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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
Shadeelane · 14/04/2024 21:30

I agree with ImCamembertTheBigCheese. What a performance. Just give the homeless guy some cash if you want to. You don't need to make a show of it. Surprised he didn't take a photo to put on his socials 🙄. That would put me off him completely.

The other issue wouldn't bother me. Splitting the bill is appropriate I think.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/04/2024 21:31

Poor bloke. .
Choices...offer to pay could be wrong, exist
Offer to split. Seemingly also wrong to you
Expect other person to pay. Wrong too
Homeless person
Ignore him, probably wrong look uncaring
Give him some money also could be wrong
Offer to take and buy food seems a winner but no that is also wrong.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 21:36

I think it's a bot mean assuming that him wanting to help the homeless person is automatically just for show, because he's on a date.

A lot of people are keen to help homeless folk, but are cautious handing over money because of concerns that a lot of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol or are just fakes who commute in each morning to pose as a homeless beggar, before going home at the end of the day.

If a homeless person asks you for money for food, they may indeed spend whatever you give them on food; but there's no guarantee that you aren't just helping them to feed an addiction or to rake in cash if pretending to be homeless is their 'job'.

Comedycook · 14/04/2024 21:37

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd be seeing him again.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/04/2024 21:38

Shadeelane · 14/04/2024 21:30

I agree with ImCamembertTheBigCheese. What a performance. Just give the homeless guy some cash if you want to. You don't need to make a show of it. Surprised he didn't take a photo to put on his socials 🙄. That would put me off him completely.

The other issue wouldn't bother me. Splitting the bill is appropriate I think.

But most people who aren't old don't actually carry cash.

Comedycook · 14/04/2024 21:42

He sounds severely lacking in manners. You travelled and are a student and wanted to pay the whole lot. Very rude of him and on top of that he decided to virtue signal so he looks generous...but he doesn't want to actually be generous. He just wants to look good. Bin

trekking1 · 14/04/2024 21:43

Traveling over an hour to see him and going dutch? AND thinking of treating him for his amazing company? You need more self esteem. He's not that into you. No man who doesn't offer to pay is.

PattyDuckface · 14/04/2024 21:48

Urgh everything about this would put me off him.

Balking at paying- yuck.
Fannying around buying a homeless man a dinner.

I'd bin him.

Bigcat25 · 14/04/2024 21:51

As far as the performative charity goes, I've read a lot of people would rather by food than give money if they think it's likey going to drugs, but he probably shouldn't have dragged you along. Not the end of the world though.

Janetime · 14/04/2024 21:51

Seriously, you’d rather he didn’t help a homeless person but give you money? Or pay for you which is the same thing, so uou can keep your hand in your pocket,

that’s low.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/04/2024 21:52

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/04/2024 21:38

But most people who aren't old don't actually carry cash.

No one under 35 carries cash?

Janetime · 14/04/2024 21:52

PattyDuckface · 14/04/2024 21:48

Urgh everything about this would put me off him.

Balking at paying- yuck.
Fannying around buying a homeless man a dinner.

I'd bin him.

Lots of people offer homeless people food. It’s hardly a crime. Bloody hell.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/04/2024 21:52

The fact he offered a five quid fast food meal to a homeless person shows he is kind, or at the very least was trying to impress you. Clearly it had the opposite affect.
If you're that preoccupied with money I don't think he's the right person for you.

Mrstwiddle · 14/04/2024 21:54

Tight people do not make good partners. Be grateful you didn't invest any more of your time with him.

GreyGoose1980 · 14/04/2024 21:54

I’m with you OP. I’d find this off-putting.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/04/2024 22:08

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/04/2024 21:52

No one under 35 carries cash?

Only about 17% of UK transactions were cash.
I dare say if you stopped 10 people on the street in the London, you’d be lucky if 2 were carrying cash. That number would be even lower under 35s.

Maybe it’s different out in the regions, couldn’t say.

BIossomtoes · 14/04/2024 22:53

PattyDuckface · 14/04/2024 21:48

Urgh everything about this would put me off him.

Balking at paying- yuck.
Fannying around buying a homeless man a dinner.

I'd bin him.

Buying a homeless man dinner - what a bastard.

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 23:09

Thank you to everyone who responded, some real food for thought. I appreciate the answers that made me see how that came across. You’re the best. This sort of feedback is difficult to get in real life and I wish I’d had it growing up :-)

I especially appreciate the person who pointed out both situations could have put him in an uncomfortable position.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/04/2024 23:12

I certainly dont think you should have paid the whole bill. A split sounds reasonable. But buying the meal for a homeless man does sound like he is a nice generous person.

Howbizarre22 · 14/04/2024 23:13

user6890one · 14/04/2024 19:15

I'm old fashioned and have never paid on a date, but your line of happy to pay because you've had a good time worried me. It's almost like, and I agree I'm ultra conservative on this topic, you're monetarily rewarding him for his company, IYSWIM?

I fully agree.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 14/04/2024 23:27

When I was online dating I realised after one mediocre date early on, it's a massive mistake to let them pay. He absolutely insisted on paying, which was nice, but then I felt obligated to return the favour, even though after a few over enthusiastic messages from him I'd kinda got the ick by then, but felt I needed to even things out. Which ended up in 4 dates, a saga over a lasagne dish, and me having to never go into my local farm shop again for fear of bumping into him again. So from the paying point of view I'd advise to always split the bill, however well you feel it's going at the time.

The homeless guy thing though is just weird. Whenever I give homeless people money, I just do exactly that, give them cash. If they choose to spend it on booze, fags, drugs or food then that's up to them. I couldn't be doing with someone who wants to do the whole good samaritan act whilst dictating what they should buy with the money. You either believe they are genuine and give without conditions, or you think they're a scammer and walk on by. I don't think I'd be interested in your chap. It's a bit cringe really isn't it?

Jolene25 · 14/04/2024 23:37

Why did you travel to him and not the other way around?

bluetopazlove · 14/04/2024 23:38

If you're not floating in money why choose to go on a date with somebody an hours travel away .That's on you ,you can't afford it . Don't choose to go on dates with people who live far away . How is something gonna last if you can't afford to travel, if you can't afford it do you expect them to compensate you ?

NewName24 · 14/04/2024 23:45

bluetopazlove · 14/04/2024 23:38

If you're not floating in money why choose to go on a date with somebody an hours travel away .That's on you ,you can't afford it . Don't choose to go on dates with people who live far away . How is something gonna last if you can't afford to travel, if you can't afford it do you expect them to compensate you ?

I agree with this.

If, as a student - or anyone else on limited budget - you can't afford to spend the money it costs to travel an hour away regularly (understandable, lots of people couldn't) , then why start out on this journey of dating someone that lives an hour away. It doesn't make sense.

bluetopazlove · 14/04/2024 23:48

And as for your date knowing the kind thing to do is to buy a homeless man a meal ? Might not be a thing he does often , but I give him points anyway because it shows he knows how to be kind . He could just have walked past and ignored , he seen him .