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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
Upinthenightagain · 15/04/2024 09:23

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:19

Jesus..so poor men can't date? Given that a restaurant meal out now is going to struggle to be under £30 for two adults, that's a big statement I think. So we equate being "into someone" with flashing the cash but sneering at this guy as "performative" for helping someone in need? Some odd thinking here.

I wouldn’t date a poor man. It’s not a film where the poor bloke is bound to prosper in the end with the support of a loving, patient woman. No dating ‘fixer uppers’ thanks.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 09:28

Well, this is an eye opener. Looking for wealth and expecting the man to always pay. Oh, and criticising someone for an act of charity.

Thecastle1 · 15/04/2024 09:28

Bumblebeeinatree · 15/04/2024 07:43

If the 'homeless' person just wanted money not food, he probably has a good bed to go home to after conning the public into giving him money.

Who suggested the date? If it was him I think he should pay, particularly if you had to travel, if it was a 'lets meet up' type of thing 50:50 probably, although it would have been nice if he'd offered.

Or.... he wasn't hungry at that particular moment

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 15/04/2024 09:36

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

I agree with this.

And I also agree with @grinandslothit 's post - so what if one person was better off as a student than a working person - that's clearly not the inference here.

He was trying to show off by buying a homeless man food. He was trying to put you in your place by ensuring you paid for your half - and yes, I do think that if one half makes a substantial commitment, in both time and money, to make the date, then the other person should cover the cost of the actual date.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 09:41

So, how do you determine how much a person has "invested" in a date to decide who pays? Train tickets, petrol, outfits, toiletries?
First date, split the cost. Fairer.
You develop a relationship? Take it from there.

Ohwellithappens · 15/04/2024 10:16

@CutthroatDruTheViolent I agree, I hadn't expressed it as well as you have but I think that you have nailed it when you say that "he was trying to put you in your place".

ohlookimbackagain · 15/04/2024 11:58

BronwenTheBrave · 15/04/2024 09:08

So many red flags here. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

Refusing to pay your bills and offering charity to a homeless person. Red flags for sure 🙄

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 17:16

@Upinthenightagain I think that's really sad. He might be poor because he's supporting a child or elderly parents, or because he can't move from an expensive area due to commitments. Poor doesn't have to equal workshy / thick / layabout.

newnamechange98 · 15/04/2024 17:18

PattyDuckface · 14/04/2024 21:48

Urgh everything about this would put me off him.

Balking at paying- yuck.
Fannying around buying a homeless man a dinner.

I'd bin him.

It puts you off when people buy food for homeless people? Wow you sound delightful

newnamechange98 · 15/04/2024 17:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

samestyle · 15/04/2024 17:26

I wouldn't mind splitting the bill, however most men will offer to pay, but the fact you had to travel an hour sounds like he wasn't that interested, I assume he didn't also travel an hour? I would of left at the point of him insisting on taking the homeless man into the fast food place, that isn't part of the date as far as I'm concerned.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 17:28

Of course helping a homeless man wasn't part of the date.
It's something he did to help another person!

Bewareofthisonetoo · 15/04/2024 17:38

Don’t travel an hour for a date.

Upinthenightagain · 15/04/2024 17:48

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 17:16

@Upinthenightagain I think that's really sad. He might be poor because he's supporting a child or elderly parents, or because he can't move from an expensive area due to commitments. Poor doesn't have to equal workshy / thick / layabout.

Sad but smart. Dating isn’t charity.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/04/2024 17:58

Samlewis96 · 15/04/2024 07:11

I'm 52. Only time I have cash is when I go to a bootsale. What's age got to do with it

I suggest you read the message trail which specifically mentions age

UndertheCedartree · 15/04/2024 17:59

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 15/04/2024 07:43

I thought everyone knew to not give money to people on the street as it would go on drink and drugs.

I always thought it was better to buy food, or food for their dogs.

the fact he disappeared shows the he wanted money for drink or drugs

No, many of us like to give homeless people the same agency over what they do with their money as we have ourselves. Homeless people need other things beside food and they can often get food quite easily at food banks or soup kitchens.

Would you suggest a company refuse to pay an employee in money but give them food instead because they know they might spend it on drugs or alcohol?

Nothing wrong with offering food, of course. But nothing wrong with giving money, either. There are complex reasons why a homeless person may drink alcohol etc. and me refusing to give them money will not change that.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/04/2024 18:01

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:01

But chances are he didn't have any cash..people rarely do these days. As for "performative" how do you know he doesn't do that all the time? I guy I know from school does this regularly..he actually asks the person what they'd like and goes gets it rather than assuming they should be grateful for anything. Don't know why the guy disappeared but that's not the date's fault.

Performative - queuing in line and buying it for the guy give him cash or let him order himself and just pay at the till / kiosk.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 19:03

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese maybe the homeless guy didn't want to queue up with a lot of people feeling conspicuous. Who knows...I just think people are falling over themselves to insist it's a red flag and the guy's a creep. And @Upinthenightagain I think you have a very cynical viewpoint. I'm all for not being taken advantage of / avoiding freeloaders but it's hard enough to find a decent, compatible guy without ruling out a huge % because they don't have certain bank balance. What if they feel the same way ..do you have to swap payslips before the first drink?

TerfTalking · 15/04/2024 19:10

Meh, couldn’t get upset about paying half, however the hesitation at the bill whilst buying the homeless food is a bit 🤨

anyway, you seeing him again?

CommentNow · 15/04/2024 19:16

I'll make the same observation I did on another thread. He wants to look like a good guy to the world but actually probably isnt behind closed doors.

He also knows McDonalds is less than dinner so a cheaper way to buy good-guy credits.

He was also being weirdly embarrassing about forcing a homeless person into a food shop to buy food. Yes, we all know money might go on drugs so if that's a concern then you make a donation to charity.

Actually marching a homeless person into a food venue has weird controlling creepy-daddy vibes. I'd have felt humiliated if I was taken into a food venue so everyone could see someone buying me food I couldn't afford as their good deed. Mortifying for everyone.

Bin for him.

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 19:19

Why should a man travel to the woman and not the other way round?
I don't get this.

Nor me.
Nor do I get why people are saying "he's not that in to you" if he hasn't travelled. I mean, it was a first date. How would they know how much they are going to like one another ?
I am also flabbergasted that people are admitting to thinking that a man should pay for everything on a first date (or any date) simply because he is a man Hmm
I mean that wasn't the case when I was last dating several decades ago, so I don't understand why these posters have regressed so much.

Emmadaily · 15/04/2024 19:25

Viviennemary · 14/04/2024 23:12

I certainly dont think you should have paid the whole bill. A split sounds reasonable. But buying the meal for a homeless man does sound like he is a nice generous person.

My thoughts also.

SheepAndSword · 15/04/2024 19:38

@TerfTalking I'd like to know if they'll meet again also!

ziggies · 15/04/2024 20:25

Huh? This post is so confusing. Your self esteem is low enough to compete with a homeless man?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/04/2024 20:29

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 19:03

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese maybe the homeless guy didn't want to queue up with a lot of people feeling conspicuous. Who knows...I just think people are falling over themselves to insist it's a red flag and the guy's a creep. And @Upinthenightagain I think you have a very cynical viewpoint. I'm all for not being taken advantage of / avoiding freeloaders but it's hard enough to find a decent, compatible guy without ruling out a huge % because they don't have certain bank balance. What if they feel the same way ..do you have to swap payslips before the first drink?

Maybe. I can only give my views on what OP has said. This is my take.