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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
OnigiriJones · 15/04/2024 21:14

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:19

Jesus..so poor men can't date? Given that a restaurant meal out now is going to struggle to be under £30 for two adults, that's a big statement I think. So we equate being "into someone" with flashing the cash but sneering at this guy as "performative" for helping someone in need? Some odd thinking here.

When I was at uni the boys still paid even if struggling as we’d do super cheap things. Even had McDonalds with a Med student who’d never dream of a girl paying. Went on lovely picnics, or just sat in parks drinking coffee. Men can still be gentleman even if their budget is tight. Oh, and when a man wants to impress, nothing will stop him.

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 21:19

Who would they be impressing, with their assumption that the poor female is incapable of being their equal, purely because she is female ? Confused

OnigiriJones · 15/04/2024 21:24

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 21:19

Who would they be impressing, with their assumption that the poor female is incapable of being their equal, purely because she is female ? Confused

Nothing in life is equal. I prefer to know I have a man capable of taking care of me and our children. Like a real man. Luckily my husband does exactly that. He didn’t marry me to be an economic contributor. He married me because he loves me and treats me like a lady. I’m very blessed. And from the outset, he picked me up for our dates and he paid.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 22:37

@OnigiriJones wouldn't you rather have the security of knowing you can look after and take care of yourself? Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to be treated, to be told not to worry about x every now and then but I'd feel pretty bloody vulnerable if most or all of my security relied on someone else's sex drive / attraction to me. To bin off a first date on the basis of what the op has said seems unfair.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 00:14

Who says she's relying?

You can be independently successful and still want (and get) the utmost from a man.

Mmhmmn · 16/04/2024 00:19

Not cool, OP. Your travel costs have nothing to do with him. He’s not your employer. In this day and age you go 50/50. YABU there.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 00:39

@Mmhmmn - as a counter, she went more than 50/50. She travelled to him!

dontcryformeargentina · 16/04/2024 01:51

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

Totally agree with this

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/04/2024 07:38

@FakeMiddleton oh come on..she said he doesn't rely on her to be a financial contributor and looks after his family like a real man. That's the most nakedly trad wife thing I've read on here for ages. So are men who SAHD not real men then? Or who are skilled and dedicated nurses / teachers / gardeners but not high earners?

pawpawgingins · 16/04/2024 07:43

AIBU to travel 1 hour for the first date in the first place!

user6890one · 16/04/2024 08:19

@BibbleandSqwauk - don't want to derail the thread, but for, me, no. SAHDs and low earners (albeit skilled) are not who I personally would consider "men". Would never date them, have never dated them, just not for me and works for me. If that makes me trad wife, ok.

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 08:20

@FakeMiddleton would you go for a medium one then? 😁

user6890one · 16/04/2024 08:20

But if you want to get into equal rights and feminism etc etc, then I think women CHOOSING is paramount and wouldn't try to denounce other women with "trad wife" slurs.

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 08:26

user6890one · 16/04/2024 08:19

@BibbleandSqwauk - don't want to derail the thread, but for, me, no. SAHDs and low earners (albeit skilled) are not who I personally would consider "men". Would never date them, have never dated them, just not for me and works for me. If that makes me trad wife, ok.

Bloody hell. I wonder how many men bankrolling women know they think like this? And how long they’d carry on doing it if they did?

user6890one · 16/04/2024 10:02

And how many men wouldn't date an ugly/fat/blonde/brunette/short/tall/whatever woman? It's a preference.

I don't find someone who earns less than me attractive. Plenty of men don't find women who earn more than them attractive.

Oh, to be a whole species and not have uniform tastes!

Greyat · 16/04/2024 10:06

I think the date probably hesitated becuase he wasn't sure what the right thing to do is and was waiting for your lead. Some women are offended at being paid for and some prefer to pay for themselves so that there can be no feeling that he's "owed" something.

You had a great time and he clearly has a generous heart, so I wouldn't take him not paying for your dinner as a negative.

Comedycook · 16/04/2024 10:10

Greyat · 16/04/2024 10:06

I think the date probably hesitated becuase he wasn't sure what the right thing to do is and was waiting for your lead. Some women are offended at being paid for and some prefer to pay for themselves so that there can be no feeling that he's "owed" something.

You had a great time and he clearly has a generous heart, so I wouldn't take him not paying for your dinner as a negative.

If this is the case, that would be enough for me to not see him again. I dislike awkward, self conscious men who can't handle a social situation with ease.

OnigiriJones · 16/04/2024 12:23

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 22:37

@OnigiriJones wouldn't you rather have the security of knowing you can look after and take care of yourself? Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to be treated, to be told not to worry about x every now and then but I'd feel pretty bloody vulnerable if most or all of my security relied on someone else's sex drive / attraction to me. To bin off a first date on the basis of what the op has said seems unfair.

I can take care of myself but prefer that my husband take care of me so I can be free to take care of him. Get it? Women are now expected to do everything. I prefer a more pleasant, loving and kinder life with a real man.

Janetime · 16/04/2024 12:25

OnigiriJones · 16/04/2024 12:23

I can take care of myself but prefer that my husband take care of me so I can be free to take care of him. Get it? Women are now expected to do everything. I prefer a more pleasant, loving and kinder life with a real man.

I don’t get that and I’m sorry the people in your life expect you to do everything as you are a woman, my experience is very different.

flutterby1 · 16/04/2024 13:48

I'd be annoyed if he didn't offer to pay for me on a first date, old fashioned yes, but I've had a lot of dates and they've all offered to pay without hesitation. Not to say that going Dutch isn't the way forward. The demonstrative side of the charity giving is cringe. So yeah, I'd feel hard done by as a student and wouldn't bother further with tight arse.

EveryoneJapan · 16/04/2024 14:04

This is quite a long chat now and I’m still
unclear whether the date and the homeless guy are seeing each other again? Him running off doesn’t bode particularly well for them having a second date but it would be good to know whether anything came of it.

OnigiriJones · 16/04/2024 14:34

Janetime · 16/04/2024 12:25

I don’t get that and I’m sorry the people in your life expect you to do everything as you are a woman, my experience is very different.

You have deliberately misread what I wrote. Don’t you want to do things for those you love? My husband does everything for me and our children. Just as I do everything for them. That’s what makes a family. Sorry you work full-time, pay your own way etc. sounds glum.

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 15:28

OnigiriJones · 16/04/2024 14:34

You have deliberately misread what I wrote. Don’t you want to do things for those you love? My husband does everything for me and our children. Just as I do everything for them. That’s what makes a family. Sorry you work full-time, pay your own way etc. sounds glum.

It’s bloody liberating is what it is and very far from “glum”. You should try it sometime, if your Stepford husband would allow you.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:17

@blossomtoes why are you so angry? You seem to value liberation...has it occurred to you that @OnigiriJones feels liberation with her set up? Maybe just chill out and accept other people have different happinesses to you and you don't need convert everyone to your way of thinking

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 16:27

user6890one · 16/04/2024 16:17

@blossomtoes why are you so angry? You seem to value liberation...has it occurred to you that @OnigiriJones feels liberation with her set up? Maybe just chill out and accept other people have different happinesses to you and you don't need convert everyone to your way of thinking

I’m not angry or attempting to convert anyone. I’m aghast and appalled that decades of feminism have been wasted on some women.