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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
user6890one · 16/04/2024 21:12

@ziggies - lol at "leverage!" - and agree. It's the old school tie network for sure. V conscious of that and its Faustian and hypocritical nature, but that's just the world, I guess.

I'm surprised you're surprised because I don't think I said that. Nevertheless, no, I did notice that at boarding school and it probably made me even more conscious of choosing someone that didn't have a trust fund. The laziness and entitlement of the mega rich at my school repulsed me. You have all that wealth and opportunity and just squander it.

BIossomtoes · 16/04/2024 21:14

You have all that wealth and opportunity and just squander it.

Says a woman in her 30s who reckons she’s giving up work to be a kept woman.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 21:15

@exomoon - you can be retired and still be hardworking. It's not like you cash in and then sit in a chair and wait for death.

JustJessi · 16/04/2024 21:15

Haha the comments on this thread! Buying a women dinner is not treating her as a charity case.

On my first date with my DH, he paid, no questions asked. Three courses with wine. Suited and booted. Impeccably mannered. Placed me in a taxi, with a peck on the cheek, checked in with me the whole way home to ensure my safety.

He was demonstrating to me that he holds traditional values, and they continue to be very important to us both.

You get to choose what is acceptable to you OP, you don’t need anyone else to tell you that it’s unreasonable to expect your date to pay. Hold onto your values, they are for you and you only. Everyone else can live how they wish.

user6890one · 16/04/2024 21:18

Your relentless hounding and shitting on others point proven, @blossomtoes.

How can you squander an opportunity if you feel you've fulfilled your potential? Again, if I did what you would consider worthy, it might look something like my life in my 20s: I'll work like crazy in the City, end up on anti-depressants and envision being in the work lift praying it malfunctions and crashes to the floor...not enough to kill me, just let me get hospital rest for a week. Would that be a good use of my wealth and opportunity?

My life choices do not affect you. Why are you so keen to tell me what to do and be mean? It's so weird.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/04/2024 21:44

JustJessi · 16/04/2024 21:15

Haha the comments on this thread! Buying a women dinner is not treating her as a charity case.

On my first date with my DH, he paid, no questions asked. Three courses with wine. Suited and booted. Impeccably mannered. Placed me in a taxi, with a peck on the cheek, checked in with me the whole way home to ensure my safety.

He was demonstrating to me that he holds traditional values, and they continue to be very important to us both.

You get to choose what is acceptable to you OP, you don’t need anyone else to tell you that it’s unreasonable to expect your date to pay. Hold onto your values, they are for you and you only. Everyone else can live how they wish.

Such a good post! And exactly what my (now) husband did over 30 years ago. Asked me out, I said yes, and he turned up to my house 3 days later; polite, well-mannered, well dressed, smart, and kind. Paid for everything. I did offer to pay (a couple of times,) but he declined. Said 'I asked you out, and this is my treat.' He drove me home right to my door. Smile (He didn't drink alcohol then.)

We started to share costs of things not long after, and started pooling finances as soon as we started living together - 1.5 years after meeting, and we and contribute equally to everything in life now. We have the perfect balance, and are both very happy with it. A man who asks a woman on a date, and then makes her splits the bill, needs throwing back in the sea IMO. Not husband material.

NonsuchCastle · 05/08/2024 04:15

user6890one · 14/04/2024 19:15

I'm old fashioned and have never paid on a date, but your line of happy to pay because you've had a good time worried me. It's almost like, and I agree I'm ultra conservative on this topic, you're monetarily rewarding him for his company, IYSWIM?

You have never paid on a date?? What is wrong with you? Are you a child? Pay your share.

Debs2024 · 05/08/2024 19:13

Nice of you to pay half and him to buy guy a meal but why didn’t he just give him some cash Obviously trying to make up for taking half but why did he not reimburse you if he felt guilty and still bung him people are weird.

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