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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

161 replies

YesItIsTrue · 04/10/2023 13:42

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 04/10/2023 13:46

Is there some sort of independent body that awards ratings of "ugly" to people?

I would hope that should you have a child you would reflect on the parenting you recieved and seek to parent differently. So that your child grow up without those kinds of damaging thoughts about herself.

Even better, seek therapy before having a child, and get rid of those damaging thoughts NOW. You've lived with them long enough, time to throw them away and be free.

MintJulia · 04/10/2023 13:52

Very few people are genuinely ugly. Can you think of any things you didn't have help with as a child, that would change your view of yourself?

self-confidence especially
guidance and money for clothes, hair etc.
good diet and hygiene to help with complexion and figure
dental care

Remember you'll be able to make that extra provision for your child. And in the end, most mums think their children are the most beautiful things on the planet.

Don't let poor self image hold you back.

AnotherDayOfSun · 04/10/2023 13:52

How sad that our society creates these kinds of feelings in women! Op, remember, our children are similar, but never exactly the same as us. Not in genes, not in personality, not in experiences. And you can teach your child a healthy way of handling things, even if her looks are not conventional. It sounds like some experiences are still hurting you, and maybe you should try to deal with those feelings, and try to find joy in other parts of life, without caring what some silly, superficial person thinks!

addicteetopawpatrol · 04/10/2023 13:53

Sad

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 13:54

Maybe you shouldn't be having a child if your first thought is how are they going to look.

ReadyForPumpkins · 04/10/2023 13:55

If you are living with such anxiety, is it good to bring a child to it, unless it's a boy? It's very easy to pass on your insecurity to your child.

Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 04/10/2023 13:55

Is there some sort of independent body that awards ratings of "ugly" to people?

Yes, it’s calle our society.

I don’t want to go to detaiös and tell my life story, if you don’t believe there are ugly, that’s fine I guess.

But let’s just say that there is a reason why I would be going, like I said in my op, with the donor route.

It’s not in my head or anxiety or my short comings to have these worries. Or how I would raise my child.
It’s because how I’ve been treated and told and bullied my whole life.

OP posts:
Thisusernamenotavailable · 04/10/2023 13:57

I have never liked the way I look or even my personality. My daughter reflected all the very best parts of me - inside and out - that I never saw before. She is beautiful … but she is just like me. How is this possible?
Ideally you would find a way to see yourself as others see you before you have your child.

SeulementUneFois · 04/10/2023 13:58

If you're going by sperm donor then select the absolute best looking one.
May want to try Denmark/ a northern country.
You can also find out the sex with an early test and only keep a male fetus.

Thisusernamenotavailable · 04/10/2023 13:58

By others I don’t mean your bullies, but those that have loved and liked and appreciated you.

Annisfinallygone · 04/10/2023 13:59

I was bullied so badly growing up for being 'ugly' (I have a disfiguring condition, I'm not ugly). It did contribute to me not having children if I'm being honest, but not because I didn't want my child to be 'ugly' but because I didn't want them to be so horrendously bullied. My condition is hereditary.

I'm now too old but I'd say from someone who gets it, please don't let this stop you. Your child will be beautiful I'm sure, but even if they aren't (not everyone is!) I am sure they will have all sorts of things about them that makes them needed in this world, whether that's kindness or a fantastic sense of humour or intelligence or creativity. So many humans aren't oil paintings. That is not what makes people special when it comes down to it.

And please please get some help with how you feel about yourself. I bet you have some degree of distorted thoughts about your own worth. I'm so sorry you've been made to feel this way.

DutchCowgirl · 04/10/2023 14:00

Get help for these thoughts. You think you are ugly, but you really shouldn’t. You are your own enemy in this. Try to lift your self esteem a little before having kids.

I once had similar thoughts in the back of my mind. I was bullied a lot as a kid. What if i had a daughter who resembled me and she and I must go through all this again?
Now I have two boys and I think they are both very handsome. Mothers will often find their own offspring handsome i guess.

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/10/2023 14:00

Maybe increase your self esteem and worth first.

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 14:00

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 13:54

Maybe you shouldn't be having a child if your first thought is how are they going to look.

How ignorant. Clearly this is something op has had massive struggles with and has been an overriding feature in her life, she doesn't want her child to suffer like she has.

Op, I'm so sorry that your life has been defined by this, I don't know what the answer is but I don't think you should deprive yourself of the chance to be a mother because of it.

stargirl1701 · 04/10/2023 14:00

Use the egg from a beautiful donor rather than your own.

I would suggest therapy first though.

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 14:03

@Dramatic It's not ignorant. When I was pregnant with both of mine, It was not at the top of my thoughts whether they would be handsome or ugly!

There are many people who would love to have kids but can't. I'm sure they'd agree that looks are not the top priority.

As a PP said, its about having a beautiful personality too.

I suggest the OP needs help before she could even consider being a mother,

Alstroemeria123 · 04/10/2023 14:04

SeulementUneFois · 04/10/2023 13:58

If you're going by sperm donor then select the absolute best looking one.
May want to try Denmark/ a northern country.
You can also find out the sex with an early test and only keep a male fetus.

Wow.

Children aren’t toys to be discarded until you get the “right” one.

I’m fully in support of a woman’s right not to be pregnant if she doesn’t want to be, but sex selection like this can’t be right.

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 14:05

Also I'm going to be completely honest here, I have a friend who was horrendously bullied for being ugly when we were teenagers, she is definitely not what you would call pretty. However, she has two kids and they are genuinely both beautiful kids, really really cute.

Dramatic · 04/10/2023 14:06

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 14:03

@Dramatic It's not ignorant. When I was pregnant with both of mine, It was not at the top of my thoughts whether they would be handsome or ugly!

There are many people who would love to have kids but can't. I'm sure they'd agree that looks are not the top priority.

As a PP said, its about having a beautiful personality too.

I suggest the OP needs help before she could even consider being a mother,

Yeah and maybe that's because your looks haven't defined your life but clearly they have for OP, not everyone has the same experiences and outlook as you

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 14:07

@Dramatic Like I said, if the OP feels so strongly this way about her looks, she needs to get help first.

Georgiepud · 04/10/2023 14:08

Thisusernamenotavailable · 04/10/2023 13:57

I have never liked the way I look or even my personality. My daughter reflected all the very best parts of me - inside and out - that I never saw before. She is beautiful … but she is just like me. How is this possible?
Ideally you would find a way to see yourself as others see you before you have your child.

This is lovely.

AuroraForever · 04/10/2023 14:08

You can’t guarantee what they’ll look like when they come out and they look entirely different from baby to toddler to tween to teen to adult. Not sure how you’d do this to be honest without just going for it and hoping for the best.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/10/2023 14:09

You could give birth to an absolutely beautiful ( by society standards ) baby and then they have an accident or disease that affects their looks op.
You need to have some therapy to change this mindset you have developed because of the bullying.

owlsmummy · 04/10/2023 14:10

strange worry. One of mine is severely disabled (but beautiful). Her being physically beautiful means nothing. I think it's an incredibly shallow thing to worry about (and I am saying that as someone who isn't particularly pretty either, I had a very touch time as a teen).

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 14:10

This may be unPC but it’s not illegal to change how you look.

don’t give your kid a complex about their features but plastic surgery exist for a reason. And filler is a great way to try out different dimensions/emphasis on your features.