we argue.
I'd like to get married and have kids one day and I don't want a bad relationship with my mother in law

One thing I hear from my aunties or married friends is always try and have a good relationship with your mother in law, and that's what I really want

Show quote history

I would put money on you not having a good relationship with his MIL. Him running to mum to ‘tell on you’ says a lot about their dynamic.

she won’t be giving up control!

Mgmhs · 05/05/2024 19:03

At the very start of our relationship my husband used to discus our disagreements with his mother. I told him I found it uncomfortable and that he should talk to his friends. I explained my reasoning and he agreed - in a previous relationship I’d slated my ex to my parents and they couldn’t stand him. When I got with my now husband my dad hit the nail on the head with a comment of “don’t slate him to us when you’re angry because when you‘s have made up we still have to like him”.

Your MIL will always remember the negatives. I’m not all that close with my in-laws but my parents think the sun shines out of my husbands arse 😆

runsmidgeOMG · 05/05/2024 22:39

yeahhh as PP said this would give me the ick.

I'm in agreement that everyone should have someone to talk to be they male or female, parents or friends HOWEVER there is a huge difference in confining in someone about the big important things or joking about stupid bickers after the fact when you can laugh about how unreasonable you both were.

It sounds he’s telling her about EVERYTHING, every time she is hearing his perspective which will be sure to be painting you in a negative light. The more parents hear how their child has been wronged the worse their opinion of the person allegedly causing the upset will become.

Jeremy Kyle (aware he’s a prick !) used to use this quote frequently “you’re complaining your family are not accepting your DP however every time you fall out it’s them you run to”

I get you believe it’s all fine majority of the time but please, when someone shows you who they are. Listen.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/05/2024 22:42

So - he only tells his mum when you fight so as to make you look bad? And you want to move in with this guy and maybe marry him?! Is this wind up?

shieldmaiden7 · 05/05/2024 22:48

Run for the hills. Honestly. He sounds like he could be my ex and it doesn't get better. For example his mum needed cataract surgery and he blamed it on me, saying the arguments we kept having was causing him stress which stressed his mum out because she could tell something was wrong and I caused the eye problems 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
DenimDuck · 05/05/2024 23:09

Thanks everyone for the advice.
He broke up with me because I said I 100% not be paying the whole rent ( he said he can't trust what I say now)

Hopefully I'll look back on this as a lucky escape 😂

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 05/05/2024 23:13

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/05/2024 23:19

DenimDuck · 05/05/2024 23:09

Thanks everyone for the advice.
He broke up with me because I said I 100% not be paying the whole rent ( he said he can't trust what I say now)

Hopefully I'll look back on this as a lucky escape 😂

It is indeed a lucky escape!

You will look back on this and laugh.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2024 23:28

DenimDuck · 05/05/2024 23:09

Thanks everyone for the advice.
He broke up with me because I said I 100% not be paying the whole rent ( he said he can't trust what I say now)

Hopefully I'll look back on this as a lucky escape 😂

This is the luckiest escape of your life, trust me. Don't ever, ever go back.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/05/2024 00:04

Thank goodness for that !

A very lucky narrow escape.

FloofyKat · 06/05/2024 00:12

Excellent update! You are well rid.

nadine90 · 06/05/2024 00:19

He wanted to live rent free with you? And would use “mummy says” to try and bully you into submission?
You’ve dodged a very icky bullet there op. Leave his mum to look after him x

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 06/05/2024 00:21

Welcome to the rest of your life with this oversharer

PenguinLord · 06/05/2024 00:35

He was not even a small bullet but a cannon ball that you dodged, well done!

SuzySheepsSleepy · 06/05/2024 06:47

There were some big red flags here OP. Well done!
I think it’s fine generally for him to be close with his mother of course, but when we are in a relationship with someone we are really serious about most people are very protective of that person especially around our nearest and dearest because we want our family to love them too. It sounds like he couldn’t care less how you are coming across to his mother which tells me he doesn’t care what she thinks of you. He was not seeing you as his future. That combined with his questioning that he’d marry you, tells me he wasn’t seeing you in the same way you saw him. I suspect if you had had a conversation with him about kids he’d get very nervous and shifty. If there’s one thing in life I’ve learned it’s that there is no point in leading a reluctant man to commitment. I also worry that he was so happy to be kept by you!
it’s a good thing this one is gone trust me.

PBandJ111 · 06/05/2024 07:14

That one good thing he did then! Lucky escape for you.

Newestname002 · 06/05/2024 07:15

DenimDuck · 05/05/2024 23:09

Thanks everyone for the advice.
He broke up with me because I said I 100% not be paying the whole rent ( he said he can't trust what I say now)

Hopefully I'll look back on this as a lucky escape 😂

Phew! Lucky escape for you.

You're free of this man baby spouting to his mummy about everything to do with you and what you're doing "wrong", plus you're free of him leeching off you now and in the future. Invest in your own self, OP. Watch out for the signs in the next guy and only commit to someone who's going to add to your life. 🌹

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 06/05/2024 07:18

v lucky escape. remember this when he is looking back with you!!

ImustLearn2Cook · 06/05/2024 07:59

That is a lucky escape. FWIW you are allowed to reconsider a financial decision like that and you are allowed to change your mind. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t mean you’re flaky or untrustworthy. Just means that after looking at the rental market you have realised that it isn’t affordable and therefore not feasible.

Maddie212 · 06/05/2024 08:28

shieldmaiden7 · 05/05/2024 22:48

Run for the hills. Honestly. He sounds like he could be my ex and it doesn't get better. For example his mum needed cataract surgery and he blamed it on me, saying the arguments we kept having was causing him stress which stressed his mum out because she could tell something was wrong and I caused the eye problems 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh god, I've had some variation of this too. He got told to shove it, I'm not responsible for him telling his parents our problems, or him arguing with me on speaker in front of them.

Maddie212 · 06/05/2024 08:29

He's done you a massive favour op. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and it's not up it job to handhold and suffer through it

Hugosmaid · 06/05/2024 08:29

DenimDuck · 01/05/2024 23:23

He said -

No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

"Well tough expect you to take responsibility for your actions, nothing wrong with my mum knowing "

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "

I'm not sure if I'm crazy for telling him he shouldn't say anything or if he is

Oh Jesus OP! Dont move him with him!!!!!

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