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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:28

user6890one · 16/04/2024 08:20

But if you want to get into equal rights and feminism etc etc, then I think women CHOOSING is paramount and wouldn't try to denounce other women with "trad wife" slurs.

This. ^ Some (so called feminists,) get SO angry when other woman choose the life of a SAHM/homemaker, and are prefer a man who has a good income. They are very sneery and sarcastic. Clearly jealous because they can't get any man to support them in the life that 'trad wives' and SAHMs have.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:29

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:17

@blossomtoes why are you so angry? You seem to value liberation...has it occurred to you that @OnigiriJones feels liberation with her set up? Maybe just chill out and accept other people have different happinesses to you and you don't need convert everyone to your way of thinking

👏 Some women seem to have spectacularly missed the point that FEMINISM is about women having the CHOICE.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:34

I’m aghast and appalled that decades of feminism have been wasted on some women.

I have two MAs, earn well into 6 figures, own property acquired before I married my husband, bought 99% of my handbag and shoe and watch collection, I speak more languages than my husband, play more instruments, know more about the arts...

I chose a man that loves to "spoil me" (to him, it's not spoiling. It's just the way it's done). I got the best of both worlds. I don't think anything was wasted on me. I got the exact life and brain I wanted.

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 16:39

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:34

I’m aghast and appalled that decades of feminism have been wasted on some women.

I have two MAs, earn well into 6 figures, own property acquired before I married my husband, bought 99% of my handbag and shoe and watch collection, I speak more languages than my husband, play more instruments, know more about the arts...

I chose a man that loves to "spoil me" (to him, it's not spoiling. It's just the way it's done). I got the best of both worlds. I don't think anything was wasted on me. I got the exact life and brain I wanted.

Good for you so you’re clearly not the kind of woman I was talking about, are you?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 16/04/2024 16:40

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 09:41

So, how do you determine how much a person has "invested" in a date to decide who pays? Train tickets, petrol, outfits, toiletries?
First date, split the cost. Fairer.
You develop a relationship? Take it from there.

I'm not asking you to get the calculator out and tot it up to the penny. But if I've travelled to your home town for a date, then it's pretty obvious that i've spent more time, money and effort to get to you than you have to me.

And OP was more than willing to split the cost but HE jumped in and said he would pay.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:44

No, I think I am. You broad-brushed every woman who, per @OnigiriJones' post, wants to be or is looked after by [their] husband"

My husband earns more than 10 times what I do and paid for everything (and I mean everything) whilst dating. Now we are married, half of everything is mine to spend. I have no intention of working very very soon and I'm in my 30s. I'll fuck about at the gym and doing courses and Pilates.

I think you think you weren't talking about "women like me" because I refute your belief that only airhead idiots are Stepford wives.

Calliecarpa · 16/04/2024 16:46

This thread is genuinely fascinating in an appalling way. We could do a quiz, 'Who said the following? Andrew Tate, someone in the 1950s, or women on MN in the year 2024?'

'Women shouldn't travel to meet men on dates because it devalues them!' Gotta be Tate, right? Or someone in the 1950s? Nope! It's MN!

'Men must always pay on dates'. The 1950s? No, lots of women on MN in the third decade of the 21st century.

'Men are 'men' in inverted commas if they don't earn a high salary'. MN again!

Plus all the sneering at someone buying food for a homeless man. 'Get rid of a man who does that!' Jeez, some people on this site are fucking grim.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:47

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:44

No, I think I am. You broad-brushed every woman who, per @OnigiriJones' post, wants to be or is looked after by [their] husband"

My husband earns more than 10 times what I do and paid for everything (and I mean everything) whilst dating. Now we are married, half of everything is mine to spend. I have no intention of working very very soon and I'm in my 30s. I'll fuck about at the gym and doing courses and Pilates.

I think you think you weren't talking about "women like me" because I refute your belief that only airhead idiots are Stepford wives.

Great post! Grin👏

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:50

@Calliecarpa Are you OK? You seem really angry. Shock

It seems that women having different views to you upsets you quite a lot! You need to get out a bit more! 😎

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 16:50

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:44

No, I think I am. You broad-brushed every woman who, per @OnigiriJones' post, wants to be or is looked after by [their] husband"

My husband earns more than 10 times what I do and paid for everything (and I mean everything) whilst dating. Now we are married, half of everything is mine to spend. I have no intention of working very very soon and I'm in my 30s. I'll fuck about at the gym and doing courses and Pilates.

I think you think you weren't talking about "women like me" because I refute your belief that only airhead idiots are Stepford wives.

