Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

[UnPCprinciple]

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

Y’all sound like how men would type.

@bellezarara - oh, where did I say that examples includes my current husband? (Besides, it would be half his money anyway?!)

Two different threads. Two different points. It's not hard.

Thanks @bellezarara. I suspected as much. It has all the hallmarks of a fantasist.

Oh @bellezarara - I thought you were a genuine feminist, but your last couple of posts really just highlight that you like to shit on other women.

I can’t stop 🤣🤣🤣

@bellezarara - it involves some critical thinking, but "being cheap" and "not wanting to pay with actual currency on a date" are wildly different things.

Feminists being jealous of other women. Now THAT'S the real paradox.

Feminists being jealous of other women.

Nobody’s jealous of you, dear.

Errr, at least one poster has iterated they'd love to have my lifestyle?

@bellezarara - you also left out from the other thread where I said that when I invite friends to something, I pay for their ticket. Is that cheap?

Some of us don't like to pay for men on dates. It's not a crime. It's a lifestyle I chose. I like to be wined, dined and treated like a princess. My choice. I haven't said the opposite that you may have chosen is wrong.

So, off I fuck to my Pilates class.

You’re a student, he isn’t, you travelled a long way to him and he didn’t. All those reasons are enough for him to pay for your part of the bill. It’s not obligatory but he doesn’t come out as a kind and generous guy. First Big red flag right there. Why did you had to travel that far? Why not meet half way or him come to you as you’re a student? Second big red flag. The Performance charity Because he wants to impress his date is the third red flag 🚩

This guy is a commie parade.

Charities suggest you buy food rather than give money so I think he did the right thing there. Hesitating over paying wouldnt necessarily put me off, it depends on if he's a bit strapped for cash atm or if he's a cheapskate

I don't really care but always think of such people that your mum / family / you must be poor?

^ Or uneducated/unskilled (therefore low earning potential for the rest of their life, hence crucial for their economic survival to find a high-earning partner, which is v fair I suppose given their circumstances)

Ooh, interesting question @ziggies (I mean that sincerely). My parents are both working class - my dad left school at 15 but retired at 36. I went to private schools, swimming pool, room for a pony etc etc. My mum didn't work.

YANBU when I think how much effort most women when compared to most men take to be presentable by society’s standards for a date, putting yourself in potential danger as a women meeting a stranger I am surprised there are so many pick mes. This isn’t equality at all.

Yes, not to be rude but bluntly speaking, your mum was poor / reliant. I always think upbringing/family background factors in to our beliefs and exposure. I had a fortunate upbringing too, but both my mum and dad were high-flying - met in the same industry. As a genuine observation, most well-educated, well-earning women generally don't care about their partner's earning potential.

• my father was not academic but very street smart and he instilled in us that education was a means to a happier life. I am very well educated and have the alphabet of letters after my name etc etc. he got rich through manual labour and did the usual thing of "I want a better life for you"

But I can see the link you're making. I think that's interesting.

I can't speak for my parents, but for me, I would say I look for a high earning partner because, in no particular order

1. I like nice shit
2. I have been resentful of men I've dated who earn the approximately same as me as I've coincidentally I've found myself having to be the adult and push them to be more ambitious
3. daddy issues alert: my dad is extremely hard working, and that's a quality I now find attractive. My husband grew up on a council estate and his drive is so attractive to me. This but combined with No 2 is like: I don't want to be with someone who could accomplish what I already can IYSWIM? I could only respect them if they could match me AND exceed me.

Yes, u agree my mum was poor/reliant but her dating my dad and what/who he is would also have been cultural (she's not white nor British).

In your latter point re well educated etc women not caring about their partner's earning potential, I would disagree from my pool of friends. It's a bit like "I accomplished allllll this, don't you cocklodge. Match me at bare minimum and then make it worth my while by impressing me by doing something I can't" - and given the world, and corporate world in particular, is rigged in favour of men, them exceeding us is equivalent to them achieving the "matched" lower rung of what we have achieved

My syntax and sense there is awful!

We’re expected to believe a man started work at 15, got rich enough to pay for private schools, swimming pool, room for a pony through manual labour and retire at 36? Yeah right. You’re a right little Walter Mitty @FakeMiddleton.

Yes @blossomtoes , because it's my actual life and origins. I'm glad you find it unbelievable - my dad worked so hard and against all the odds. Your disbelief explains why I'm so proud of him.

Actually, no. I retract. I don't expect you to believe anything. I don't care. I'm not out here trying to prove a point to you. I was just having an interesting chat with another poster. If someone else's success rubs you up the wrong way, that's your issue.

Shrug, agree to disagree I guess... Tbh most people of a certain social class are aware that while willingness to work hard is a useful asset, it's not hard work per se that gets you places ("leverage!" was my parents' favourite catchphrase when I was growing up, re tutoring, connections, etc).

I'm actually genuinely surprised you went to boarding school and didn't notice that among your peers, the most successful and prominent now certainly weren't the hardest workers or smartest in the room back then. A few of my former classmates are leading the nation – among them, one extraordinarily hardworking/full of grit but lacking in the brains department (plenty of private tutoring though, even through their Oxbridge studies at the ripe old age of 20), and one just plain lazy (still is from what I hear from those around them).

Confusing - if your husband grew up on a council estate, how is he going to exceed your salary? There were/are vanishingly few council estate people at my uni and in my sector. Even if your husband works really hard, he's never in his lifetime going to out-earn many lazy idiots I know.

I'm attracted to hard work and drive but it's no fault of any man/woman if they were born without connections or a trust fund. My own parents can give me "nice shit" as you say, and what's more there's more than enough for both me and my partner to share...

OP, I'm sorry for derailing your thread.

As my encore derailment, I would just like to address @blossomtoes. I've noticed two things about you today:

1. you have quite the green eyed monster. I think you are bitter and resentful over the success/happiness of others, as others too have pointed out today: and

2. I get the impression that unless you have personally experienced something, you don't believe in it - that goes for blue collar success, others' wealth (would you like a screenshot of my Coutts banking app?!), and the lifestyle choices of "Stepford Wife" women aka "they can't possibly be happy because I wouldn't be in that scenario"

and I wonder why that is and how it's serving you or making you happy.

If you can't read that a stranger on the internet's dyslexic dad (who can only write in capitals, not lower case), busted his ass, emigrated and worked like hell to retire early and send FIVE kids through private school (and the pool was indoor ) without instantly trying to shit on it and be vile, then, whelp. I wonder why you feel the urge to react like that. It doesn't take a genius to ponder the lives of Alan Sugar or John Cohen and all the other poor upstarts that accumulated decent middle class wealth at levels far far less than those two household names.

I wish you just could accept the life choices of others - they don't hurt you or anyone else. I respect your choices in life because it's your life. I wish you well but I've had enough of your relentless hounding and bitterness for one lifetime.

my dad is extremely hard working

I thought he retired at 36?

My single friends say that a man who is trying to impress you or is really into you, will pay. They would prefer to pay for themselves but it’s apparently a big tell.

Do what you want with that information.

😂