To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

[DenimDuck]

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

He's nice as long as he is getting his own way. When you don't do what he wants he lashes out at you and runs to his Mum. FGS dont move in with him!

Those comments are all really quite horrible. Sure everything is lovely when he's happy, but when he's not, THIS is who he is. Someone who goes all out to make you feel like you're in the wrong, and there's always this underlying threat now that if you don't do what he wants he'll "tell" on you. He wants to shame you into shutting up. He is showing you who he really is when that facade comes down.

So you don't stick up for yourself because you don't want to rock the boat, and before you know it you're constantly walking on eggshells stuck with Mr Cocklodger and his mummy on speed dial.

Feeling like he's always right and you're always wrong will grind you down. It is no way to live OP.

I don't think it's a problem that he wants to talk to someone,I just wish it wish it wasn't his mum every time

Agree with this.
He can talk to his mum all he likes, but if she thinks him not paying equal is you looking bad, she won't have raised him very well. He's going to have her in his corner undoing any good you are trying to teach him with how to treat women. Go before you get too invested. Better men are out there.

We don't actually argue that much, most of the time it's very good. We have a good time together and he's kind.
He is never horrible to me

But then when we do argue he always manages to convince me I'm wrong.

That last sentence sets off warning bells for me.

I don't think it's a problem that he wants to talk to someone,I just wish it wish it wasn't his mum every time

@DenimDuck why on earth wouldn't he talk to his mum??? That's such a weird thing to say.

Talking to his mum every time we argue makes me look bad, I don't tell my mum every time we argue.
I'd like to get married and have kids one day and I don't want a bad relationship with my mother in law

One thing I hear from my aunties or married friends is always try and have a good relationship with your mother in law, and that's what I really want

I wouldn't base how good your relationship is on how he treats you when things are going well. Base it on how he treats you when things aren't going well. .

It's ok for him to confide in his mum but he doesn't need to throw it back in your face.
And he shouldn't be saying horrible things during rows.

The thing is relationships get more challenging the longer you are together and the more responsibilities you gain. If he's not respectful now it's only going to get worse.

Op there are some red flags here.

The issue isn’t talking to his mum, the issue is what he’s saying about you and what you’re arguing about. He sounds like a whiny petulant child and has no respect for you.

You don’t really need to keep apologising for changing your mind about the house stuff. The issue was that you originally made the wrong decision. Anything other than splitting bills and rent 50/50 when moving into together for the first time and not married is LUDICROUS. All you needee to say is ‘sorry i’ve had a rethink and believe my original decision wasn’t the best one’. That’s it.

If he is this pissed off about not having his gf pay his rent for him, imagine how he will be further on in a relationship. Money honestly destroys relationships if everyone isn’t open and in agreement and sensible. I would run for the hills. He is slagging you off to his mum for being sensible.

What's his mum like OP?

My DDs tell me when they've had an argument with their BFs but I do tell them if I think they're being unreasonable. I don't just believe they're in the right because they're my DDs, if they're being unfair I tell them - maybe his mum does too?

Regardless though, he sounds like a dick in general expecting you to subsidise him so if you're not going to run at least make sure your contraception is 💯

My dh was like this and all that happened is by the time we had kids his mum and sister had built up a view of me as being a bitch. It really caused a lot of problems. Our small disagreements that everyone has got twisted into something more. They could never get passed it and so treated me badly and it cause so much drama when it came to our dc .
They have never got to know me and based my entire personality on him moaning about me when he needed a rant .
He is quite spoilt and entitled. And caused himself a lot of stress over it.
Thankfully as he has got older he stopped doing it. But the damage was done years ago .

Well, as others have said, you can’t stop him telling his mum stuff.
Question is, why would you want to stay with someone who is supposedly an adult but thinks this is mature, ok behaviour?

You agreed to pay his rent, why!? Thank god you did change your mind. Don't move in with him please. He can tell his mum what he likes, but if it's 'the truth' she should be advising him to stop stropping about the fact he might have to pay his fair share of a rental flat like a grown up.

@DenimDuck

Totally 💯 agree with you @Blobblobblob

the only thing i would say differently
Is that he is an immature man child manipulative one to boot this new boyfriend,

He will allways hot foot to his mother or if she is not emotionally available for whatever reason
He will as sure as daytime follows night 🌙 time someone else who he knows will be on his side,
as conveniently he will allways alter the narrative somewhat or tell half story 🙄 to ensure you look in bad light and himself look in better light to suit his hidden agender,

to the other person,
It's called Trigulation toxic relantship dynamic
He will often play you off against someone else
He could well have a personality disorder of some sort,
this type quite often has..

My advice is to hot 🔥 foot it out of this situation this relationship as soon as possible
before you get in too deep with this kind of head fuck of a guy,
and you live to regret it...

If someone a boyfriend/ partner comes across, or and makes you feel disoriented weird, in their ways demeaner or and what they say to you,

believe them

they are telling who they really are..

ignore at your peril..

How do i know ?

Cause ive been there ..

This.

@DenimDuck

I think it's definite control thing going on and it could get worse as time goes on.

Ugh. He’s a child looking for another mum - he’s not a grownup.
please don’t pay this baby’s bills.
please don’t move in with him.

it will never stop. Mama’s boys are not good relationship material.

Agree with @Newnamehiwhodis sentiments too..
"You've nailed it on the head.."

Op you're so wise not to fund your partner. You were right to change your mind- changing course in the light of new evidence is an essential part of life. Your partner should know this as a university graduate. It scares me how many men are happy to sponge off women. I think you will see eventually that you can do much much better than this guy. Actually he sounds manipulative.

I find this a real off put, your private relationship should be that.

Although I have to say if this was a woman saying she tells her mum and her DP objected, answers would be very different .

He’s a child, expecting you to be his mum and he’s getting his actual mother involved so that you refrain from doing anything to upset her little boy.

How he treats you when things don’t go his way is what you should be paying more attention to.

I’m glad you came to your senses and backed out of the 50/50 deal. There’s a very big chance if you continued with the offer, the incentive for him to find better paying work would disappear because his surrogate mum would be picking up his slack.

I understand your want to drive the relationship forward but it never ends well when you have to drag your partner to do this. I’ve been there and it didn’t end well because he wasn’t ready to be the partner I wanted him to be. He went along with things, until he couldn’t be bothered to.

@DenimDuck
If you want a good relationship with her, then build one. It doesn't just happen magically, and it won't not happen because he tells her about your disagreements. I really think that you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You need to think about your relationship as a whole, and work out if it works for you.

The red flag here is not wanting to pay his way, maybe he should just stay with his mum

That's all well and good just don't let it be this one .
As for good relationship with a mil in the future don't be a doormat, respect and empathy is a two way street.
As for laddo I'll put money on he doesn't tell mummykins about his fuck ups and tantrums.
Op time to get shot of this knobber.