In which case you think wrong. Always a problem when you assume you know what someone thinks. And if someone as well educated and obviously intelligent as you appear is content to “fuck about at the gym” and won’t be bored to tears I’ll judge you. If I’m feeling charitable I’ll feel sorry for you in your golden cage with your career currency diminishing.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:51

😂

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 16:52

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:50

@Calliecarpa Are you OK? You seem really angry. Shock

It seems that women having different views to you upsets you quite a lot! You need to get out a bit more! 😎

Oh, is this the latest? The faux concern with the tilted head because anger is apparently wrong. I guess it’s unfeminine and doesn’t go down well with men who want kept wives.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:52

I'll happy as fuck at the gym! A far better use of my time than what I do at work for middle aged bankers Grin

I can't wait for my life of Riley, going to galleries when I feel like it, shopping. My time is now All Mine. That life makes me happy.

I'll think of you fondly at my next massage.

Calliecarpa · 16/04/2024 16:54

So on this page of the thread alone, we've had that women are 'jealous' if they don't like the idea of being a kept wife in a cage, and now that we're 'angry'. Oh but of course. Wowee, feminism really has passed some women by.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:56

@Calliecarpa ...because you've assumed we're all kept women in a cage.

I'm not. I've got a brain. I have mobility. I'm not trapped. It just so happens I got a rich husband who adores me and wants me to do whatever I want as long as I'm happy.

Free woman and "spoiled" can coexist in the same person. THAT's the issue.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:57

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:52

I'll happy as fuck at the gym! A far better use of my time than what I do at work for middle aged bankers Grin

I can't wait for my life of Riley, going to galleries when I feel like it, shopping. My time is now All Mine. That life makes me happy.

I'll think of you fondly at my next massage.

LOL! 😆 I love how angry and frustrated your lifestyle choice (which is wonderful) is making some posters.

They can't BEAR it that women who are intelligent and well-educated, choose a life of leisure and 'homemaking...' They just can't take it. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE!!! 😂

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:58

Calliecarpa · 16/04/2024 16:54

So on this page of the thread alone, we've had that women are 'jealous' if they don't like the idea of being a kept wife in a cage, and now that we're 'angry'. Oh but of course. Wowee, feminism really has passed some women by.

Kept in a cage? 😆 WTAF are you on about?!

And yep, jealousy.. That's what it is. Green eyed monster alert! Grin

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 16:58

All the anger’s in your head @SabreIsMyFave. You seem weirdly obsessed with it.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 16:59

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:56

@Calliecarpa ...because you've assumed we're all kept women in a cage.

I'm not. I've got a brain. I have mobility. I'm not trapped. It just so happens I got a rich husband who adores me and wants me to do whatever I want as long as I'm happy.

Free woman and "spoiled" can coexist in the same person. THAT's the issue.

THIS ^ Some posters can't stand it can they? 😆

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 16/04/2024 17:01

If I had a rich DH I'd fuck about at the gym.

bellezarara · 16/04/2024 17:03

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:34

I’m aghast and appalled that decades of feminism have been wasted on some women.

I have two MAs, earn well into 6 figures, own property acquired before I married my husband, bought 99% of my handbag and shoe and watch collection, I speak more languages than my husband, play more instruments, know more about the arts...

I chose a man that loves to "spoil me" (to him, it's not spoiling. It's just the way it's done). I got the best of both worlds. I don't think anything was wasted on me. I got the exact life and brain I wanted.

@Blossomtoes

I’d take this with a pinch of salt. Here is @FakeMiddleton on another thread today, she’s too cheap to pay for a ticket for someone else, including her husband, unless it’s a BOGOF affair 😂

But over my dead body are we getting to a show and I'm buying the ticket right in front of him as we stand by th le card machine.

What I would do is I would say to them "oh, there's an exhibition at X. Would you like to go with me", and as I'm a member of a lot of places with a +1, I'd "pay" that way.‘

user6890one · 16/04/2024 17:04

@YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog - IKR?

And before it starts: nooooo, it's not because my captor husband makes me stay trim to be a Trophy Wife. I just like weights and had a PT for years before I knew my DH existed. It's a hobby. It brings me joy.

bellezarara · 16/04/2024 17:04

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:56

@Calliecarpa ...because you've assumed we're all kept women in a cage.

I'm not. I've got a brain. I have mobility. I'm not trapped. It just so happens I got a rich husband who adores me and wants me to do whatever I want as long as I'm happy.

Free woman and "spoiled" can coexist in the same person. THAT's the issue.

Username checks out 😂

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 17:04

Bad form @bellezarara

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 17:05

Don't bite @FakeMiddleton