I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

[YesItIsTrue]

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

I think the Roald Dahl quote just means that people who don't fit society's ideas about looks can still be very attractive if other people are able to see their kindness and other good qualities. And likewise, people who are conventionally good looking can be unattractive if they are cruel or rude, etc. It's meant to encourage, not victim blame.

It does sound like your experiences being bullied and rejected were very traumatic, and therapy, or at least coming to terms with how you were treated might help, both for your own sake, and for parenting any future children.

I agree that it is not nearly as bad for men. However, I know several women who, even in the bloom of youth, didn't quite fit society's ideals. But, because they were in a good place psychologically, they were relaxed and confident. And other people, within seconds of meeting them, only saw a warm, kind, caring person. And yes, by all accounts, they are in happy marriages. Why don't you look around, notice which people have similar challenges, and see if you can be inspired by anything they did. Is it confidence? personality? finding a career or hobby they love? or just getting to a good place psychologically in some other way?

Honestly, if you genuinely believe that you are so hideous that you will never find a partner and it affects your life to this degree, then no, I don’t think you should have a child. It sounds lonely and isolating.

I really think you need counselling.

I don't like to say this because I really don't want to be unkind, but I have to agree here.

It's not unfair to bring a child into the world on the grounds that you are "ugly" and the child is likely to be "ugly" too.

It's unfair to bring a child into the world, as a single parent (i.e. with no other parent to provide a more balanced outlook), when you have so thoroughly internalised the belief that you are "ugly" and therefore unloveable that you are letting it ruin your entire life. I don't see how you can teach your child resilience or self-respect or to value themselves and others for non superficial qualities when you cannot do these things yourself. In order to avoid passing on these incredibly toxic beliefs to a child, you need to first stop believing them yourself.

It's an incredibly sad thing to say, because the love between a parent and child is like no other, and might make the OP immeasurably happier. But I think she needs to do some serious hard work on her own self-esteem before she brings a child into the world, and it doesn't sound like she's ready to do that.

Agree with pp. I have been attracted to objectively unattractive people and once had a bf my friends called quasi modo because they literally couldn’t believe I fancied him. But attraction is NOT about looks, for many people.

I agree.

And it also help people to not look at their own attitudes and behaviour.
When they ignore or treat ugly people badly, they then can just tell themselves those people were ’ugly on the inside, it’s their own fault’.

One has to be at least average enough, so that people will want to get to know their ’inner beauty’ or ugliness. And that quite really doesn’t explain why those good looking people, who aren’t nice have so many people who want to be around them/date them/love them.

Real world just doesn’t work like many here claim it does.

why only a girl? you'd be ok with an ugly boy then?

Ugly men get treated very differently (ie. Better) than ugly women.
They’ll find partners and love, are respected and can grow in peace when they are young.

If this thread is true (it's still standing, and I can't believe I'm the only one who's reported it), then the OP has quite a severe mental illness and should neither be thinking of having a child nor posting on a free-for-all chat site. She would be better consulting a GP as a starting point.

People can treat you/ bully you/ call you names. You can't control the actions of others but you can control how you respond to those actions. The people who treated you that way have shown themselves to be truly ugly. People who want to be cruel will find anything to be cruel about regardless of whether or not they actually believe it to be true so why would you take their word on it when they're clearly not good people?

I think you should go for counselling and try to really work on your self esteem. My mum had real issues around her weight and appearance and she unwittingly treated me and my sister accordingly and we grew up with really unhealthy messages because she was so concerned with what others thought of her and we had to do a lot of work to undo the messages we grew up with. So there's no reason why you can't do the work to undo the unhealthy messages and lies you've been exposed to in life.

Regardless of what you decide to do regards having a child, you owe it to them to be the best version of yourself inside so you can parent from a place of confidence, grounding and positivity. If you grow and embody good self esteem you will naturally pass that on to your child.

I absolutely agree OP that people who are viewed as ‘ugly’ by society are treated significantly worse.

But you must see that if there are people with facial disfigurements, bed-bound morbid obesity, bodies covered in 3rd degree burns who end up finding someone and getting married, then it is definitely possible for people just considered to be ‘unattractive.’

I’m not down playing your lived experience but I think you’re avoiding asking yourself the harder questions by putting everything down to your looks.

I think you need to get professional help with your mental health issues before even thinking about having a baby. I mean this kindly x

OP, I’m a man but I get it (to the extent I’m able).

I’m ugly. This was made very clear to me by friends and classmates as a child, a parent, strangers in public and work colleagues. I have some stories where I think the cruelty that I experienced would shock many posters, and it sounds like you have some of your own.

I’m naturally very personable and gregarious so I was able to mask my unhappiness for much of my youth but spent many, many years feeling subhuman. I did everything that I could to stop it holding me back but it weighs heavy on the soul. I’ve since found some level of peace and acceptance (in that I do not spend much time being actively troubled by my appearance) but I’m sure if affects me on a subconscious level and has shaped aspects of my personality.

I have been lucky enough to find a partner that I love. She doesn’t want children, which simplifies the matter. In my heart, I want children and think I’m a natural caregiver…but the thought of a child inheriting my looks terrifies me (mostly due to the thought of them going through what I did, along with a smattering of fear of the resentment that they might feel towards me). I’m open to adoption but DP is unsure and we are not actively exploring it currently.

I’m sure some people will feel that I need counselling or support, and maybe they’re right, but it’s hard to shake the notion that what you have been told by almost everyone, throughout your whole life, is untrue and that it’s your mindset that’s the main problem (particularly if you’re still doing all you can to be sociable). The brave thing to do would probably be to try it, though.

I do agree with various posters that your physical appearance, however it may be, does not doom you to unwanted-singleness, forevermore - I would have told you that was my future until I met DP.

I don’t have much advice but wanted to offer empathy. The vast majority of people will find it difficult to fully understand, even if they have some hang-ups of their own. The only thing I might suggest in the immediate term is posting somewhere other than AIBU, as I think this subforum skews towards ‘debate’ rather than support.

Thing is, you won't know if they are societally ugly anyway because, to you, they will be the most beautiful person you've ever seen. Go for it!