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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
Fallenangelofthenorth · 14/04/2024 23:52

bluetopazlove · 14/04/2024 23:48

And as for your date knowing the kind thing to do is to buy a homeless man a meal ? Might not be a thing he does often , but I give him points anyway because it shows he knows how to be kind . He could just have walked past and ignored , he seen him .

Or he could have just given him the cash discretely, rather than making a performance out of it. Then the homeless guy could have had agency over what he spent the money on. Given the fact he disappeared anyway, he clearly didn't want a meal anyway.

LenaLamont · 14/04/2024 23:56

Fallenangelofthenorth · 14/04/2024 23:52

Or he could have just given him the cash discretely, rather than making a performance out of it. Then the homeless guy could have had agency over what he spent the money on. Given the fact he disappeared anyway, he clearly didn't want a meal anyway.

Who carries cash these days? I don't think my adult children have paid cash for anything since they were about 14. It's not like the homeless guy will take ApplePay.

I have a couple of pound coins in my wallet for lockers at the pool, but that's about it. DH doesn't even carry cards, he pays for everything on his phone.

bluetopazlove · 15/04/2024 00:01

Fallenangelofthenorth · 14/04/2024 23:52

Or he could have just given him the cash discretely, rather than making a performance out of it. Then the homeless guy could have had agency over what he spent the money on. Given the fact he disappeared anyway, he clearly didn't want a meal anyway.

No most people who like to give to the homeless prefer to buy them something rather than cash .

Deathbyfluffy · 15/04/2024 00:02

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

Equality is a thing these days, and works both ways. Why should men do all the travelling and pay for the date?

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/04/2024 00:05

Well done OP. Nice to see someone posting and considering responses. (And not commenting on some of the daft ones)

Fallenangelofthenorth · 15/04/2024 00:11

LenaLamont · 14/04/2024 23:56

Who carries cash these days? I don't think my adult children have paid cash for anything since they were about 14. It's not like the homeless guy will take ApplePay.

I have a couple of pound coins in my wallet for lockers at the pool, but that's about it. DH doesn't even carry cards, he pays for everything on his phone.

Actually yeah most people don't do they? I always have both but that's because of my own anxiety. You're right. I'm actually the only person I know who always carries cash. I hadn't even thought about that.

OnigiriJones · 15/04/2024 01:44

I’m old school. If a date asks me out, he pays. Simple. I would also never travel an hour for a date. He either picks me up or if I don’t know him well, we meet after work etc.

wplaf · 15/04/2024 02:02

EveryoneJapan · 14/04/2024 18:47

The performative charity would put me right off, to be honest. Would he have done the same if you’d not been there? Seems doubtful.

I agree with this. Really odd behaviour on an early date.

AstralSpace · 15/04/2024 02:06

Jolene25 · 14/04/2024 23:37

Why did you travel to him and not the other way around?

This is what I'm thinking. Or meet in the middle.

milveycrohn · 15/04/2024 06:54

The Homeless guy thing is weird, and in my view, a bit patronising. He may have just had a meal, possibly bought for him by another altruistic person.
But what about the next meal, or tomorrow's meal. He really wanted money, so he could buy something when he needed it.
In my view the bill should be split on a first date. If the date lives/works far away, one of you is likely to travel further than the other, and although I think it maybe ought to be the man doing the most travelling on a first date, that might be considered a bit misogynistic these days, so no reason why the woman can't travel, or find somewhere exactly half way between you both.

Willmafrockfit · 15/04/2024 06:56

the homeless man didnt actually want a meal

HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2024 06:58

I have never taken my travel costs into account when thinking how to split the bill with people I’m dining with. If they claimed they should pay less as they have incurred more fuel/tolls etc than some of us I’d be pretty dumbfounded to be frank and think they were CF’ers.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:01

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/04/2024 20:15

I would find the queuing for food an ick. Just give the guy money and he can buy what he likes.

I don't like tight men. That's what this guy sounds like.

But chances are he didn't have any cash..people rarely do these days. As for "performative" how do you know he doesn't do that all the time? I guy I know from school does this regularly..he actually asks the person what they'd like and goes gets it rather than assuming they should be grateful for anything. Don't know why the guy disappeared but that's not the date's fault.

Samlewis96 · 15/04/2024 07:11

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/04/2024 21:52

No one under 35 carries cash?

I'm 52. Only time I have cash is when I go to a bootsale. What's age got to do with it

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:13

Geebray · 14/04/2024 19:18

I think you sound horrible.

I agree. Expecting the man to pay just because she'd travelled! Then being unpleasant about trying to buy someone homeless some food, FFS.

Gremlinsateit · 15/04/2024 07:14

We always used to say you should split the first date to establish you’re not inferior in the relationship, but I’m getting old in a post-feminist world.

Date may not have had cash. It’s perhaps a little odd to do this in the middle of a date, but it is tricky to give direct help to the homeless with no cash.

What do people think about carrying low value prepaid cards? I often go past people at train stations who have been given quite a decent amount of food, and I don’t like the safety aspects of cash, for me or for them.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:15

wplaf · 15/04/2024 02:02

I agree with this. Really odd behaviour on an early date.

Maybe he's just a decent person?

Bestyearever2024 · 15/04/2024 07:15

trekking1 · 14/04/2024 21:43

Traveling over an hour to see him and going dutch? AND thinking of treating him for his amazing company? You need more self esteem. He's not that into you. No man who doesn't offer to pay is.

This ^

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:17

Fallenangelofthenorth · 14/04/2024 23:52

Or he could have just given him the cash discretely, rather than making a performance out of it. Then the homeless guy could have had agency over what he spent the money on. Given the fact he disappeared anyway, he clearly didn't want a meal anyway.

No, he didn't, but the date guy was trying to do a decent thing. He's getting slated for it.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:19

Jesus..so poor men can't date? Given that a restaurant meal out now is going to struggle to be under £30 for two adults, that's a big statement I think. So we equate being "into someone" with flashing the cash but sneering at this guy as "performative" for helping someone in need? Some odd thinking here.

KermitKermit · 15/04/2024 07:21

These are two completely separate things:

  • whether you'd like your date to buy your dinner
  • what you think of him offering to buy something for the homeless man.

Really not comparable at all- buying a meal for the homeless man would be an act of charity and you're presumably not suggesting your date should have paid for you out of charity. It's quite weird to compare the two things.

Whether he offered to buy the meal out of genuine charity or for show in front of you isn't really something we can answer- your own feelings are probably the best guide as you were there. Performative charity is definitely off-putting. That said, offering to buy something for a homeless person is quite a normal thing to do so I wouldn't necessarily assume it was intended for your benefit.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:21

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:19

Jesus..so poor men can't date? Given that a restaurant meal out now is going to struggle to be under £30 for two adults, that's a big statement I think. So we equate being "into someone" with flashing the cash but sneering at this guy as "performative" for helping someone in need? Some odd thinking here.

Exactly. First date - why should the man pay?
If the OP travelled an hour that's her choice.
Split the bill, then decide if you want to meet up again, no-one is out of pocket.

asbigasablueberry · 15/04/2024 07:22

As PP said, performative charity wouldn't impress me either. He sounds like a right wet weekend, get rid!

ohlookimbackagain · 15/04/2024 07:26

Can’t believe how many people think it’s cringy to buy a homeless guy food. How miserable can you be? 😂

Itsokish · 15/04/2024 07:26

I really don't get the performance charity comments.I also don't see how a homeless person knows 2 people are on a first date.
Also it is common sense that you buy food rather than give money to homeless .
Think you have been harsh and if you enjoyed the date just look forward to meeting again