To not want my boyfriend telling his mum about all our arguments?

[DenimDuck]

Every time we argue my boyfriend tells his mum about it.

He says he has to because when she calls she knows he is upset and he won't lie to his mum so he tells her.

I worry that she won't like me because of this

Today we argued because we are supposed to move in together soon, looking for apartments to rent and had a disagreement about splitting bills ( he doesn't have a good job at the moment and is looking for something better,I originally agreed to pay most rent, but changed my mind and I want to get cheaper and do half each which upset him and I do understand that)

he told his mum when she called

I told him I don't like it and can he please stop telling her- he said a few things

"No I won't lie to my mum to make you look better"

Also he knows what he's doing. He's making sure you do what he says/wants because otherwise he will tell his mummy on you. He knows you fear this and is using it against you.

At the moment your a couple. You were planning to move in together. Meanwhile anytime you argue he runs to mammy and tells her everything. You were going to pay most of the rent and bills in a new place because at the moment he has not a great job.
He then told you he is not sure about getting married or having children.

You decided then that if you move in together you move to a cheaper place and will each pay 50/50 of the rent and bills. Because of this he is not happy. Well the reality is that if he leaves home he can only move into a place to suit his current financial situation.
The truth is that he needs your income to do this.
Why should you take a financial hit to enable him to leave home and live in a nicer place?
Then he could sit back and make no effort to get a better job.
Or better still he gets a better job and then feels he could do better relationship wise and leaves you with an expensive rental and bills you can't afford.
At least you realised this and decided this was not going to happen.

To be honest he is showing you what he is like and your beginning to see more of this. I would not move in with him as he sounds very immature. He wants everything his way and has not learned as an adult you don't tell your mother every time you have an argument/disagreement ect. When you argue he makes you feel that you are always in the wrong or it's your fault.
Then he knows that in time you want to get married and have a family and he told you he is not sure about getting married or having children.

I think you should end things with him. If it is this hard now it will get worse if you move in together. I think as well that long term you want different things. I move on to enable you to meet a man who wants the same as you long term.

Run. Run fast and far. I speak from experience and if I could go back in time I would have run instead of being in a weird three person relationship where the third was mummy dearest.
I don’t like to lie to either of my parents or my siblings, but if they do ask me why I’m upset and it’s to do with my partner I just say “oh it’s personal stuff, but it will be sorted soon” and they respect that. If it’s my mum or dad they will probably ring back the next day and ask if I’m okay, and maybe then I’ll say “oh yhe just a stupid argument about DP using the last of the milk”. Also, they already know and like him so it’s different. There are ways to not lie to your family while keeping it private.

He speaks to his mum for advice, you speak to total strangers who don't know either of you, taking the risk your issues are shared nationally in the papers and potentially getting people who know both of you wondering if it could be you...

Yes, him speaking to his mum is much worse!

Your partner sounds immature and not a good prospect for marriage. There are better men out there.

He sounds v manipulative. The issue is not that he speaks to his mother but he does so in terms designed to pressure you into paying for him - it’s not my fault you look bad etc.

It’s absolutely reasonable to change your mind once he indicated he wasn’t sure if he wanted to marry you. Why would you support him like you would a husband if she’s not sure about you.

If you are not into marriage, no issue. But if you are, absolutely do not compromise. Leave him. Find someone who values you.

How many of the people crying “mummy’s boy” are quite happy to go to their mums for relationship advice?

However, he should have more sense than to reveal the contents of private conversations with his mum.

He sounds a mummy's boy and very immature. I would not move in with him. Things will not improve.

I dunno, this sounds like the sort of thing I'd talk to my mum about? Especially about a boyfriend I wasn't yet living with?

Is he bitching in a loud voice on the phone knowing you'll hear? Or telling you about it afterwards? Both unreasonable. If not how are you finding out about it?

Seems fair enough if he doesn't want to commit.

@DenimDuck

This guy you are with
Is not emotionally mature to be in a relationship with anybody,

He obviously likes the advantages the benefits of being in one

along as he suits him

It’s not him talking to his mum that’s the issue, more you having rows all the time.

YABU

You’re completely right. Been with my husband nearly 20 years and his mum still can’t let go of the one thing I said in retaliation to his behaviour (which he neglected to tell her) from the first fucking year.

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "

This says it all. He doesn't like you.

The thing is, he's not just "talking to his mother", is he? From what he has said - as in, this is his point of view - he's telling his mother the whole truth about how absolutely awful his girfriend is. And what's bad about the girlfriend? Well for example, she won't agree to rent a place with him and cover most of the rent. Any mother who is presented with that fact as a complaint should be telling her son that he's being an entitled arse, not backing him up. So either he lies / wildly exaggerates to mummy so he can feel justified in being an entitled abusive prick, or mummy has really brought him up to be like that and agrees with his shitty behaviour.

"Everything is great in out relationship except when my fella doesn't get it all his own way" is something that I read on here with depressing frequency.

The thing about not marrying you - was that him changing his mind?

I'm not particularly pro marriage, but if you are he doesn't want to commit to it, why are you moving in with him?

Run ! Mummy's boys don't make good partners

YANBU. He is setting it up so his family have a bad view of you and he will automatically have backup/you will automatically feel outnumbered and unreasonable in any disagreement because ‘everyone agrees with him.’ It’s a very manipulative tactic.

its not normal to discuss every disagreement with your mum and you wouldn’t be unreasonable in the least to leave the relationship.

ETA my ex was like this, down to sharing our whatsapp history with his mum. It made me scared to ever disagree with him (obviously I wasn’t doing the same with my parents, they’d have thought I was being ridiculous). He was massively babied by his parents and afaik has never been in another relationship!

People are entitled to change their minds without getting sulked at. He needs to grow the hell up and stop spilling to his mummy every 5 minutes.
She is going to end up disliking you (if she doesn't already), and you'll be on MN in five years time saying how much you don't get on with eachother! She will always see her little boy's side. If she had anything about her, she would have actually agreed with you regarding paying the bills 50/50 etc.

That is such an awful thing to say- you hate men who need to talk to someone? Why? Aren't they entitled to share their feelings and emotions too? Or is this some weird gender stereotype around men shouldn't cry? 😬

don’t move in with or subsidise him.

doubt many people would like their boyfriend or girlfriend to talk this much about their relationship with a family member, especially a parent!

He is entitled to share his feelings with his mother but is he always playing the victim and telling her one-side of the story? Does he also share good things about you or is it just the arguments? If that's not the case, then he is painting a negative picture of you to his family, which can create problems in the future. You should call him out on this behaviour.
What kind of a woman is his mother- is she the fair, kind type, who is likely to make him see his own faults too or is she the my boy can do no wrong type? That would also impact on his behaviours.

If he makes you feel like you are wrong all the time, that is a major red flag on its own and a sign that this relationship will only cause misery.

It was sarcasm.

• Well tough expect you to take responsibility for your actions, nothing wrong with my mum knowing "

"Why would you do what you do and expect people to like you "*

These two statements make it very clear he is not talking to him mum because he needs someone to talk to. He is talking to her as a petty act of revenge against you.

You do what you think best but I would run screaming from someone like that. Especially if the revenge was for deciding I don't want to fund their lazy arse after all.

He also has to take responsibility for HIS actions.